well, it's my user name so it must be right.
Be prepared for LONGwindedness...
Seriously, in person I'm fairly quiet(unless you REALLY get to know me) and I can't stand reading long posts... but, I tend to go on... sorry.
I'm not entirely sure why I am here. I see TONS of information here that could be helpful... but, it's tooooooo much. System overload...
Anyway...
I'm almost 34, male not that it matters, and I've felt a bit different all my life.
When I was in elementary school, I wasn't finishing my work. They tested me, I assume for ADD though i had never heard of that when I was a kid... They found nothing. Years later in college I got tested, officially, and they also found nothing... though, several counselors I have gone to have said that I DO have ADHD...
Depression is the only thing I was sure about going back as far as high school... though, I knew I was a little different before then. I can recall as far back as middle school thinking, there was nobody like me. I wasn't like anyone else I knew. I just felt out of place. (side note, I've been saying for years that I'm from another planet... and I refer to humans as if I'm not one so the name of this site is SO fitting)
I'm going to be a bit all over the place I'm afraid... Just like a first time visit with a new counselor, I feel like I have to fit my whole life into 60 minutes or less...
I have some OCD tendencies though, I'm the type that obsesses a bit but doesn't do much. Growing up, it drove my mom nuts. I could straighten out a rug on the floor or something else that might be crooked but, my room was ALWAYS a mess... and whenever I did get motivated to clean it, I had to rearrange everything in it.
I've been married for a bit over 10 years now... I haven't worked in over 7... my wife has been kind of stuck doing it, and it's been hard on both of us. She hasn't been very understanding of anything... I don't blame her... I've never met anyone that understands, not even most of my counselors... With the exception of a paper route that I had from 4th to 11th grade, that was a whole 20 papers and I'd ride my bike or walk... I've never had a job extremely long. I would usually quit but occasionally got fired. Second longest job I had was part time at a pizza place, but was on and off for almost 5 years. I walked out on at least 3 different managers in the middle of my shifts...
I've had issues with anger... not very good at expressing emotions besides that one. I never hit people, I'm afraid of fights... but, I've hit walls... put my fist through a few... and one knuckle on my right hand is, well, wont ever be the same. I've been better about that for the past year but it's tough sometimes.
A few years ago, my wife left me. The reasons had a lot to do with me, but were more complicated thanks to her very manipulative family.
I was already going to counseling at this time so that was good... I could not function for a while.
At this point(ack, where'd my train of thought go...)
Oh, random thing sort of. I normally HATE reading. I like learning new things but, it's so overwhelming and most of the time, I can read a sentence over and over again and still not know what I just read. But when my wife left... reading what the ONLY thing I could do with any consistency. I read two decent sized books in less than a week.
I went back to "normal" not long after what came next...
I got diagnosed with anxiety... never really thought much about the word... but the definition/symptoms... it's something I've had my whole life and didn't know it. Got put on some meds that helped, for a while. (been on quite a few and they either don't work straight off or end up not working or causing more problems and I end up on nothing)
Anyway... my psychiatrist (who has moved and I don't have a new one yet) diagnosed me with aspergers. My counselor at that time STRONGLY disagreed... (he had written his thesis on aspergers so he "knew" I didn't have it.) But, two counselors since then have agreed that I do.
Anyway... I don't know where I'm going at the moment with this.
I have some symptoms of quite a few different things. One counselor, based on the results of an MMPI? thought I could even be schizophrenic, though my psychiatrist didn't see that....
I know for sure I have problems with depression, anxiety, attention, and lots of other things... random thoughts that I don't want to have... lack of empathy... A year ago my cousin died... and though we weren't what you'd call close, it had NO affect on me. It's really weird... If my mom came to me and told me her mom died, I'm not sure I'd feel much... not sure I'd feel much if my own parents died... what's weird is while watching a movie, I FEEL what the main character feels. When things aren't going well for the main character, I HATE the movie......
anyway...
amongst other things, motivation is a HUGE problem. If someone gave me a million dollars to clean my whole house and gave me 2 months to do it... there's a VERY good chance it would not get done. I am king of procrastination... do you even call it procrastination when more often than not it doesn't get done at all?
When my wife left, at first she told me (through someone else) she wouldn't come back unless I got a job... then it went to moving to another state, getting a job, getting my own car, getting my own place, etc... all with no money and no transportation.
She was gone for about 8 months(we have 4 kids) and during that time I applied for maybe 3 jobs...... I ate WAY too many ramen noodles and yougurt... would basically clean one spoon when I needed it... and the pot to cook the ramen when I needed it... NOTHING motivated me.
It is not that I didn't love my family, I just couldn't do it.
She came back... we have gone to counseling together. She's trying to understand... but at the same time I feel like, she wants a different me. She wants to understand me but at the same time, I am just not good enough... and, I'm not. I really feel like quite a loser, most of the time.
I don't know.
I applied for disability... my counselor had said that maybe I would qualify with even just the anxiety but, I was denied twice...
Probably didn't help that here a year or so later, I still have not filled out the forms they sent me. I've started them... just never finished. Went to a few tests they asked me to go to... one seemed more like an intelligence test... I have an above average IQ so, what does that prove?
eh...
I don't know how much I'll be participating... this site is HUGE, has lots of people... I don't like crowds and can't handle reading too much at once.... but, we'll see.
I know for sure... I didn't explain myself very well... oh well...
Feel free to ask questions if you want more info... I might answer them.
oh... normal... So many "normal" people seem SO abnormal to me. Following trends, going with the crowd... so many things that people do seems so stupid to me, to put it nicely.
The only thing that really frustrates me in life is people... which really stinks because at the same time, it's hard to survive without a little companionship...
13 Feb 2011, 10:52 pm
