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JHKyle
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13 Oct 2011, 1:19 pm

I was diagnosed in 2009, by accident. I was working in a high school, and had several AS and autistic students. I was sitting in my first series of ARDs, and after they had finished, the diagnostician took me aside and asked me if I had ever been tested. I said no. She arranged for the school diagnostician to visit with me, and she said that I did register on the AS chart. I don't know if that was the best thing for me to hear, or the worst.

So now I see things through that lens, and...it has made life difficult for me. I'm unemployed, though I have a Master's Degree. I have an innate ability to communicate, but I fear when I open my mouth and try to speak, I speak in tones that no one can understand.

I am torn between who I am, where I am at, and the duality of identity and reality.

I feel I am two people sometimes, one this person who has done well for himself in terms of being intellectually capable, clever with a word, compassionate and caring for others, and willing to give help and love to others.

then there is the other me, the one who can't seem to get out of himself, to escape the world of who i am. this is the one that is shunned by the world, the one the world sees as weird, odd, and because of his uniqueness, is somehow dangerous--even though, of course, I wouldn't hurt a fly, have never had any sort of legal issues or questionable habits. I do my best to be the upright citizen--and the thanks I get is the rejection of society as one of "those" types.

this idea, this notion that somehow it is "okay" to be different. i'm convinced it is one of the greatest lies. i remember watching this PSA back in the 1990s with a bunch of teenagers, and one of them says, "these are my friends, we're all different--in the same way," and all I could think was, "so, you're not actually different."

I am here because...I'm hurting. I am in deep, soulful pain. I don't know who I am. I know who I am on paper, I know who I am in terms of what I think I am, but something tells me that I'm either not telling the truth, or I am deceiving myself.



glasstoria
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13 Oct 2011, 1:25 pm

It is really hard sometimes, those different parts of yourself and who you might be.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, it sounds like you are in the right place :)


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Sowlowsolo
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13 Oct 2011, 1:50 pm

I believe that feeling split is a common problem in many Aspies. I feel it myself. In my case I put it down to having 75 out of 200 NT score alongside 126 out of 200 Aspie score - so I'm Aspie but I have a reasonable NT score as well. Hence I don't really know who or what I am!

Give the test a try - see how much NT you are.

And I feel your pain ((hug))



CockneyRebel
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13 Oct 2011, 11:30 pm

Welkome to WP!

Mick :)


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richie
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15 Oct 2011, 4:28 pm

Image
To WrongPlanet!! !Image


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Ariel77
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17 Oct 2011, 1:13 pm

Hi and welcome to WP,

What you describe is quite known also to me and I consider it a long and complex task to feel myself more and more again. I believe that as a kid I didn't have this issues until I had to interact both with the expectations of the social world and of my parents who wanted me at any cost to adapt to society's expectations. In a way I understand their concern but those had nothing to do with who I was and who I wanted to remain.
But I think that it is possible to fight for your own identity even when it is so difficult and delicate.
For me there are the following aspects that influenced me negatively in terms of losing the contact with my self: 1. parents 2. Society 3. ASD
Analyzing all this 3 influences is helping me to get a clearer view of what and who makes me feel good, what kind of activities and input are supportive and not. Selfanalysis, taking care of one's mental well-being.
To me it seems that Aspies have to do more effort than NTs to find their way of living also because we might deceive ourselves if we have difficulties to be aware of our own emotions.
So any activity, be it therapy or reading books or any kind of art, where you come in contact with causes of your distance to yourself and wherever you have the feeling that you can express your feelings, go for it.
Express yourself as often as possible and you might get to know yourself better, step by step. It's after all the most precious activity one can invest time in.
Regards,

Ariel


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Brainfre3ze_93
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17 Oct 2011, 1:24 pm

Welcome!


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Animegal86
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18 Oct 2011, 7:13 pm

JHKyle wrote:
I was diagnosed in 2009, by accident. I was working in a high school, and had several AS and autistic students. I was sitting in my first series of ARDs, and after they had finished, the diagnostician took me aside and asked me if I had ever been tested. I said no. She arranged for the school diagnostician to visit with me, and she said that I did register on the AS chart. I don't know if that was the best thing for me to hear, or the worst.

So now I see things through that lens, and...it has made life difficult for me. I'm unemployed, though I have a Master's Degree. I have an innate ability to communicate, but I fear when I open my mouth and try to speak, I speak in tones that no one can understand.

I am torn between who I am, where I am at, and the duality of identity and reality.

I feel I am two people sometimes, one this person who has done well for himself in terms of being intellectually capable, clever with a word, compassionate and caring for others, and willing to give help and love to others.

then there is the other me, the one who can't seem to get out of himself, to escape the world of who i am. this is the one that is shunned by the world, the one the world sees as weird, odd, and because of his uniqueness, is somehow dangerous--even though, of course, I wouldn't hurt a fly, have never had any sort of legal issues or questionable habits. I do my best to be the upright citizen--and the thanks I get is the rejection of society as one of "those" types.

this idea, this notion that somehow it is "okay" to be different. i'm convinced it is one of the greatest lies. i remember watching this PSA back in the 1990s with a bunch of teenagers, and one of them says, "these are my friends, we're all different--in the same way," and all I could think was, "so, you're not actually different."

I am here because...I'm hurting. I am in deep, soulful pain. I don't know who I am. I know who I am on paper, I know who I am in terms of what I think I am, but something tells me that I'm either not telling the truth, or I am deceiving myself.


I feel your pain! This past April I graduated with my bachelors but only now are job prospects looking up. Hang in there! Sometimes, I feel like I am alone even as I have done so much and get the praise from family. AS places challenges before us aspies. I can tell you, I do not let my AS define my life. I work with it and sometimes it doesn't work out. You have people like me on this sight from all age ranges who can be your support. Never give up because of one rejection or failure, that failed try means there are just 10,000 more options/methods to get to your goal, metaphorically speaking.



Catperson
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19 Oct 2011, 1:42 pm

love yourself or nobody will do it

It's amazing how many people feel relief being diagnosed, be yourself, you are part of this world ....don't try to emulate NTs.....

Ok some people may dislike you, do you really care about that? How many of them are sincere anyway???