My partner is probably Aspie and I need help

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Hello I just joined this site after spending the last fortnight researching and reading all I can about Aspergers. My partner of 3 years is undiagnosed and I have not even broached the subject of Aspergers with him yet for fear of offending or hurting him but I strongly suspect he may have it and I am at my wits end with our relationship and could really do with some helpful advice.
The first thing you are all going to say is...what makes you so sure it's Aspergers and of course I cannot be definately sure as it is not up to me to diagnose him but his behaviour certainly ticks all the boxes.
He is 63 and lives on his own. He has no contact with his two daughters from his first marriage as he has upset them and they have stopped talking to him. He also has no contact to his second wife of 29 years since she left him 7 years ago or his step son from that marriage. He has no parents as they are dead and his only sister lives in Australia. (We are in the UK). He has no interest either to visit her on his own or with me. I have asked on several occasions. He has no close friends to speak of except two or three old buddies from the deep and distant past that pop in if they are passing this way a couple of times a year and one female friend who very obviously to me had romantic intentions but he couldn't read the signs and was totally oblivious. She lives 500 miles away and only rings up occasionally when she has had a row with her husband and stopped visiting him for weekend breaks away since he is with me.
We do not live together but I spend most of my time in fact all of our time together as a couple at his house because he does not feel comfortable at mine. He hates to spend even a night at mine if he can help it so would never consider moving in with me. He refers to his house as our home but whenever I make any suggestions of improving it or making it more homely for us by decorating or new curtains etc he freaks out and will not entertain it as he sees no need to change anything. (He still has all the old furniture pictures and ornaments from his marriage to his second wife and also bedding and stuff he kept from his parents which are now so old they look like they came from the arc)
My place comes with my job so to be in a position to afford a different house together would mean giving up my job which I cannot even entertain till I am sure this relationship is worth it as I am very happy in my job.
He is early retired after being made redundant 10 years ago but has had enough savings and money to keep him ticking over till he gets his proper pension next year. He spends all his days either bird watching and keeping rcords and logs of all the birds he sees. Playing an online card game and doing his newspaper puzzles and watching sport.....and that is it! He eats the same foods that he knows he likes all the time and wants to go on the exact same holidays every year too that he knows and likes. He sees absolutely no reason to ever want to change anything with the motto "if its not broken why fix it?" He is a nightmare on the road and thinks all other drivers are out to get at him which causes him to road rage regularly if I am not in the car to help calm him down. Even considering trying a different restaurant for a change on a sunday brings massive stress so we go to the same one over and over all the time.
What I am wondering here is if there is anyone on these boards that sought a diagnosis or considered that they might be an Aspie after being prompted by a well meaning partner??? How they did do it, what it felt like and if are they glad that they are now more informed and feel like it helped them. Basically are you glad they had the courage to address it and did it help you to get diagnosed.
I feel like I must somehow talk to my partner about it but really do not know where to begin. I know he will never change but at least we could both gain a better understanding if he is an Aspie and I would definately be able to feel more compassionate and understanding towards him too. At the moment I am feeling very sad very lonely and struggling to see a future ahead for us. I have considered getting out and ending it all but for all his infuriating quirks he is a very sweet and clever man. I love him and the thought of abandoning him and leaving him devastated which I know he would be feels worse than staying. I am scared. Its like being stuck between a rock and a very hard place. I would appreciate some kind and helpfull advice on what to do please

It sound to me like he needs to get diagnosed. But he has to want to; don't force him. If he does get diagnosed, it might be hard for him take, at first. It was for me. In fact, I denied it for a long time. But now, even though I still have a few challenges, I've learned to accept it. I think that if you really care about him, you should address your concerns and ask him to at least think about getting diagnosed. It would be beneficial to both of you.

An "official" diagnosis may not be practical--in the USA insurance typically does not cover an adult diagnoses. From a government perspective, a diagnosis is useful for job training to get folks off disability rolls--but once you reach retirement--that all goes away.

What may be practical is to study the relatively new books on relationships involving a partner with Aspergers. Keep in mind that Aspergers is somewhat like having a stroke, in which their disabilities are not only invisible, but vary considerably from person to person. Someone with a stroke may have "perfect vision"--except for the fact that part of their visual field is missing, and may walk straight into a lamp post because their brain doesn't process the information!

Hi there!

I just wanted to ask why it is the case that it is initially hard for anyone to accept a dx. I had my dx a year ago, and I find myself struggling with so many issues, notably low self-esteem and confidence, as well as majorly struggling with sequencing activities. But why does that happen at all? It's like some kind of genie has been let out of the bottle. And I can't get past the fact that I'm the same person as I was BEFORE the dx came through.

Your thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

Hello thanks for your comments. I feel much better today and more hopeful. I have been on Amazon and ordered a few books that look very helpful. I think I will do a bit more reading and wait for the right moment maybe on holiday when we are all relaxed to broach the subject with my partner although getting a formal diagnosis probably is not that important now at his age. I might end up keeping it all to my self and just become a more Aspie friendly partner and see what happens!
Thanks again for listening

Welkome to WP

Mick

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!

Some - not all - Aspies will do things for other people that they'd never do for themselves.

So if you suggest going to a new restaurant and he says "Why?", maybe tell him "Because I'd really like to try it, and I think you'd enjoy it once we got there."

If he has a self-depreciating sense of humour you could also add "though I daresay you'll tell me it's horrible" with a big smile.

It sounds to me as though you are already very Aspie friendly as I think most people would have given up in frustration by now.

Don't necessarily assume he isn't aware of his own problems, at least to a certain extent. He may be all too aware of his own limitations and very scared of letting you down. Avoiding any feeling of pressure is quite important, I think, which is why I suggested humour as a way of taking the edge off things.

Decision-making can be troublesome in this regard, and a more confrontational approach if he says "No", might be to say "Well, I'm going to go there anyway. I'd very much like you to come along, but I won't love you any less if you don't." Then at least he knows that there's no pressure to get the "right" answer, and he's not having to make the decision for both of you because you're going anyway. This in turn might mean he actually says yes! You do have to be prepared to actually walk out gracefully though, rather than staying, if the answer remains "no". And coming back cheerful too (perhaps not TOO cheerful), and just carrying on being friendly as before, so he knows a). there's no decision-making pressure, and b). you are as good as your word (VERY important for an Aspie).

I'm afraid you're probably going to be doing quite a lot of this sort of stuff.

No doubt someone else will be along in a minute to say that my advice is all wrong

It does depend very much on the individual so I'll leave you to weigh it up for yourself. Good luck!