[AS/ADHD]
I hope people will be able to relate to this in some way or another. I know I am not a conventional Aspie but who is.. I have been clean for a long while. I just want to be honest so this is valuable and helpful.
I am going to explain how I make friends. I have had to start again a few times when moving etc so I will describe each time I have entered a new scenario and how I achieved it.
Background story (this might help you to understand where I am coming from) I moved from one middle/intermediate school when I was 12 after being one of the most unpopular kids in the school and even being picked on by a few of my teachers.
Basically, I went in ready to defend myself, I wasn't going to be bullied and I was going to start playing football more aggressively (at my other school I was reasonably skilled but no one would ever pass to me). I did quite well at football, because people passed to me and I was being friendly with people in my class and flirting with the girls. It was a fresh slate for me after being at the other school with the same people for 8 long years so I reinvented myself! I ended up getting in fist fights almost every day because I would NOT allow any one to put me down. This got me respect and I discovered that fighting was not really that painful or scary and could be quite exciting. But this was just kids stuff, punches to the face but nothing too dangerous.
From there I went to high school and people from both middle schools that I attended both went to the same high school. I was reunited with some of the kids from the old and new and I was kind of in the thick of it because I was making introductions. High School in many ways was much more mature and it was easier to be kind of anonymous and still have a few friends. At this point I still did not have any really great friends. Maybe 1 or 2 that I could count on but I was atleast semi-respected.. Things were still extremely hard!! !! !! !! !! !
I Moved to the countryside to live with my dad, I had started skipping school. I hated it there so bad. (I had been living in the city before in London). I started with a new persona, trying to emulate what I did before I decided to do it even more extremely. I was generally very aggressive and this time it totally backfired I was lone in a strange place with no friends at all. Just my biological Dad who I discovered was quite mad and his weird drug friends and his girlfriend. Things looked bleak. One day, there was an altercation with some kid and I was fighting him. I was punching him in the face and hitting him and he was trying to do these sort of lame kicks, he kept advancing towards me though undeterred with almost the entire school behind him. They were literally a mob coming towards me.. I was backing off and fighting. None of them hit me but they just all pushed forward. It was like something out of a movie. I only had to finish up the term at this middle school (they went to high school a year later in the country) then I went to my next high school.
All the same people from the last place were at the new highschool but there were many others as well. One day I was on the bus and some older kids invited me to sit with them at the back. To cut a long story short. They adopted me into their friend group so that they could have someone to bully and humiliate every day. They tortured me every day for about 6-8 months but it seems like longer. It was one of the worst times of my life. Every day I would get beaten and humiliated. It was terrible. Absolute hell (I was 13). They literally forced me to smoke cigarettes until I was addicted. They did so many things...
My first real friends!!
One day I was hanging out with the bullies (my so called "friends") I had all ready got forced to smoke weed a few times and I did not like it because they made me smoke so many pipes and bongs and buckets that it ripped my throat.. I kind of liked the effect though when the pain had worn off.. I happened to have some money so one of them took me to meet the older-older kids who would have been 15-16. I had never been allowed to go to the caravan before but it was a place in the village where a few of the youngsters would go to smoke weed and stuff.... I got stoned with these older guys and they were really nice to me. I was so relieved and happy that some one was finally treating me nicely that the next day I bought a 5 pound bit of cannabis resin and went back.. I got stoned with the guy who owned the caravan and he the same thing happend. They were nice to me and I had a good time. The bullies never went there because they were more into drinking and they were not really welcome I dont think. I'm not sure why. I started going to the caravan every night, getting stoned with the guys that went there and they were always caring and friendly. I still keep track with a few of them now 15 years later via facebook but they are in England and I am now In New Zealand.
I was getting sick at my dads house, he was not equipped to look after me at all and I was a problem.. I started experimenting with Acid and Speed, Ecstasy and Valium and a lot of Weed. I was not eating and starving to death. I had severe depression, school was going badly and I was in constant fear. Living like a fugitive. I went back to my mums and joined a new school.
How I became the popular kid!! !
Day one, lesson one. 15 mins in to the lesson. Guy comes up to me and introduces himself. We shake hands I say the smartest 7 words I have ever said in my life: "So who gets the weed around here" he decided to make me his new best friend pretty much on the spot I think. He was the one that got the weed plus he lived right next door to me at my new house that my mum had moved to. His best friend had moved away so the position was vacant. It was a lucky break for sure. He was one of the most popular kids in school and one of the toughest so I was instantly ingratiated into the popular kids circle and that made everyone respect me. I just showed up and got instant respect and even the girls were all over me. Knocking on my door and stuff! It was a good time in my life! I even started doing well at my school and it looked like I would pass my grades/5th form/year 11 after all ( I was 15 at the time). One day I had a massive argument with my mum and got sent back to my dads and it was all ruined.
I briefly attended a uni course studying Media and was totally rejected. I was 18 and they were all 16 fresh from school. Total outcast. they made me miserable so I quit.
When I got to New Zealand at age 19. I quickly found that I was too aggressive, I could not study or work because of visas for 4 months so i took up Karate and Taekwondo and went to the local bars.. I found it hard to meet any one but i made a couple of friends who I dont see any more (not the greatest). I was very lonely and even though I found girlfriends I got depressed.
The turning point for me!! !
I joined Audio engineering school and instantly made a bunch of friends, at the same time i moved into the city and started flatting with a bunch of girls. So during the day i was at class socializing and only paying attention during lectures and in the evening i was sleeping with my flatmates friends and drinking, working on music and messing around. I made so many friends that year, 2004.. Through those people i met more people. People that smoke weed are really friendly and accepting but you have to really avoid all the other drugs.
I started getting a lot of gigs from my new contacts and met lots of people there and then I started organizing gigs and meeting people there. I had to book talent so you get to know all these djs and mcs and musicians and of course you need designers and sound and lighting. In the last 8 years I have made 95% of my friends.
I would not wish my upbringing on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It had many good times as well as bad. but it was extremely difficult for me. I am surprised I made it to this point. Now I am Aspie and proud and looking forward to the future.
I still find making friends hard but with a bit of alcohol or a common purpose and similar interests it will happen by its self. 1st rule is so important! DONT OVER THINK IT!! !!
15 Jul 2012, 5:15 pm
Welcome! Very brave to be so honest!
