I'm Bec, 22, and I live in the UK.
I love to read, watch films, listen to music, and research things (usually online, or I'll pick up fact books)
Hmm, what can I say in relation to my reasons for joining this forum? Well, I'm currently unsure what's "wrong" with me. I hate using the word 'wrong', because my family don't see me that way, or tell me I must change, but I have been told by several doctors that I'm stubborn, spoilt, in need of guidance, and so on. It's got to the point where I can predict what they'll say to me. From a young age, I've been a 'picky eater'. I would snack on plain white bread a lot of the time, and right now, at 22, I still get frightened when I have to sit in a food court. The smells from the food disgust me, and I feel nauseated when I have to be around all of it. My diet consists of plain white bread (still, yes), toast (has to be lightly toasted with only butter), plain crackers, plain fries, plain popcorn, fruit (I just like grapes, apples, and bananas, though), and cereal. I do also like crisps (potato chips) sometimes, but I eat ready salted crisps only. People have complained to my mother about this and have told her that I'm out of control, and that she's a bad parent, and that really upsets and angers me. She tried her best to get me to eat other things, but I just refused. If she did not feed me, I'd go hungry, and would not give in. The texture and taste of certain foods really bother me. I had to see a psychologist about it when I was 13, but nothing really helped. She got me eating little pieces of ham, but I found it so difficult to eat, and after a while, I turned vegetarian completely, so I never tried it again. I hated how it felt in my mouth.
I have other sensory difficulties, too, though. Whenever I have to go for physical examinations at hospital, I panic. If someone even touches my arm, I jump. On a number of occasions, I've hit someone when they'll tickled me, because I've been so frightened. By hit, I mean, I've moved my arm out of shock and then I've realised a person has been behind me or something. Just a few weeks ago my cousin tickled my leg when she was next to me and I slapped her hand away because I was so freaked out. I felt awful, but I really did not want to react like that... I don't know why that happened, but it was almost like a reflex. I absolutely HATE being touched. I remember when I had to go for check-ups at 8, because my doctor believed that I had appendicitis. Those check-ups were awful, because I was fidgeting around and jumping everywhere, shouting out. The doctor thought I was in pain, but my mum had to explain how sensitive my skin was. He just assumed I was nervous after that. My ears are also very sensitive, and I can get very distressed over certain sounds. As for my eyes, well, I like bright lights. Not even sure if I have hypo-sensitivity there, because I can look through my drawers and not find a certain object for ages.
From this description so far, I guess I could be tested for SPD, but I do have other problems relating to AS, too. I have a lot of trouble with sarcasm, even with family members, and I sometimes think people are being rude when they're joking around with me, and 'teasing' me. I guess I have trouble understanding others at times. Sometimes, people will apparently make sarcastic comments "obvious" and easy to pick up on, but I will not pick up on it. I do, however, pick up on it at times and manage to understand some jokes. Maybe I've improved a little, but in primary school, and high school, I was very naive and gullible too. Children loved to play tricks on me. I didn't make friends until I was 13, but I found 2 girls in my new class (I was moved to a different class due to bullying) and they really cared for me. I am still friends with one of them now, and she is very open-minded and welcoming with similar interests to me. I find it weird how I've actually found friends, because I can be very distant at times, and I wait for others to approach me. I'm very introverted, so I love to spend time alone, but I still meet up with my friends to see films, watch movies at home together, go to museums, concerts, fun things that relate to our interests, I guess. I like it that way.
You've probably guessed I'm not great with relationships, too. I am terrible with affection, hate being hugged, and can't seem to express myself well. I'm still told I have a poker-face, and that I look like I need to cheer up. I hate how people tell me that, because sometimes I just feel people spend too much time observing how I appear, not what I say. I want them to concentrate on my words, but maybe in time they will. I don't know.
I'm sorry for writing so much, but once I start typing, it's almost hard to stop! I have so many things I'd like to mention, but I'm trying to keep it to a minimum (yeah... I'm that bad!) haha. But anyway, my doctor thinks that I should be referred to see a psychiatrist to see about diagnosis. Not sure if I'm just wasting anyone's time. Maybe it will help me calm down a little and answer some questions, though. I would like to find out, but I often wonder why people have not picked up on these things. Not sure if it's related here, but I had to go for 3 hearing tests when I was little because they believed I was at least partially deaf. As I mentioned before, I am very jumpy, even to small sounds, so I found it weird when my mother told me what happened there. I remember getting tested, and I remember hearing bleeps in the test, too, but I guess I did not respond. I'm not sure why, and I can't even think back much more to understand. They eventually told her that I was just ignoring them and being 'naughty', which is odd considering how quiet and well-behaved I was said to be. My teachers' only thought I was too quiet and had to be asked questions in class, because I would never contribute to class discussions. I also struggled in some areas (parts of reading into meaning of texts and gym) but I guess every kid can have their difficulties there.
Well, I guess I should stop talking (or typing) now, so there we go. Bye for now, everyone.
20 Mar 2012, 12:45 pm
sorry for the late response.
