Hey, I'm new

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chrzz
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 30 Dec 2010
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 5
Location: Belgium

16 Apr 2011, 4:58 am

Hey everyone, I've been reading on this forum for quite some time now but never posted before.

My name is Chris, I'm 19 years old and I'm from Belgium. I have never been officially diagnosed with Asperger's, but I've noticed something different about me all my life. One of my very first memories is of the first kindergarten class, when it was playtime and everyone would play outside. All those people seemed so strange and frightening to me, I could only stand at the school entrance gate and observe them playing. I also used to repeat (whispering) everything someone said to me before I could answer, until I was like 6-7 years old.

At age 14 I got involved with alot of drug use because sadly my special interest became psychoactive chemicals, something which I regret alot now. I have done basically every well known drug, and alot of not-so-known drugs too. This has caused me to get in trouble with the police and youth judges, and I was put in psychiatric rehab clinics, youth prisons and open institutions from age 15-18. Because of this, I have lost alot of social skills I had learned for social situations in the outside world.

When I was 18, after a last 2-week intervention hospitalisation because I was heavily addicted to benzodiazepines, I managed to quit all drug use besides marihuana. I managed to switch my special interest to bodybuilding. But now I notice my Asperger symptoms more than ever, I have basically lost most of my conversation skills. I find it extremely hard to maintain a conversation with almost anyone, especially old friends that I haven't seen in a while. I avoid most social contact now, and just sit a home and train, eat, smoke weed and browse the internet lol.

Despite of all this, I managed to get a girlfriend in September. We were together for 6 months, but in that time she had broken up with me 8 times. She was NT, but had some symptoms of Aspergers. But she was still very NT though. This made it hard for her to understand me, because when we first met she saw me as a strong, manly, muscled guy. But when she got to know me better, she saw that I was really a very insecure person with Asperger's Syndrome, and she hated that I had it. She tried to force me to ignore the symptoms and live a NT life, and this has caused me to overload. I had quit school and quit bodybuilding because I couldn't deal with the stress of it anymore. 3 weeks ago she broke up with me, saying that I loved her too much, that I was too nice for her, and that I was changing myself too much for her. I don't understand anything of this, it seems like the opposite of how she always acted in our relationship. :?:

I miss my ex-girlfriend very much, but I also feel an intense relaxation since the relationship ended. I have started bodybuilding again, and am planning to go back to school soon. A strange thing I notice though, is that I seem to speak to everyone, in the same way that I spoke to my girlfriend? For example, on the rare occasion that I go out with some friends, I have to really pay attention to not say "baby" or "sweety" after my sentences, or I have the urge to hug them like I used to hug my girlfriend. Not because I have any feelings for them, infact I find this weird and disgusting as hell, but it's almost as if my only way of socializing now is the way I used to socialise with my girlfriend. I'm not sure if anyone will understand what I'm saying, but I dunno lol.

Anyway I will end this post now, it became so long already :/ Now you know who I am kinda..