Hey all. First time posting on the forum.
I've definitely always felt like I was 'off' in some way, and I've spent a good chunk of my life trying to figure out why. I've thought I might have had Asperger's before--I did the online AQ test and scored a 43, which, according to the score guide "indicate significant Autistic traits." However, I don't appear to be all that odd to people. I even seem normal, if a bit quiet or aloof, most of the time. I survived public school and have managed to hold down a job for the past five years (in emergency dispatch and communication, nonetheless).
However, I've always felt very awkward (if not downright terrified) in most social situations, especially if I don't know someone well. Many times I've inadvertently offended someone by something I've said or done, and I had no clue what exactly it was I said or did that offended them. I tend to take what people say literally and oftentimes don't quite understand what they're really trying to tell me. I survived school and the workplace by staying quiet and observing my classmates and coworkers until I learned enough to mimic their mannerisms to the point where I seem to belong--the common conclusion is that it just takes me a while to come out of my shell. At least, until I inevitably say something inappropriate without knowing it and they realize that yes, I am a little off somewhere.
Because my sensory issues aren't too extreme (they're there, but not to the point that it's noticeable to others) and I -am- able to function in the "real world," I've felt that I couldn't be autistic. I do have many classic traits--difficulty looking people in the eye, getting lost in my own inner world, hyperlexia, etc. There were other traits, though, where I thought I didn't quite fit. For example, I wouldn't say I lack empathy toward others. I can definitely sense what people are feeling, just not what they're thinking. I can even sense when I've offended someone, I'm just not sure what exactly it was I did. The other night, however, I found articles detailing the differences in how men and women react to Asperger's. The traits in women fit me to a T.
So here I am, a self-diagnosed Aspie. It's a relief to know that there -is- in fact a reason I've always felt different, even if I can't quite explain it to others. What I'm craving right now is a place of understanding, especially since even if I was professionally diagnosed and told people I had Asperger's, most would likely not believe me since for the most part I -appear- to be normal. Trying to be normal and fit in this world is exhausting, though. I need a place where I can just be myself.
16 Jul 2012, 10:50 am
Welcome!
