Hi!
I hope no one will mind me posting here. I'll try to be unobtrusive. I'm an NT, but I've met the most incredible, wonderful, gorgeous guy who was diagnosed with Asperger's about a year ago. He's so amazing; I feel so fortunate every day to have met him.
I came here, though, because he only recently told me that he has Asperger's. It never occurred to me that he might, although it probably should have as he has a lot of common charicteristics/behaviours.
Anyway, I'm mostly concerned about how to make things continue work between us. I just want to find out more about AS so that I can avoid being thoughtless in how I handle various situations. While I adore J, I notice that there are what seem like real communication differences between us, and I want to try to minimise the confusion or difficulty that results.
He's 29, I'm 23. I'm an NT but I'm not really all that 'typical' myself, I guess, so I didn't notice much unusual about him until he mentioned that he had Asperger's.
J is very shy around most people, but if he likes someone then he's quite talkative. As far as special interests go, he's really obsessed with music (playing it) and a few specific bands. He's unbelievably gifted at playing guitar; I've never seen anything like it. I didn't notice the degree of interest and peg that as unusual, though, because music is my life and we like the same bands.
J really does not make eye contact with people, and his expressions tend not to correspond exactly with what people would expect based on his conversation at a certain time, if that makes sense? Like he smiles at unusual points in dialogue and tends to have non-typical expressions in group photographs.
He both is and isn't bothered by people touching him. Basically, J seems to respond to people based on what they think of him rather than what they say. Not that he's psychic, but he has a very accurate perception of people's opinion of him, and people who like him he's very open with and tactile toward. People who are "fake-nice", though, he cannot stand. Like, if someone who doesn't really like him tries to shake his hand he'll get very agitated. He can't pretend to like someone if he doesn't.
J eats the same thing every day. He eats twice a day, and it's been almost the exact same thing for about 12 years. It never occurred to me that that was odd because I used to be anorexic & still have very nonstandard/rigid eating habits myself.
Anyway, I have some questions that I was wondering if anyone could help me with.
1) People on the board have repeatedly mentioned not being able to make eye contact with NTs, and feeling like trying to do so was very uncomfortable. Does the reverse make you uncomfortable, too? Like, if I'm 'staring' at you while I talk, would that bother you? Would you feel more comfortable if I looked somewhere else while I spoke to you? I don't want to inadvertantly make him uncomfortable.
2) Meltdowns/sensory overload. J completely freaks out over things from time to time. The episodes have gotten much less frequent, but they do happen occasionally. How should I deal with something like that? If we're at home, should I just try to minimise the stimuli in the environment (tv, noise, etc) and leave the room or do I talk to him or what? What about in public places? I really don't know what my response should be.
3) Sometimes J answers questions with the answer to a completely different question. Once I was like, "I hardly know anything about your brother. What kind of guy is he?" and J went "He hates mangoes. But he drinks a lot of Capri Sun." Which, to me, definitely did not explain a lot about his brother.
I'm not always sure if he's uncomfortable with the question and trying to avoid it, or if he's genuinely unaware that the answer he's given does not seem, to an NT, like a linear answer. Is there a way I can tell the difference?
4) What books or other resources would you suggest for me about AS?
15 Sep 2006, 3:02 am
