Another Newbie

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Hi all,

I am 41 years old and have only fairly recently come to the conclusion I probably have AS. About 8 months ago I made some bad investments and lost a considerable chunk of money. At the same time a house purchase fell through. This resulted in some fairly bad depression. After about 6 months of feeling like hell and not managing to get any work done I decided enough was enough and I had to work out what was going on. I normally don't feel much emotion and show even less (I have been told I am weird because nothing seems affect me) so this was very much out of character, in fact when I told my mother about the depression she didn't believe me. At that point I had a lot of negative thoughts about the fact that I have never been able to form relationships so I did some searching on the Internet and Asperger's Syndrome popped up.

I have always identified with Autistics, for instance some time back I watched a documentary on a guy with HFA. They mentioned quite a few things about him that were supposed to be odd but they seemed perfectly sensible to me. Anyway I looked into AS a bit further and it certainly seemed to explain a lot about me. I did a few on-line tests and most came up positive for AS, along with face blindness and an almost total inability to read emotions in people's eyes. Some of the 'other people say' type questions were a bit hard to answer because I don't socialize much. I have a couple of close friends but I deal with most other people on a purely professional basis.

Looking back on it, the depression was mostly anxiety though up until recently I didn't recognize what it was. Now I recognize anxiety I realize I've had it all my life. One obvious symptom is that I shake, especially when in crowds or other stressful situations. It also explains my life long stomach problems. I can't believe it has taken me this long to recognize what it was! Now I know I can hopefully get some help on reducing it's effects.

Thankfully I don't have too many sensitivities. I am affected by bright sunlight (glasses with photo chromic lenses sort that out) and loud noise. I also don't tend to have meltdowns, which seems unusual for AS. I used to have a tendency to occasionally go into an uncontrollable rage and smash something to pieces but that has mostly disappeared since I gave up caffeine.

One thing I do notice is that I seem to have a delay in processing. This is noticeable when I talk to people. It is not just with speech though. For example I fly radio controlled aircraft and one trick is to catch the plane as it goes past. No matter how long I practice this I can't do it, even with planes that are flying at not much more than a brisk walking pace. I can fly the thing into my hand but even then I can't grab it! I have pretty good dexterity so it isn't simply clumsiness. I've always compared my brain to a big old diesel engine. It has plenty of power but it takes it's time to get up to speed. Most people are like petrol(gas) engines - they may not have the same steady pulling power but they get up to speed much quicker.

To be honest, AS (if that's what it is) has probably done me more good than harm. My special interests are computers, electronics and machinery and they have turned into a very successful career. Combine the three and you get computer controlled machines. I am self employed designing embedded electronics and software for controlling CNC machines. Once I get started on an interesting job I tend to just keep going non stop all day so I have a reputation for being able to dig people out of trouble in a hurry. People are happy to overlook any eccentricities if I can sort out their problems in double quick time!

I am uncomfortable dealing with people face to face but in my work I can keep most of my communication to email and occasionally the phone. Even face to face I don't have too much trouble if it is related to business.

Would I look for a cure? Hell, no. This is what I am and I am mostly content with my life, even though it may seem rather limited to some people. Some time back I read The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon. It is a sci fi book about an autistic guy who gets 'cured'. It looked a whole lot like suicide to me.

My best friend shows many autistic traits though he doesn't show them as much as I do. On the surface he seems to get on well with people and if anything is better than most at recognizing emotions. However after discussing this with him, it turns out to be very much a learned thing. Basically my reaction is 'I don't understand you - your scary, leave me alone' while his is 'I don't understand you so I'm going to study you until I do'. Interestingly he took the face recognition and emotions in the eyes tests and only did slightly better than me.

Sorry for the rather long post. I don't normally go on like this. If we were talking face to face I could summarize it in a few awkward words followed by a long silence

welcome. i'm self-diagnosed at age 55. came upon it when researching aspergers after my nephew was diagnosed. if you want to use the criteria docs use, it can be found at iautistic.com/test_AS.php

I admire you. I'm 20 (diagnosed) Im good with computers but can't get a job bc all I have is a GED . I withdrew from my college classes . And blame my depression on my diagnosis. I sit around all day in self pity and do drugs . Please shed some wisdom upon me wise man

Thanks for the welcome. @shifftheboss, I have to admit I have been lucky. Like you, I dropped out of higher education. I have only ever been employed twice. The first was a part time maintenance job while I was in higher education. The second time I was lucky enough to find an employer who looked at my technical abilities more than my social skill. Self employment works a lot better for me. Again I was lucky enough to find a niche market that suited my skills.

Self pity and avoidance don't work. That is very easy to say but much harder to accept. I have bad reactions to drugs, for example alcohol gives me stomach cramps and pot gives me asthma if I smoke it and makes me extremely paranoid if I eat it. However I did effectively the same thing with books. At my worst I was reading 4+ novels a day. I did little else but read, sleep and occasionally eat. In the short term it helped but in the long term it just made things worse. I'll be brutal here. It is probably very hard for you to acknowledge this but drugs and self pity are your biggest problem, not AS. You need a kick to get yourself out of the rut you have landed in. My kick was when I realized it was seriously affecting my health. Maybe this post can be part of your kick.

You need to sit down and work out what is actually bothering you. You blame your depression on your diagnosis. Does having a bit of paper really make any difference? Would you be as upset if a doctor gave you a certificate saying you were black/white/whatever? Having a diagnosis can't change who you are. What is the real problem?

Do you feel having AS makes you inferior and people won't accept you? Maybe some people won't accept you but in reality most will if you give them the chance. As for the others, f**k 'em, it is their problem not yours. We are different but not inferior. Do you really want to end up an average drone living a boring ordinary life with 2.4 children and working at a job you hate? I sure as hell don't.

Have you tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It is proven to help people on the autistic spectrum and is based very much on analyzing the real reasons behind your negative feelings. Once you know that you can deal with them. If like me you have trouble communicating your feelings you can do a fair amount by yourself. The book 'Asperger Syndrome and anxiety' by Nick Dubin is a good starting point.

If you have difficulty getting a job, try working for yourself. It has many advantages. If you have a really bad day you don't have to work (though you have to be careful not to let that get out of control) and you can work whatever hours suit you. You say you are good with computers. Great. Are you good enough to make money out of it?

Be warned that working for yourself is not easy. You need discipline to keep going when you really don't feel like it. When I feel that way I just think of the alternatives. I have to eat and I really don't want to go back to an employed job.

What particular interests do you have? For instance I like using computers to control things. You may prefer games, web site design or something else. If you are into programming, take a good look at the software you use or want to use. Is some of it overpriced rubbish? Could you do better? If so you have a potential market. Try writing some shareware. My main income is through shareware. It takes very little financial investment so if it fails, all you have lost is some time. Even if your shareware is not a success you have still practiced your skills and taken your mind off your depression. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean you are a failure. Stuff like this is a gamble. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. You only need to win a few to be successful.

Don't expect the money to suddenly start rolling in. It won't. My main product is software to translate drawings into instructions for computer controlled milling and routing machines. For the first year I had zero income from it. I lived on whatever freelance work I could find. It took me 6 months to get to a stage where I thought it was just about ready for beta testing. I then released it for free. The only limitation was that each release ceased functioning after 1 month. As long as people downloaded the latest updates at least once a month they had free use for 6 months. This served two purposes. First it got a lot of people interested (everyone likes free stuff) and second it provided me with a large number of free beta testers. This was a big project and it could have easily fizzled out. I wouldn't recommend being as ambitious as I was unless you are very sure of yourself. Start smaller and work your way up.

Do you frequent forums that cover your areas of interest? Are you well known on them? If so, great. If not try to make yourself more visible. When people ask for help and you think you have useful advice, help them. If you are an accepted and respected member of that community, people within that community are much more likely to buy your software or services. NEVER spam a forum. By all means mention your software/services occasionally and maybe add something to your signature (check with the moderators first!) but don't push too hard. In my experience conventional advertising isn't that effective. Word of mouth is much better.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is to always listen to your customers. Ask them what they want. If you add a new feature, do they like it? If not why not? If they ask for a feature, no matter how odd it may sound at first, pay attention. You may then decide that the feature is too esoteric or would just contribute to bloat but don't just dismiss it out of hand. How many times have you used something and thought that it would have been so much better if the designers had just put a little more thought into it? They didn't listen to what their customers wanted.

My advice about being self employed may not work for you. It works for me and most self employed people I know would never willingly go back to being employed. Whatever you do, don't try too hard to force yourself into some career you don't like. It is a large part of your life so you might as well derive some pleasure from it. One of my friends is self employed and seldom has much money. He is happy doing what he does and he earns enough to live on so the money doesn't matter. He could earn much more in a paid job but he wouldn't enjoy it.

I'll let Tony Attwood have the last word: Be a first rate Aspie, not a second rate NT!

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