With a man that has asperger's, It's so new and need advice.

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I met a man from an online chatroom. An odd way, I thought to find Mr. Right,but I figured I'd pass my time somehow. I met him, and we seemed to "click" when we met, and kept dating. Though we are still together after a year and a half of dating, I found out like maybe a year into the relationship that he might have Asperger's Syndrome. At first with his telling me that he could have it, I was passive with it. I just figured if he had it, he would go to the doctors and get therapy and he'd be all fine. But this is taking up more time and energy than I think I can handle. He tells me he's gone to therapy, and that he will be joining a support group. But it has been so difficult. He has great qualities and tries very hard to make me happy. He seems so quiet sometimes, and uncomfortable. He paces back and forth and he'll walk way ahead of me if we're going out somewhere. That seems petty but to this day it still bothers me. He always looks like he's out of place. His behavior and awkwardness wasn't something I was looking forward to when I was looking for a man. But I just want to to be able to deal with this in a easier way. I want to know how I can be better to him instead of being so negative of how he acts. How can I just accept how he is and just be a better half for him?

Welkome to WP

Mick

Evenin',

That you took the time to join and post says a lot about you and your dedication to making this work. Good for you. Dating someone with Asperger's certainly has it's drawbacks, but it also has its perks. There are somethings that can't change (the autistic features, allergies, etc), somethings that might not change (e.g. the need for rigid routine, enjoying only certain foods), and somethings that can change (social anxiety, and how he interacts with you, for example). At some point both you and he will have to face this head on and decide what you and he are willing to do to make this work; you should remain open and honest, and not hide your attempts at making this work, nor make it a solo-venture.

I would suggest reading "22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome" - the author has written a couple of very good books, and lives with AS herself.

Remember that you've lasted this long because there's something that made it "worth it" for you, and hold on to that. All couples have issues, and both people have "quirks" they'd like to change about their partner. The key to getting past this "hump" in the relationship is learning to either accept the quirks as part of the person you fell in love with, or accepting that this just isn't for you. Identify what behaviors are the most antagonizing to you, and figure out why, and whether or not they're worth working through or working out. Then talk to him. Autistic people are blunt! It's okay to be blunt back! Have an honest conversation.

Two other things I'll leave you with; it's OK to say, "This isn't for me." Walking away doesn't make you a "bad person." It's appreciated more when you're honest and open and walk away - perhaps even salvage a friendship - than stay and be miserable and grow resentful. Lastly, don't let anyone tell you *you're* the only problem. Even autistic people like me need to be reminded of our oddness on occasion and re-adjust to new partners. I can't fix my sensitivity to light or sound, but I can ask you to help me pick something to wear before we go out together. Relationships are *always* partnerships, or they're just parasitic. Who wants to introduce their parasites to their parents?!

I hope this helps.

_Bloom

Have you tried telling him?

I've known I had Aspergers Syndrome for probably 6 or so years (maybe longer).. but only sought a diagnosis last year because of problems at work. I didn't see any advantage to obtaining an official diagnosis since it really didn't change anything. A blowup at work prompted me to get an official diagnosis so I could get people there to stop driving me crazy in inane meetings with no point and to force them to put things in writing that SHOULD have been in writing anyway.

If he is like me he needs time every week to recharge - alone; and may not know how to communicate that to you without hurting your feelings. Aspergers for me was incredibly lonely until I finally found someone that accepted me. He's probably afraid of screwing it up! Relationships can be incredibly draining for people with Aspergers; it is for me (I've been with my wife 18 years and it's still a struggle... but worth it). I bet if you ask him he'll say Yes that he needs 'me time' to recharge.

He looks out of place because he feels out of place. I didn't start to improve (and I still have a LOT to go) until I joined Toastmasters 8 years ago. I can act social when I have to (I just ask a lot of questions and pray they say something I can respond to ).
If you can help him in a non-condescending way do it.

As far as accepting him as he is; it starts with accepting yourself and ridding yourself of judgmental words that push him to silence (that happens to me). It is easy to send the "it's not safe to be yourself" signal to people like me. There is nothing wrong with being different; I challenge you to name ONE normal person that changed the world in any significant way For me when I don't feel safe anymore I clam up for quite awhile because I just don't know what to say. It only takes one backhanded comment insinuating that "I'm not normal" or that it's not ok to just be myself to put me into my shell almost 100%. I've worked hard to not withdraw completely.

I do the walking too fast thing too. My wife has to remind me to wait for her. Just watch the tone and the words you use - keep it friendly and loving and you'll be ok.

The fact you're here says a lot about you. Understanding that most of the annoying things he does are not intentional can help you accept him better and in time you may even help him smooth out the rough edges.

Good luck to you both!
JD

Welcome to WP!

Welcome.

I am an aspie, myself.

Here's some advice, I hope it helps:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Literally.

He wants to make you happy, but he may be clueless about what would make you happy. You have to tell him, instead of expecting him to "read between the lines" somehow. If that makes you feel that constantly telling him what to do would be boring for you and leave you without any pleasant surprises in you relationship, then try making lists. Write down options that he can choose from, for example:
- Five things that I would like for my birthday
- Three places I would like to go to next weekend
...and so on. Remember to tell him, that you don't want every single option, but he can choose one if he wants to please you by surprising you.

If you get many replies here, it might be a good idea to read them with him.

Good luck!

I don't think this is something you can change about yourself.

Disagree. Cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders in the willing. Understanding is the key, and as long as they BOTH work at it... it is possible.

One of the keys to this kind of thing, is communication... clear, concise and without accusation... Most of us (In my experience) will do anything to fit in... especially if involved romantically... and it only fails because the other, due to NT restrictions on commenting on behaviors that are considered rude (did you know it is rude to point out when someone is being rude?) is unable to advise their partner. If that can be overcome, most of us are capable of adaptation.

Well, maybe, if you really work at it. Or just accept that you can't accept everyone and find someone you can. Maybe I'm a romantic but I think acceptance (love) should be the reason you get into relationships, not something you have work at with people you can't really deal with.

Once the magical beginning is over where you're oblivious to the fact that they're not perfect every relationship requires work.

Acceptance isn't obliviousness. It's being a grownup. It's something you have to find in yourself before you deal with other people. Get help dealing with your parents or children or sickly spouse, people you may hate but can't walk away from, not for being nice to your boy/girlfriend. In my opinion.

OP, how is it 'so new' if you've been together for a year and a half?

I truly appreciate everyone's replies and support. It is truly needed. It has been extremely difficult for me to try and understand what he goes through. It is new to me because I am not used to being around someone who mumbles things, or someone who stares off into space when I'm with him. The routines and obsessive behavior isn't something I find easy to deal with. I try to talk to him, and tell him what I'd like him to change, but it becomes tiring to keep repeating myself. I'm hoping that some of your suggestions and help will give me insight into what I can do to improve our relationship.Although this may be different to me, I am trying as he is too, to make changes, and it makes a big difference with a little help from different sources and points of view.

Can I ask why his routines are a problem for you?

To WrongPlanet!! !