Greetings Wrongplanet members!
I am a thirty-six year old male, who resides in Southern California, in the northwest part of Los Angeles County. Over the last few years, I have made a deliberate effort to understand why am I am, the way I am. After examining my life's history, my behavioral patterns and associated symptoms, I have concluded that Asperger's Syndrome is an appropriate diagnosis. I became aware of Asperger’s approximately three years ago. Over time, I began seeing more frequent mentions of Asperger’s in the media, which piqued my curiosity. Due to my life being so much different than others, I had always had a feeling my problems were more deep-rooted than the official diagnoses I was given. This led me to investigate Asperger’s and gauge the similarity of Asperger’s symptoms to my own problems. After spending plenty of time reading, things fell into place and I am beginning to feel that I have found the reason for the way I am.
I’ve read quite a bit on this forum over the last few weeks. In one introduction I noticed someone saying how reading posts here is like looking in a mirror. My impression is likewise and I find it intriguing to know that there are others like me. I do not know anyone like me. My few friends I’ve had have never resembled me in any way and certainly none of my family members have anything in common with me. I was adopted though so my family wouldn’t share any genetic traits with me.
There are many reasons why I believe I fit the diagnosis. Primarily, it is my life-long social difficulties that lead me to believe my diagnosis is correct. The other symptoms that I have are a focus on personal interests, sensitivity to sound and smell, a strict adherence to a routine lifestyle, difficulty adapting to change, an inability to form relations with people who share similar interests, gaze avoidance, etc. (The unedited version of this post was an attempt to list most of my symptoms from childhood till the present. I decided to spare you that.)
Obtaining an official diagnosis is something I am considering, but for financial reasons it isn’t possible right now. Additionally, I am unsure it what value an official diagnosis would have. Were I to obtain a diagnosis, I would remain the same person I have always been. During the time of my youth, there was no official diagnosis for Asperger’s Syndrome but I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder at the age of seven. As an adult, I was also diagnosed with Depression, PTSD, and Social-Phobia. I am also prone to anxiety and panic attacks, generally triggered by judgmental or social situations. Six years of psychotherapy and medications did not affect the slightest change in my personality or behavior. The only positive benefit I can think of was my ability to end my habit of gaze avoidance. Near the end of my psychotherapy, I recall my doctor mentioning that I may be suffering from “some kind” of developmental disorder. She was concerned with my inability to learn and adapt to new situations and my failure to mature and become a functioning, financially independent adult. It never went farther than that because soon after I lost my medical insurance, which ended my treatment in 1998.
My life has been an endless series of failures so far, one disaster after another. I have never fit in anywhere and I have had enormous difficulties. I dropped out of high school before completing the tenth grade and attempted to continue my education at a community college, where I promptly dropped all my classes. (Except for classical guitar technique and music theory!) My employment history is unimpressive and filled with extensive periods of joblessness. At this point in my life I am almost a complete loner. My only family consists of my mother and sister. I have only two friends, one who lives too far away to see regularly and one who lives nearby, but whom I rarely enjoy seeing. I have no social life to speak of and to be honest, I do not currently wish for one. The solitary life suits me quite well and I enjoy doing things on my own. However, the lack of female companionship in my life has caused me no end of grief. I have been no stranger to long-term relationships, but as I grow older but not richer, my opportunities for finding a mate are quickly being extinguished.
Currently I am unemployed and living with my family, wondering what to do next. My life is focused on my routines and hobbies, but I know I need to change if I am to improve my life. I’ve literally been doing the same thing all my life: spending most of my time in my room, reading, listening to music, occasionally hiking and losing myself in reverie. I am dreadfully unhappy much of the time, but enjoy myself immensely once in a while. Perhaps it may sound like I dislike myself. That wouldn’t be true. I do like myself and can’t imagine being anyone else. My great disappointment is my inability to find my place in the world and become an independent person.
I will stop here, lest I pen a screed that will bore you poor readers to death! Many times I have problems being concise when writing. I practically never initiate any contact with others, but this place certainly seems the appropriate place for me to do so! Every time I visit this site I see a few threads to which I would like to add my comments.
09 Feb 2005, 12:27 am
