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My name is Sarah, I'm 24 and I'm totally new, to everything - this forum, autism/Aspergers... everything. I am not autistic, but someone very close to me is.

I joined today because my friend/love interest was diagnosed as a child (he's 31 now), and I am trying to understand this part of him better. He is my friend first and foremost, but my romantic feelings for him are pretty intense and came over me pretty quickly. He knows and is trying to open up to me, but as you can imagine he is having a bit of a rough time with it just because it is hard for him to connect so deeply to another person and he is used to being alone & misunderstood.

I'm very patient with him and sensitive to his feelings, but I feel like I should/could be doing more, or maybe doing less - I don't know! I have never had such a close relationship with someone on the spectrum before, so I'm in uncharted waters here. I'm hopeful that by joining this community & reaching out to you guys, I can gain more insight and understanding which will, in turn, help me be a better friend/partner to him.

Thanks for reading!

Hello SluvsK. Welcome to WP.

One thing I would recommend is to try not to be either a) too accommodating (i.e. treating plain unpleasant behaviour as part of his autism) and b) treat him as simply a collection of symptoms. I know that the second one might well not apply to you but I've had people treat me like that before and it gets on my wick after a time.

I'm elated that you want to learn more about him though and his condition - kudos, and if only more lassies were this understanding!

Thank you so much for the welcome and the advice, Tequila. I appreciate any and all advice! Anyone that's reading, please feel free to give me any tips or relate any information that you feel might be helpful.

I realize that he's a human being, first and foremost, and not just a diagnosis, but he is unlike any other person that I've ever known. I feel that the better I understand his condition, the better I can understand his quirks & the things that he can't explain to me very well (though he does try).

Welcome!

I thought for one moment you were going to call my post "constructive".



Have you known other people with autism/Asperger's? Just as a matter of interest.



It's probably worth mentioning that different autistic people can respond to things in different ways. So why you might get a decent enough understanding of the condition, it's how he himself responds to things that is important. Some autistics cannot tolerate loud noise and completely freak out, some can if they can control the loud noise whereas yet others go to rock concerts! That's just one example.

Would you like to elaborate a little more on your boyfriend? Have you asked him if he would like to become a member here? In large part, we're a forum for people with Asperger's/autism rather than 'parents of' people who have the condition, though there is that element here (and very welcome it is too)!

Just some thoughts.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

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Last edited by SluvsK on 23 May 2012, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'll answer this tomorrow if that's OK Sarah, as it's nearly 5am here in the UK and I need some shuteye.

Sure, any time!

No problem; no problem at all.



Understood.



Also understood. And, of course, although we have autism, we're all very different people in many other respects. There's no reason to believe that two people with autism will necessarily get on a great



Are you able to keep up with him?



Wow, an intelligent chap for sure! Far, far more learned than I shall ever be.



That's probably because he doesn't know how to open up to people and he feels that the outside world may well scorn/reject/laugh at him. You probably already knew that anyway though.



I take it you tend to go for guys like this anyway?



Lucky, lucky bastard!

(Sorry, had a flash of envy and jealousy there. Sorry.)



As you get to know him - and each other - better, that might be something you want to talk about with him so that you both might feel comfortable?

How long have you known/been boyfriend and girlfriend for?



I know this might not be an exact science, but have you/has he thought of perhaps getting some cordless headphones for him to stick over his ears whilst he eats? That way you can get a bit of peace whilst you eat and not have the telly blaring out too loud. Of course, you won't be able to talk much but this doesn't sound a lot different from now anyway.

Can you talk at mealtimes if he has the telly/stereo on very loud? The reason I ask this is that I simply wouldn't be able to process people in the room speaking over the din of the TV set. I say this because it's very difficult for me to be able to hear other people in the room even when the TV volume is fairly moderate.



I'm fairly sure he'd find me unbearable then. (I am a very noisy eater!)



That may or may not be a sensory issue. Have you talked about it?



As I hope he is with you.



If he gets insecure about it, perhaps you might give him examples of how being with him is better or superior for you than a more 'normal' kind of romantic relationship, and how you prefer it?
Just a few thoughts.



Brilliant!

Welkome to WP

Mick

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Last edited by SluvsK on 23 May 2012, 5:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'll answer this but, again, this will have to wait until later today (tomorrow for you). Sorry about that.

Oh sure, I completely understand!

...deal more than people who don't have AS.

Sorry, missed off the end of the sentence there. My apologies.



Good luck!



First of all - you definitely don't seem like a "dunce" in any way and secondly, I've sometimes been told this. My response is generally that while I might be slightly more intelligent than the majority, I'm quite thick compared to many, many people and I almost utterly lack basic self-help skills. My social interaction skills are probably not as undeveloped as his are but then there are other things that balance that out, too. There's an answer to everything. One way of seeing it is that for every thing that balances, there is something that counter-balances it out again.



Good for him! Not all of us can manage this.



He sounds lovely. I wouldn't be surprised if he got a lot of female interest if he was an instructor in something that women need help with. Not trying to make you jealous, but he sounds very tender and patient. A lot of women like that and find it reassuring in my experience.



I take it that you don't live together then? It should be blindingly obvious.

While I'm on the subject, how did he understand that you were definitely interested in him? Did you have to say something outright or did he get the message without you having to literally say it in no uncertain terms?



You sound quite, quite smitten - your love for him drips from every word.



Thank you.

And now I've just spilt Tizer all over my desk by filling the glass too full! Marvellous (!)



Has he not developed the social skills that would make it easier to identify when people are taking advantage of him, and therefore will make being taken advantage of/abused easier to detect? Also, what is his relationship with friends/family like? If he has a good relationship with them it can be a lot more difficult for an abusive person to simply take over in that way.



And what about you?

Why would people reject and tease him? Are you referring to other women here?



No problem.



I hope that won't be too long for you!



Perhaps he wouldn't be entirely opposed to a relationship along those lines - i.e. not a mother/son relationship, but one where you look after him and he looks after your needs too?



If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet and how did this romance part of your relationship develop? I'm sorry if I'm coming across as somewhat nosy here.



It will be lovely to read about it blossoming.



Good for you.



I hope that there is an element of reciprocality on his part though - I'm sure you (and I hope he) understands that a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Sorry for being a wet tea-towel, but I thought that it was worth mentioning.



What do you enjoy doing? Sounds like there may be a fair dose of social anxiety on his part as well - has he thought of looking at places like the Social Anxiety Forum (http://www.socialanxietysupport.com)? Though I would urge a slight note of caution as places like that (and WP as well to a lesser extent) are best enjoyed in smallish doses, as otherwise they can do more harm than good in some ways.



To be honest, you don't need to go 'all or nothing' even with what you term 'real' dates. There are plenty of ways of having dates out of doors that don't have to involve the more conventional places like pubs or nightclubs (which I'd strongly advise avoiding anyway). You can go places like a local park, or just a walk around town somewhere. Does he have any outdoors interests of his own that you could perhaps relate to/participate in?



Lucky b-- sorry, where was I again?



No problem. I specifically said cordless due to the fact that it would make it easier for him to eat and he wouldn't have wires that would get in the way.

I suspect that the clacking of cutlery may be magnified. He must have absolute fits when people put dishes into cupboards! That's my bugbear - it's so loud and sounds like it's being smashed into one another - aaarrgggghh!

If ever you want to hear what it feels like for someone who can't filter noise out, go into a noisy café with a tape recorder/video camera and record the visit. That's what it feels like for people like myself, essentially.



Understood.



Yes, but he'd still find me unbearable at the dinner table. Even my family find me unbearable because I chomp through my food so loudly.



OK, I understand. It might be worth getting his thoughts on it. The more you know, the less alienated you'll feel.



I recognise the feeling of what he means - it can feel like you're trapped, in a corner, with nowhere to go. Though this is worse for me with people who I do not want touching me.



I get it.



I hope he does a bit of give and take though - if I were him, you'd be begging for me to release you!



That's wonderful of you to say that about someone, about anyone.



I'm sure it is, and I'm sure it's not easy. It's daunting for anyone I think, but for someone like him especially so. I'm sure that he finds it a pleasurable experience though.



Good for you.

(resists temptation to remember that Erica Jong quote about jealousy, because it doesn't apply here)



I think that might make him feel more secure. I hope that, for his part, he also says how much he deeply desires you being with him.



Sounds like a good idea.



You go, girl!



If I were him, that's what I'd be thinking - that I'm "too complicated" or a "hassle" or "not good enough". Try to move to quash those feelings stone dead and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

I've not read a response so eloquently passionate about another person for some time. I hope you both go far.

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Last edited by SluvsK on 23 May 2012, 5:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.