new member. Just trying to find answers and how to be normal

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I am not a diagnosed aspie. I only looked into this for my son who is not like other children. I just want to help him thrive.

In my searching I took an assessment for myself since one of my sisters had autism and another severe dyslexia. I have always been an odd duck. I do not know if I have AS and I think I would prefer not to at this point. I am in a spot where I cannot seem to will away certain problems at this point.

Brief history: my parents came from abusive homes and did their best to overcome that, and they did for the most part. They had six kids. I am number five, and the one they could not understand or forcefully make normal. after years of rejection, by both parents and all my siblings, I left home in the dead of night on a bike with a backpack at 19.
I came away from that place seriously messed up and have been trying to recover with my husbands support. I have been confronting the views that no one can ever love or like me and will always leave when I am no longer useful, and to even have a chance at having a relationship I must be a doormat.
Honestly, I do not feel like I know myself anymore. I cannot seem to shake the distrust of my own instincts and abilities ingrained at home, especially when it comes to knowing what I am feeling and my intentions. This has left me very unsettled. I would go to a psychologist, but I have no money.

Honestly I am on the verge of tears right now because I just want to be normal. I want to be able to interact with others normally. I want to be able to read my husband accurately. I am tired of causing problems now just like I was at 6 living at home, but seem unable to stop no matter how hard I try.

What is wrong with me!?

Sorry to burden you all with this. I am just at my wits-end right now.

Welcome, Writer Mom. What is normal? Compared to me, I'd say you're closer to normal. You have a husband and child. That's good. You have people to go to the movies and parks and restaurants and fishing and stadiums and concerts with. No? If so, then you stand a good chance of enjoying life to te fullest. I'm practically a shut-in, a loner who only goes out to the supermarket every so often. Seems like you might have a good thing going unless there's a lot you left out of your letter. Good luck.

I have problems conveying feelings and affection. It is hard to play with my son and do other things normal people can (socializing and feel comfortable). Lately my mind has been shutting down on me making it almost impossible to communicate with my husband in times of disagreement. I hate it. I hate feeling unheard and stuck unable to fix the problem.

I've often thought that if that legendary normal person actually exists, and if I met them, I'd probably not like them very much.

Enough (I've been there believe me, am still there to a large degree) - enough trying to be normal! It doesn't work.

Be yourself. Of course this means first figuring out who myself is....

Welcome.
It does take some time for some people with AS to develop feelings and affection, some not as much.
Even I know some of these people that are "the norm" and to be blunt I don't think everyone does learn as much about feelings and affection as they should.
Just my two pence/cents but I wouldn't worry about how you develop with AS since we all differ in our own ways as individuals.
I'm 21 and I don't think I should be knowing this, haha.

There is no cure for those on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum. However, there are treatments and coping methods. If you can't afford professional help, check to see if you qualify for Medicaid. Then you can go to a local government mental health clinic. When I was trying to qualify for both cash assistance and Medicaid, the state welfare office gave me a one time use Medicaid voucher, so I could get that first medical visit. That way a doctor could then diagnose me for something that would qualify for Medicaid. I had a number of untreated health issues at the time, but the welfare office said my depression would be the one that would most likely qualify me, even though my other problems were worse. Once I had the one time use Medicaid voucher, I went to the local government mental health clinic for a while. That first visit did help me get qualified for Medicaid, so I was able to get my more serious medical stuff taken care of.

So, check with the local welfare office, and tell them about your depression, and that you think you may be on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum. Good luck.

I suppose you are right. I have been married for 7 years now, and we are just now this year getting closer....or at least I am through a lot of effort. I have kept both my boys at a distance subconsciously until I got the courage at the start of this year to step outside of my safe box and let some one in despite the risk of being rejected again just for being me.

When it comes to my son, I just want him to thrive and find out what I can do to help him.

I miss-read my husband all the time and assume he is upset just because he isn't smiling. I guess this is a remaining survival mechanism from my home life. I am afraid that if I am not vigilant I'll end up alone....even though my husband swears it won't happen.

Welkome to WP

Mick

Hi there. I am going to say some things that I hope will help. First, remember to use the Grain of Salt philosophy w/me. Second quick BG, I am in my later 30's, am Male and was only diagnosed w/Asperger's last September (right after my BD). I had to figure out what "was wrong with me" myself and then had it confirmed once the "specialists" knew what they were looking for. Being older, Asperger's is much harder to diagnose as many times adults have had to cope and deal for so long that mechanisims for doing so have developed on their own. I had an 11 year relations hip and ended up with a son who is VERY similiar to me. I have been split from my ex for over two years. She absolutely refuses to accept that I have Asperger's! It seems much easier for her to just think of me as a mean, spitful, hateful, villian so that she can justify her decissions.

7 years is normally when marriages start to ware. First I would say get help! Ppl avoid this at all costs, whcih makes absolutely no sense to me. I begged my wife for years to get counciling with me and to work on things. She absolutely refused. I can tell you from personal experience that while you may have your own individual issues, marriage is a relationship/partnership envolving TWO people! I guarantee you are not the only one between you and your husband at fault or out of sorts.

The saddly ironic thing with my marriage was that even though I was the one with Asperger's my Ex was the one who didn't know how to love and to let people share in the decissions and life. So the short story is that every one has there issues and there is no such thing as NORMAL, just MORE ACCEPTIBLE. You obviously feel. We all do. I can't stress enough that the best thing to do is to understand your self as well as possible so that you know how to better reach out and show your feelings and who you are. If you need help to do that, then find it. Also talkl to your husband, chances are he is dealing with his own things on top of whatever else the two of you deal with. If he really loves you and is invested in your union he will do what he can to work with you.

Best of luck!