I am a male, nearly 37 and was "diagnosed" by a municipal licensed clinical therapist who bravely ventured beyond her pay grade to suggest that I may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome when I was 35. In retrospect I really relaxed and opened up to her and she heard me get down to a level where I dropped the facade and went monotone. I accidentally fooled the psych nurse at the same office because I had a crush on her and was acting normal around her.
I told a friend at my job, did some research onto it, then went into denial about a week and a half later.
This was only weeks after I committed myself after succumbing to despair/anxiety over being alone; it was the worst experience of my life. 96-100 hours of hell.
More recently I returned to regular employment after a 20+ month hiatus to work on my novel, go to school and generally attempt to realize more time for my own pursuits. I worked in a public library and came home drained every day due to the high number of contacts with co-workers (46 or so) during the work shift. I was unable to cope with the high number of short interactions upon seeing co-workers for the first time during a shift and resorted to "hiding in plain sight". I would duck them and fast walk to my section of the library making as few contacts as possible. It was at this time I had to face the reality that I did indeed have this disorder. I began to research the disorder but the writing was on the wall when I a vid on YouTube. The individual described my experience exactly.
I have for so long now masqueraded as a "normal person". I have since my acceptance of this situation dropped the "act" atleast for a large part of the time.
I see how this disorder has colored my entire life. How it has caused me to be the object of abuse, ridicule and the loss of levels of education warranted by my intellect and level of artistic talent.
Now I struggle against anxiety brought on by the high levels of loneliness that I endure. I have accidentally scared women in the past due to my social inabilities and intensity.
I do not know what to do. I feel like a 9 year old trapped in an adult's body, trying to not get caught pretending.
I am very distrustful of people because of my experience, yet would like to meet people, especially a woman.
11 Sep 2011, 4:09 pm
