Learning about Aspergers later in life

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I'm nearly 50 and only recently discovered that there is a name for what I am. It has been a mixed bag emotionally for me. On one hand, there is a relief that I know that this is in my hard-wiring, and on the other hand, there is a bit of grief that the myth that if I tried just a bit harder and found just the right way to cope that I could make the problem areas suddenly go away.

I think the relief is winning. I read Aspergirls this week, and it has so much that is so me that it has been difficult and wonderful both.

I also read the 22 things book I got for my husband. It hit me so hard that I journalled pages and pages on every chapter. I never knew that so much that is me is also aspergers. I'm not just weird, I am weird with a name for it!

My husband and I found each other later in life and we are both, ah, different. Even more than myself, what I read about Aspergers is HIM. No wonder we work so well as a couple. Even the aspects of aspergers that are more difficult for me, or what parts are more difficult for him are balanced. His experiences in childhood are classic aspergers struggles. Mine less so because I was surrounded by people who made sure I was not bullied. My mother made sure I faked normal at all times in public and as much as possible every waking moment. I always thought her insistence of perfection and her insistence that my sensitivities be suppressed and suffered was the cause of my anxieties. now I know that my anxieties are just part of aspergers and that it isn't a moral failing that I am sound sensitive and touch sensitive.

It is wonderful that I can give myself permission to get rid of fabrics that feel bad, refuse to eat foods with textures I hate, and wear sound blocking ear muffs to block out noises that make me feel crazy.

I'm hoping to meet others who grew up without diagnosis because there simply WAS no diagnosis for what we were dealing with every day. People who, like me, were told that being really smart meant we should be able to be normal. Persons who suffered family members being cruel when you melted down over sounds that hurt; I had Siblings who loved to torment me with sound, and no matter how hard I tried NOT to respond, to ignore it as I was told to do, I would always eventually melt down and be derided for the meltdown. Then there were the light finger strokes-- they hurt, they were horrid, and my parents were always angry at me for complaining that my sibling was touching me. I spent years ashamed that I could not just ignore it and "act like a duck" and let it just slide off my back and magically have the sounds and touches cease to bother me. Only I couldn't make it go away. It always hurt, always bothered me, and even as an adult, it was still a problem.

I can't be the only one.

Anyone?

Nope-you're not alone-far from it. There's a whole generation of people coming to the same realization-for the same reason-autism was not on the map when we grew up.

I actually have both situations here. I was diagnosed with PDD-with classic autistic traits at the age of 8-9 years old (back in the 80's) For a while they thought I had childhood onset schizophrenia, a copper disease, or a progressive brain disease for which I had to spinal tap at the age of 8 to detrmine that I did not have it (the most painful and helpless experience of my life, medical torture).
Well then after my diagnosis on the spectrum, I got some early introvention long before it was known to do that because mom took me to one of the pioneers of autism science...he attended my IEP's and forced the school to cooperate..he did this out of the goodness of his heart, he charged nothing for this.
After many sucesses and epic setbacks, I graduated high school and attended college (no degree yet, still working on that) No one thought this was possible for me as a child. My mom was told by a doctor that I would not be able to function outside of an institution. She moved heaven and earth to keep that from happening. Only one detail she left out....she neglected to tell me of my diagnosis. So I grew up thinking something was horribly wrong with me cuz I was getting all this special attention, in doctors offices, hospitals seeing specialists all the time...something must be very wrong with me. I was picked on in school till I got pissed off at life, dressed goth made mental warfare my tool to torment my oppressors. Once the bullying stopped, I went back to my usual quirky but cheerful self.
However this feeling of something being truly wrong with me haunted me to the point I thought I was latently evil or something.
Then when I was in my late 20's I saw Temple Grandin on 60 min. and was like Holy Crap....she just described me in a nutshell. She was talking about her two worlds....her inner world and the outer world and she has to fight daily to stay in the outer world and not get sucked into her inner world. At that moment, I knew I was not alone. The more I read, the more I learned who I am. Then I gathered my evidence and told my mom. She said I knew that you are autistic. I didnt want to tell you cuz I didnt want you to label yourself and she told me of my diagnosis when I was 8-9. I was kinda mad about that, but in a way I am glad I discovered it when I did. If I learned it earlier before the neurodiversity movement, I would have been horrified because all that was known at the time was those with M.R. and Low functioning Autism (LFA) and it would have really damaged my self concept.
Anyway ...its late I gotta get to bed.
Welcome to WP!

Btw...I am Jojo. I usually hang out in News and current events PM me if you would like to talk.

Jojo

Hi Kas

I found this very helpful post dx.

http://aspergeradults.ca/asgriefstorm.html

I was dx in my 40's and experienced much
elation and deep sadness.

Wishing you well from London.

I was 56 when I was diagnosed with AS. I had only started suspecting it less than two years before that. But it explains so many things!

I really do understand what you mean by "if I tried just a bit harder and found just the right way to cope that I could make the problem areas suddenly go away." I used to wonder when I would suddenly become mature and socially confident and neurotypical like everyone else ... and it never happened, no matter what I did.

Like you, I grew up in the era when there was no AS diagnosis, and autism was a rare, severely disabling condition that "had nothing to do with me" - or so I thought. I struggled emotionally through the teens and early twenties, until I was very very fortunate to fall in with a rehabilitative community (vaguely like Salvation Army), where I was able to live in a structured environment for several years, and even go through an intensive live-in program where I got support, social skills training, and gradually felt (slightly) stronger than my problems. From there I was able to go on to a career and marriage (and parenthood), but I was also nursing hidden sensory sensitivities, among various other issues. I suspect that a lot of what you got from your parents, I didn't get until my twenties - and from other people than my family.

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago, and still see a psychologist, which (once I got over the weirdness I felt about that) has really been great. I do think all the prejudice about conditions like AS and about seeing a psychologist is very unfortunate. I am glad I was diagnosed, and glad I am seeing a psychologist about it.

I suspect that there are lots of undiagnosed and late-diagnosed Aspies out there - some still struggling or floundering, some who have gradually worked out their coping mechanisms.

Well I'm in my forties and only recently heard about AS, and went through the 'eureka' moment of realising lots of aspie traits and 'oh that explains so much about my past and present life...' etc...

Oh yes! That as well.

What I find really annoying though is it seems you're looking for resources & pages on the internet, there is so little about *adult* aspies that you would think it is only a condition that is prevalent in children.
The Internet seems like this to me ... "My aspie child this...", "my aspie child that..." , even when you put "adult" in the search keywords.

So what happens when those aspie children become adults? Do they miraculously disappear from the planet? Maybe "WrongPlanet" is the place to come indeed.

I grew up in a tiny town where my family had lived since before there was a town there. It was expected that persons in my family would be eccentric and a bit different. This meant that people expected some oddness. My mom is very socially aware and could not handle any behavior from a child that was not perfect, so I learned to freeze rather than meltdown. I still get very quiet in social situations if I feel a bit stressed. The fact that I was taught perfect manners and to sit neat and tidy, hands folded in my lap, good posture, and no movement helped a lot.

I made myself random rules for making friends. Things like, ask a person I have met to meet for coffee and chat. If it does not work out when two efforts are made, the person is not interested or too busy to add another friend. If I meet them for coffee and enjoy the conversation, then I will ask again, if they say no twice, then they did not enjoy the visit over coffee and I let that one go too. It has worked mostly.

I joined a group. Nobody in the group knows I'm AS. I have little rules, like setting my phone alarm so I leave early enough that I don't get tired and regret not leaving earlier. That works out pretty well. The people are nice and know that I am an early bird who leaves early but loves the meetings. After being in the group for months, I am considering setting my alarm for evening activities 30 minutes later and see how it goes. I would rather leave a bit early than end up with an awkwardness. I'm considering telling one person in the group. I've hung out with the group enough to recognize that she can be trusted with the information. I see her being especially good with the other oddballs who have gravitated to it. It is so nice to be part of something where you share an interest and being a geek is expected and approved. (anybody else here like Society for Creative Anachronism because it gives you a social outlet for being nutty over a single period or aspect of history?)

Does anyone else just tell people you are an extreme introvert and an early riser to explain their behavior?

Welkome to WP

Mick