Hey everyone, New here! Kinda funny, I just kinda accidentally stumbled into the place doing some research for something I'm writing. I wanted to write something with a main character who had hyperarousal and it turned out as I read more about AS that it describes me to a T!
I took the online test here and scored a 163/200 Aspie and 38/200 NT.
My entire 40 years I thought I was an alien from another planet or another species altogether. As a small child (4 or 5) I would read encyclopedias and listen to Tchaikovsky on my record player. I studied astronomy and dinosaurs like crazy. I remember walking through the supermarket with my mom once, and I pointed out a chicken foot in the butcher case and said, "Look mommy, that chicken foot looks just like a dinosaur foot! I bet chickens used to be dinosaurs". Of course many years later scientists agreed with my then silly notion, but that is another story. Anyways...
I was always a little runt in school and I was weird, so I got bullied a great deal. People would tell me I said something rude when I thought I was making an astute observation. I have trouble using exactly the right words to get my meaning across unless I have time to think about what I'm going to say or write it down.
I always hated going to public places like the mall or any place where large crowds gathered, and certain kinds of loud noises really bother me, but I've managed to keep myself sane long enough to go see a concert. Being a musician helps quite a bit I think. For one, it made me get used to loud noises (as long as they were musical in nature ), and secondly once people heard me play guitar they wanted me to be in a band, and even though playing in front of the crowds was murder at first I just focused on playing the music and got through it without melting down. I still feel everything roiling around inside me like I'm going to freak out, but I can manage so long as I'm separate from the audience and don't have to look at them too much.
My vocalizations feel strange to me, sometimes I'm aware that I had just used a strange way to say something, or an odd accent when I didn't intend to do so. I have no idea when a girl looking at me is interested in me. I've had people tell me numerous times some woman had been checking me out but when I paid her no attention she moved on. I constantly fiddle with my fingers if they aren't doing something, or rub my head.
I can't stand being told how to do something without understanding why it has to be done that way. If I walk into a gas station to buy something, I'll try to match the people in the store with the cars they drive. I see tiny little circles in my vision all the time. I don't know what they are for sure, but I think it's blood cells flowing through my eye. I once lay awake at night, hearing some noise. After digging through my whole room at 3 am I discovered it was a tiny silverfish in the bottom of a box, under my bed, eating paper. When I killed it, the noise stopped.
I have such focus on my tasks that every other sound around me turns to static. People talking to me without first getting my attention sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown. I often hear the words someone says, but my mind doesn't process the sentence as a whole so it sounds like gibberish to me.
I've never had more than a very small handful of very close friends. I don't like to be acquainted with people, I'd rather be close or not at all. I've never been able to held a job for very long. Maybe a year and a half is the longest. Everyday I woke up to go to work I had to convince myself the agony was worth it so I could pay my bills. Some days I was unconvincing. Regular people to me seem as if they are about half intelligent. Improper grammar, use of words or mispronunciation drive me nuts. I correct people all the time and it bugs the both of us!
I could go on and on, but I'm preaching to the choir here. It's nice to finally find the planet I'm from. Maybe I'll see a professional and get a diagnosis eventually, but for now it's simply a relief to know that I'm not alone.
09 Aug 2012, 9:24 am
