Another Do I Belong Here Thread

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Hi. I suppose I am asking if it seems like I have some kind of autism/aspergers syndrome. Has anyone else had these experiences?

As a child I felt much more comfortable talking to adults than other children.

I used to "space out" and I would not be able to hear when people were talking to me. They would wave their hand in front of me or raise their voice, and then I would "wake up." Sometimes I will still tune people out and then I can recall what they said afterwards and repeat it back to them, even if I initially didn't respond to their questions. I usually only do this with people I am very comfortable with--not acquaintances. Honestly, I enjoy the feeling I have when I space out--it's kind of like meditating or resting my brain.

Sometimes when I talk, people think I have an accent thought I shouldn't. Sometimes I am surprised when I say something and it doesn't come out right. I used to laugh really weird--it sounded like extremely loud coughing. It was kind of scary. Sometimes I switch words around when I talk--like the other evening I blurted, "Why you do that?" What I really should have said was, "Why would you do that to us?"--and it was supposed to be in a joking tone. But I felt like a kid who had blown the wrong note on a clarinet--so that the sound was monstrous and shocking instead of harmonious. I often feel awkward in social situations. Sometimes people say that I talk extremely quietly and they can't understand what I am saying (then I talk louder). Mostly, I talk normal--but these incidents make me afraid of talking.

Kids used to make fun of me because I didn't smile much, but I do smile and laugh--I just don't do it fakely very well. I hate small talk. I sometimes laugh a lot from reading humor in books. I do like fiction and non-fiction.

My husband says that I do not show emotion and that I talk in a monotone voice. He also gets mad when I "stare" at him or do not speak at the proper time. I do not talk in a monotone voice, but I think there is some truth to his criticism. I do not understand flirting and was told by my friends that my idea of "flirting" is ignoring the other person. I had a hard time learning social rules as a teenager...and I used to wish that people would just say what they mean--not expect you to know because they make some silence or expression--or they are implying something.

I can socialize somewhat better now, but I still don't know when conversations are too long or too short and I agonize about this often. When should I say more? When am I talking too much? How many questions should I ask? Sometimes I accidentally ask too personal of questions too--even though I am just trying to be friendly. I care a lot about people and things--I stop on the sidewalk to pick up bugs...I worry about the news and volunteer at the animal shelter--so I do not consider myself to be unsympathetic at all. I feel a lot, often too much.

I always did a lot of art as a kid and now I can draw very realistic pictures. When I was a child I could spend hours arranging flowers, and once I sat on the floor of my uncle's kitchen and carefully created a mural picture of a dog, out of spilled dog food kibble on the ground. I won best in show for my drawing that I entered in my university art contest/gallery. I've won third place for fiction writing at the same university in a writing competition. I have an average IQ.

I was diagnosed with ADD when in middle school, then I was again diagnosed with bipolar disorder in high school. I don't know if I really believe either of these diagnosis, but as an adult I find that I have symptoms of pure O OCD or general anxiety.

I have a lot of interests. In fact, they are fairly diverse and flexible, though I am repelled by mechanics, machinery, and enterprising stuff like marketing ventures. I like mythology and botany right now. I like certain concepts like symbiosis and the color spectrum. I used to really like prisms. Genetics is kind of interesting (I'm not a science major though, so my understanding is really, really limited). Math is interesting, but the upper level math is not my forte. I also like to collect rocks and fossils. I like to learn about medicinal herbs and alternative nutrition. I don't get to become too much of an expert in these things, but I enjoy talking about them. I also enjoy listening to other people tell stories or talk about their interests. I like to listen to people tell their ancestral history (this is the most pleasant small talk).
I like to listen to my instructors and watch them. I find this much more enjoyable than most other social interactions.
I'm trying to write a novel right now.

Anyway, sorry that that was super long. I just know there is something wrong with me socially and I was hoping that the aspergers/autism spectrum might explain it. I like people and want them to like me, but I cannot even fathom how to make a friend. I feel better knowing that there might be others who also like people, and are nice, but who have trouble communicating with them.

Oh--the other reason I am interested in asperger's is because my eight year old son is experiencing similar things as I did. His teachers are complaining that he seems to stare off into space during instruction, and he isn't making a lot of friends. A couple have suggested ADD, though he isn't hyper, and his most recent teacher suggested asperger's (her son has it).

He hates writing and is behind in this fine motor skill. He tends to correct his classmates, talk of his interests and not the interests of others, and parallel play a lot.

He's not very interested in art but he wants to learn how to build mechanical things and take things apart with tools. He tries to collect pieces of mechanical stuff, like bolts, electrical wires, old batteries, and other things that I consider trash. Sometimes we go through struggles.

He used to line things up a lot as a baby--like line up his cars or dinosaurs into really long lines.

He tends to talk with an elevated vocabulary, but it takes him a long time to say his ideas and sometimes he keeps talking even after he is interrupted (for a couple seconds).

He can also take great offense to games with other children--like if they insist on something that isn't true but also isn't directly offensive to him--he can end up bursting into angry crying.

I don't want him to have to suffer the same type of social isolation, stigma, self doubt and low self esteem, that I did. So that is another reason why I am here to learn about asperger's/autism spectrum. I want to learn how to help him to succeed, especially with his peers.

Anyway, thanks again for reading. I look forward to learning more from this site. Do you think this sounds like autism or aspergers? Or something else?

First off, Welcome to Wrong Planet!! !

You sound like a very interesting person who has a whole lot to contribute.

About your son, you may also want to try our Parent's Forum.

About making friends, living in Houston, overhearing a conversation it occurred to me, no one knows their apartment neighbors. You can live next to someone for five years and not know them. This is 'normal' for apartment living. I hit upon a theory, that people are afraid of getting bogged. And I hit upon a method, just keep walking. I can say hello and have a little bit of a conversation, just keep walking and that way, they're not on the spot and can let their guard down a little. That is, I try not to overdo it, and it is a set of learnable skills.

With groups, like kayaking club, Green Party, dance classes, I came up with my theory that only 1 out of 9 groups really works out, maybe because the leaders half regret taking on the obligations and don't want to do anything more, other people are 'overpeopled' and aren't looking to meet new people, meeting once a month is not enough to get any kind of traction going, etc. So, the method in response, at least for me, is to light touch a variety of groups.

Anyway, these are a couple of things that have worked for me, sometimes (luck is also a big factor). And as a community, I think it's very valuable to for us to share ideas.

Please Note: I AM NOT A PARENT. I do have younger relatives I care about and I have lived the life of a person on the spectrum.

Because I made good grades and was the oldest, my parents kind of treated me as the hero of the family. And that wasn't so cool. I wish they would have just treated me as a real, three-dimensional person.

After we moved to Houston when I was in third grade and 10 years old, I was trying to help carry things in. My Dad said, "Why don't you go out and make some friends." I took this far too literally and tried to 'excel.' (it's also a disrespectful way to think about other people) So, I took to walking the neighborhood and passively standing in the large sand box, hesitating to say things, trying not to make a mistake.

And the funny thing is, I have skills at being a low-key leader. The leadership skills are the easier, more straightforward skills, and the better skills to boot. As an adult, I can kind of understand a "party" and "small talk," as we stand around and loosely jump from one disconnected topic to another. I'm not against people doing this. I'm just not particularly interested in doing this myself. So, instead of developing a pale shadow of "normal" social skills, why don't I jump to the one's I'm really interested in?

As a boy, I was succesful in organizing tag games, picnics, even an outdoor carnival for muscular dystrophy (and then just one for money!)

Okay, your son probably needs to graciously back off from correctly other people. If they're wrong, just let them be wrong. At the same time, he can probably invite people to activities he's interested in. Sometime people aren't interested, but sometimes they are. This kind of low-key, matter-of-fact positive leadership is a lot easier than people tend to think.

Thanks.
I've explained to my son that people don't like to be corrected. And that they like it when you are interested in them or what they are interested in--and that it's good to ask them questions about themselves.

I like to talk to people in groups and I can talk to my neighbors too...there is just this move from becoming acquaintance to becoming friends that I really don't understand.

Like, I would talk to this co-worker after work, and even once outside of work, and she even asked for my phone number and suggested we have dinner together--she suggested that I come over to her house to have dinner.

I was somewhat afraid of that...so I didn't say anything like "Oh yeah, we should do that..." I don't know...it just seemed kind of weird. I don't even know her. I just changed the subject and tried to be friendly. I find it much easier to talk to people about things, which is what happens when you are in an interest group setting (like green party, gem and mineral clubs, or exotic fruit societies--or uni classes).

Plus, in a weird coincidence, she's (my co-worker) the one who originally talked of aspergers to me. She was kind of talking-smack about this other co-worker and saying she thought the other coworker had aspergers because she wasn't very friendly. She explained to me that "people with aspergers don't have empathy" and she made it sound like they don't care about anyone but themselves. So, I was really resistant to the idea that I or my son be aspergers because I know that we both care a lot about other people, even if they can't tell.

Anyway, part of me is really afraid about getting anything closer than talking about ideas or listening to the other person talk about what is important to them. It's kind of like a weird social anxiety. I actually prefer online forum talking because it's more in a controlled environment and there is more emphasis on discussing ideas...plus there is more time to review what you wrote (and a smaller chance of sticking your foot in your mouth). And I have real trouble organizing ideas when I am talking--but it is easier to do with writing.

Thanks for your response!

Welkome to WP!

Mick

You're welcome. Glad I was able to help a little. Putting all this into words often helps me, too.

Now, if it was me, I might overdo and stand their like a lunk trying to be "interested." Of course, it would be uncomfortable for the other person, and then I would wonder what I had done wrong.

One thing I learned, actually from poker, is that I can make a good move and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That plain old luck is a big factor. And that overdoing a move does not exactly help. Of course, with your eight year old son, I'm sure you can come up with a better and more wholesome example than poker.


That is awkward. That's kind of a social blunder on her part, running down a co-worker to you, whatever the reason. I guess, just be ready if she brings it up again. Maybe something like, I think a person with Asperger's just has a different way of caring about others, or whatever seems rights. She's probably not good relationship material, because she sounds kind of negative. That's kind of sad. Plus, dinner seems like too big a step anyway. Now, someone you feel has some potential as a friend, yes, sometimes jumping levels works just fine. I am trying to continue to trust and develop my gut about who to continue a further relationship with and who not so much, with some success.

I, too, like online. And I definitely like discussing ideas. With real life, some zen ideas have helped me, I guess as well as anything. And even that only works some of the time.

Welcome.

To WrongPlanet!! !