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hello, i pretty much made this account to get other peoples' thoughts [well, initially]. i'm suspecting that i may have asperger's, but that's just a tenuous self-diagnosis at the moment. i figured i could get great feedback here without having to approach anyone i know in real life about these considerations. i'm very very intrigued, nervous, excited, unsure.

DFW is not actually my name. also, pardon my lack of capitalization. i'm not sure what posting standards are like here, but this is my standard posting style for everything except essays (or maybe emails to the professor).

anyways, i'm 20 and i'm finishing my freshman year in college in about 3 days (i should actually be studying right now). i don't know what other kind of information to include in introductions like that to be honest. fielding questions is easier.

i suspect i may have asperger's. this is a recent realization, though i'm still torn.

i am:

clinically depressed
diagnosed anxiety disorder(s)
diagnosed OCD
severely introverted often (i'm not sure how extreme compared to others though)
alexithymic (pretty darn certain)
very uncomfortable around nearly everyone

probably more things that are worth mentioning. i was reading a post by a member describing how he feels unapproachable and incapable of conveying emotions to others and being generally uncomfortable with people and friends, and i related to every word of it.

i'm not sure what kind of information i should include or what is important, and it's not like i'm requesting a diagnosis, but just if anyone sees correlations to themselves or others who have asperger's or any kind of good questions i could answer that are good indicators of AS.

i took an online quiz on wired, and scored i think 11 points higher than the "if you're higher than this number there is an 80% chance you have some form of autism according to our studies" threshold. also, another one put me right on par with other diagnosed testers.

my main concerns are relating to others, feeling completely mechanical in social venues, and even often very uncomfortable around my best friends. i don't think anyone really feels very close to me. i am not open with my parents, therapist, best friends, etc. the thought makes me uncomfortable and awkward. also, i'm 20 and pathetically attached to a stuffed bear. i feel out of place around everyone, sink into my head way to easily and can't get out of it. i get completely emotionally detached from everything around me, except i'm still hyper-sensitive to all of it. my friends say i'm unapproachable, so i wonder if i'm the quiet, serious guy who people never know how to read. when i do interact i can normally put on a decent act like i understand what i'm doing socially, but i don't really feel genuine or like i can keep it up for very long. i also never smile. not sure why, if it's a self-conscious thing, or a it doesn't feel natural thing. i think both.

i'm not sure how much of this even jives with others' asperger's characteristics, if i'm just a loner and emotionally stunted person. i figure some people can offer advice or ask some probing questions?

as for not having asperger's, (going from lists of symptoms from various websites) i'm not clumsy, and i'm actually athletic. i played football and soccer in high school. i'm only clumsy when it comes to moving fluidly, with like hand gestures. hand gestures and natural body control baffle me. no one has ever suggested i have asperger's. high school was strange. constant interaction with peers because of classes and sports made me more comfortable with people, like i could get by pretty easily, and i thought that was normal for me. but now i'm realizing that i always felt out of place and disconnected, and put on extroverted acts. i was anxious throughout high school, but didn't realize it until afterwards. i'm not sure how i got through high school, but now i feel incapable of emoting or connecting, or doing anything with others. i'm baffled.

sorry for the rambles. i just kept adding thoughts as they came to me. i definitely would love some opinions or questions. i just don't think my complete internal awkwardness and anxiety and disconnectedness, etc is normal or only a product of depression or something. i'm not really sure what i should think.

thank you for reading, if you indeed got this far!

Last edited by DFW on 10 May 2011, 12:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

the more i scour the forum the more i find that i identify with. wow.

i saw someone mention intense suicidal and injurious thoughts during really stressful times that go away after a little while. i associated weird freakouts like that with panic attacks, which was an official diagnosis a couple years ago. they are definitely panic, but i wasn't really convinced they were only panic attacks because i have (mainly had) typical panic attacks too, and what i'm talking about is much different.

i'm OCD but i definitely have weird routines, mainly with the internet. compulsive website browsing cycles i can't avoid whenever i enter my room, even if i've been gone for 20 minutes and i know there is no new content to read.

unexpected change throws me off, especially when i'm supposed to go do something with friends. it's already hard enough to be comfortable with almost anyone, but if i do get comfortable (i normally need to be drinking though!) and then the dynamic is thrown off, like someone shows up, or there's a change of plans, or two people get really into a one on one conversation and i don't know how to jump in, then i just get irrationally panicky and sink into my head and look for escape routes. i can handle change if i orchestrate it though. i moved myself to new york city for college. that was a good decision. macro-change isn't as a bad as situational micro-changes.

um, i'm not sure about the 'intense interests'. i don't want to fit my experiences and habits to certain symptoms. i do get unhealthily, and inexplicably obsessed with things though. but i have no idea if anything i'm describing is common to 'NTs' (a term i just learned) as well, or how severe my experiences are compared to others'. it leads me to doubt that i'm being honest to myself.

oh and i hate social cues. looking out for them, and trying to respond to them, and seem normal and aware in the first place is EXHAUSTING. my social strategy for a while has been (when i've been forced into the party situations) either keep winning at beer pong so i don't have to be mobile or actively social and just be the guy who's good at the cool drinking game like it's no big deal for me or anything, or i get a fourloko because they're so large and take time to drink and not tasty at all and just sit around and look chill with the large can in my hand (which normally works do my advantage, i think). always a strategy or fake projection. never fluent interaction.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

As long as I can read it I don't mind either way about how it's written.

Well, it sounds like you have at least some traits of AS, but of course, nobody can be certain over something you write on the internet.
Hope you enjoy your time here .

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

thanks folks!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

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