Not sure where to start

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Hello "Everyone",

I'm really not sure where to start. I'm a little overwhelmed because I've never really used an internet forum; I only read things from them sometimes. I decided to try jumping in, though, and trying to get some conversation started.

I've just recently started reading about Asperger's/autism. My mom told me that I exhibited a lot of peculiar symptoms when I was a kid, but to her I was a perfect child so she didn't really see anything wrong. I also didn't talk about my frustrations, and some things I was completely oblivious about until I started getting older (my NT boyfriend of 5+ years [that I met online] keeps me in the loop about social rules now). My mom works with autistic children in Utah now and she wishes she had been able to recognize some signs when I was younger.

I've always been told that I am odd, eccentric, strange, or silly, and I have my little obsessions and sensory sensitivities and "stims". I was even working with a behavioral therapist right before I moved out-of-state that was going to look into some kind of high-functioning autism, but I didn't think getting diagnosed was that important so when I moved out-of-state I just started focusing on my anxiety and depression. It's been a few years since then.

My current main "obsession" IS autism. As I started reading about it about a month ago I realized that an Asperger's brain describes me very well, cognitively speaking. Now I'm soaking up all sorts of information on it because I'm realizing what impact this cognitive difference has been having on me socially, emotionally, physically... I feel that everything is all making sense now. It's a lot to process and I'm still not sure how to take it.

I'm also not sure where to go with the diagnosis. I didn't even know if it mattered if I got an official diagnosis or not. I spoke to my psychiatrist today and she said she didn't think I had it but she also spewed a lot of stereotypical "facts" on autism symptoms and since I didn't have those symptoms (such as not being a boy...) it doesn't sound like Asperger's to her. I don't communicate well when I get upset or flustered, and I couldn't go through my reasons and personal examples to prove myself to her, but she encouraged me to get a second opinion. It's too much money to go out-of-network, although I would love to talk to someone who is familiar with Asperger's (she said she is not).

It seems that because I've learned to overcome so many social difficulties (which I most certainly have and still have to deal with some of them daily) I'm getting ignored. The reason that I'm so interested in Autism is that I finally understand how to explain myself, yet I don't feel that I'm getting a chance to try.

I did a lot of rambling just now, but it made me feel better to get this out in the open, even though I don't know anyone online here. I hope that I'll eventually know people. I really need to connect with someone.

hi,

i'm an older adult and undiagnosed. i know i have aspergers. i don't really want most other people to know. i've slowly learned a lot of social skills, lately even some small talk. it is work to behave socially. it just explains a lot to me to have found out about aspergers.

Welcome, Senath! You're among friends here. What you described in your opening letter is a common issue here - what is Asperger's? There's the textbook definition which, when you don't fit it, people claim you don't have it. Not everyone talks and talks and talks about thèir special interest to others without taking a breath. Not everyone stims by banging their head with their hands. Not everyone is as bright as Spock or Einstein. Some make eye contact, some don't. And then there's that controversial bit about empathy, that is, we don't have any. Nothing can be further from the truth. Some might cry like babies at a funeral, some won't. Some might laugh hysterically and some might not get it. WP is a good positive forum to be on. I hope you stick around and share your stories because that's how we gain strength - from each other.

Hear, hear

Welcome to wrongplanet. I have aspergers, but not the 'textbook definition' because I'm not ridiculously clever, or have strong special interests which lasts a long time. If I ever meet someone new, I tend to leave my DX out of the discussion, unless they directly question me that they think I have issues, or whatever. I was diagnosed around 10, so relatively late for some, yet very early to others. I've never seen any reason to go around with a t shirt or something announcing that I'm not NT, because in my experience (not all NTs, I'm sure) they tend to stereotype, and dismiss or irritate you.

Also, when looking for a job, although they shouldn't take exception, I think they probably would. After all, 2 girls with similar qualifications go to a job interview-the one who hasn't announced she is a bit different probably isn't going to be picked...

A DX basically let's you understand who you are, written in paper. It also gives you a reason that you were like an alien as a child, and seem to have to learn the customs that everyone else picks up, but in my case, it certainaly wasn't life changing. All it meant was I googled a bit, and joined this forum a few years later. They didn't help with anything after they tagged me aspie, I just knew I was. Maybe that's just my psychiatrist, but I think a diagnosis is a personal decision, and it doesn't really affect you all that much.

Anyway, welcome, good luck sorting everything out and welcome to the forums gosh, I've gone on a bit. This might be my longest ever post

Hi Senath,

If you feel that being diagnosed would help you to understand yourself and discover your identity, I'd suggest taking your psychiatrist's advice and seeking out someone who is highly qualified and has extensive experience with AS.

Know, however, that many of the members here are self-diagnosed, and all are welcome.

Thanks to each of you. All of your responses make me feel more at ease. I had told the psychiatrist that I felt fraudulent going online and blabbing about how I have Asperger's without getting a proper diagnosis first, but I know that there are a lot of doctors out there that really just don't understand the core of the difference, so it's probably not going to be very easy to get a diagnosis. The only person with autism experience through my insurance is a pediatric psychologist.

Haha, the comment about crying at a funeral is funny to me; when my grandma died when I was a teenager I didn't shed one tear and that bothered me. However, when I was a child every now and then I would send up sobbing violently for hours, not knowing how to explain myself but feeling so alone and lost and frustrated. Sometimes my mom would come in and sit with me and ask what was wrong, but I didn't know how to answer so I didn't say anything. I wanted to please everyone but didn't know how to do it. I used to ask "What do you want me to say?" a lot. I'm a bit bothered that my parents never saw that I was troubled, but I did act a lot differently at home than at school or anywhere else.

When I first came to this website I was afraid that the posts were all going to be outdated and the site wasn't currently in use, so I'm really glad that so many people are here sharing experiences. I think that maybe just conversing with people who think similarly to me will help me to not feel so alienated from the world. See you around!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick