I'm a new member and seeking a few answers.

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Hi, I'm Christina. I'm simply here looking for answers and advice and support. I joined WrongPlanet because my current boyfriend has Asperger's and I just wanted to come here to understand it more. As much as I've researched I should know everything about it, at least from a NT's point of view. I'm really not sure what to write. I love him very much, and he tells me the same, constantly, and I am glad I met him. We haven't had any relationship problems yet. I think the only spat we had was a month and a half after we met online, and it was over my nose ring and how it made him have bad vibes about me. I didn't quite understand how that bothered him and not the fact that I dressed gothic most of the time. There are times when he stumps me. I remember one time when I had come to Tennessee to visit him (we live a state apart) and we had gone to have lunch with his dad at Legend's Steakhouse. There were like five other people with us. Well, him and I were the last to go up to the table and he wanted to sit beside me without bothering the other people at the table. There was a seat at the end of the table and one adjacent to it, but he didn't want me to sit there at the end with him in the other chair. I remeber him saying something like "I would interfer with your space" or something along those lines. He seemed totally baffled by the situation. After discussing the seating arrangement for a couple minutes, someone kindly let him have their seat and I took the one he didn't want to sit in. There are times when it seemed his mind couldn't exactly process the situation, and it left him somewhat confused until someone corrected him. Is this thing sort of normal in a young Aspie? He's 23, and still quite new to normal social interact on the NT level. Could someone help me understand this from his point of view?

Well, I certainly don't speak for all aspies, and nobody really can. but I can kind of relate to the seating situation. in my case, I find that I am very indecisive about things that seem completely mundane and obvious to most people. It's because I try to figure out every possible outcome of any situation. what's worse, is I try to understand the point of view of everybody around me, and how any little action will affect everybody, and in what ways. I try to see everything from everybody's eyes at once, if you will. I find myself paralyzed at times if I can't be certain of everything that might happen as a result of my actions.

another thing...is that I really can't stand eating while sitting across from somebody. or sitting across from anybody in general, no matter how much I like that person. because that means constant expected eye contact, which most aspies have a strong aversion to.

Thank you for responding. I know all Aspies are different. He does try to consider what consequences even the slightest actions will make. I would like to ask him some questions of this nature, but he has expressed it to me a few times that he is sensitive on the subject. He says I can ask if I want, but I don't want to impede on him, so I don't. For example, I would like to ask him about how severe his sensory processing is so I don't ever do anything to overwhelm him. That's why I'm looking to what others with Aperger's has to say so I can at least have an insight at what life is like for him.

Oh, I know about the eye contact thing too. But the odd thing is he's better at eye contact than me. I can barely look him in the eye for literally a second.

Welcome to WP!

that can happen too. I never understood why I was different, so I always tried to apear to be normal as much as I could. as a result of that, I can maintain eye contact better than most, oddly enough. But at the same time it's still uncomfortable for me. I can stare at anybody long enough to make them even more uncomfortable though but it feels like lying, so I don't like to do it.


As with sensory overload, I'm not sure if I should attempt to explain that one because even for an aspie I have very unique senses. So I don't know how much of it is from being an aspie, and how much of it is from my senses developing differently. I became partially deaf at a young age, so my ears developed to sense vibrations better to make up for it. But even if they didn't, I'm certain I would have the same difficulties that I already do.

I find that I am constantly aware of my non-immediate surroundings, and I can't not be. it's not like a painful assault on my senses, but I find it harder to concentrate on what's in front of me because I can hear everything going on outside of my house, or outside of my room. Right now, the neighbors two houses over are arguing, and on the other side of the house two dogs are running up and down the street doing god knows what. somebody is in the kitchen ripping a paper towel, and somebody is walking across the hall downstairs. and there's just no way that I can tune all of that out like most people do automatically unless I block the sounds/vibrations with the AC or something.

But, again, I'm not sure if this is an aspie trait, or simply because I grew up trying to strain to make out what people were saying because sounds were often muffled to me. so, anybody else wanna chime in here?

As far as I know, is that he has difficulty with loud or high pitch noises. It simply agitates him. He say one of the things he likes about me is how quiet my voice is when I talk. He's the touchy feely type of aspie, so touch is no problem for him, but he still doesn't touch me as much as a NT male would. I'm ok with that. As far the other senses go, I'm in the dark.

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

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loud noises irritate me as well, but I always thought that was because of my unique ears..when I was 3, I was stricken by a very unusual disease which left one of my ears almost completely deaf, but as I grew up that ear adapted to detect vibrations much more than a normal ear does. as a result of that, I "feel" every sound, and am more aware of things as I explained earlier. a sudden or load noise feels like it physically strikes my brain, so it leads to frequent headaches. It kind of sounds like he may be similar in that regard.

I've been wondering lately if I truly am an aspie, or if maybe I just have aspie traits because of the way I've grown up with such senses while developing isolated from others. it's not just hearing..all of my senses are damaged or heightened in undesirable ways somehow XD

Hi, I read what you guys have been talking about it, and I can't help agreeing. So long as the song or noise is something that bothers me, I get irritated. But I play video games and listen to music at quite a loud volume. My English tutor, who introduced me to Asperger's, said that it's because its noise that I'm used to hearing or like.

I don't exactly have qualms about someone's sitting when I eat. Although, I do have to admit that sometimes when I want to eat meals in the crowded canteen of my school alone, I get really uncomfortable when someone is sitting nearby.

Hi Chris. Welcome to WP. I am an NT married to an Aspie guy. I would recommend you one thing: ask him. There is no way you can understand how he feels via other people. All Aspies are different, not all perceive the same things in the same way, and not all have the same sensory issues, and those issues can change with time. What you ca do is write all the things you would like to ask him, and ask one thing as a time. Find the way to introduce the subject when you are having a pleasant conversation, so he is relaxed, and ask just one thing and then change the subject, that way he will not feel overwhelmed. My Aspie husband expects me to ask him things about him. He says that shows I care. So probably your boyfriend will appreciate your concern, too.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thanks for the advice Ilka. Next time I call him and we're having a pleasnat conversation, I'll try it. He usually makes most of the conversation and I am trying to be less shy with him, and I have gotten better. He really appreciates it when I open up to him, so maybe if I do ask, I will get the same result.

Also, in the actual situation, I wouldn't ask any questions. Now you know about this particular preference, so I would suggest that next time you're in a group eating somewhere, you ask him as you go into the room, "Where would you like to sit, and where would you like me to sit?" When he knows he can count on you to be accepting of his preferences, you'll eventually be able to discuss beforehand, and develop a secret code for him to ask.

FWIW, my dd with AS was reluctant to go away to a friend's cottage (which isn't surprising!) and explained that she didn't like to eat with people. I realized I used to have real problems with that, too. High school cafeterias are so not good for people with AS...

J.