I'm taking this post out of adult life (and drastically shortening the original) and putting it here as it turned into more of an introduction. I apologize for the severe lack of brevity and this is probably not very cohesive as I jumped back and forth a bit, but here's who I am and how I am:
I've always had an off and on tiny fantasy that I'm a robot that looks human. I don't seem to pick up on hidden meanings and I never catch anything useful from body language. Having worked retail I learned to make brief small talk with customers so I would be perceived as friendly and helpful, though it might as well be scripted as it's just a list of random things with enough variety to keep strangers from seeing through and catching the limitations of my AI.
Excepting my wife and family, I have literally 0 friends. I really have little desire to spend time among humans, it just isn't a motivation for me. Now that I work away from the public (a CNC machine shop) I only attempt to speak to the guy next to me, who has no common interests with me but follows well with my short rants and occasional bursts of computer geekery that go well over his head before I realize how windy I'm getting. I've found I can unlearn the courtesy of not walking out in conversation with some of the people I work who are outwardly friendly and chatty but quite subversive underneath.
I have to work to remind myself to talk to my parents who are very caring and supportive. I still usually forget after putting it off continuously. My routine if left undisturbed is to read and play/browse the computer til I get hungry enough to make something to eat, then continue til I'm tired enough to sleep. Once I get started stopping myself to do chores is very difficult. Maintaining any kind of consistent sleep wake cycle was impossible til I landed in a f/t job with a set schedule. I'm definitely too computer savvy to just waste my life in manufacturing, but I find it impossible to stay motivated to learn the minutia that I always intuitively know when in front of a pc but are required for most certifications.
My love life hit a stroke of unbelievable luck when my now wife saw me working and my store and for some unknowable reason developed an instant attraction to me. However I was at work and my AI didn't have any scripts for dating a customer, and I was oblivious to her flirting and even direct invitations to come by and watch a movie with her. In hindsight I think I've had a few customers attempt to flirt with me, who probably took my responses as flirting back. This continued about a week til a Fact About Chuck Norris caused me to mention the Facts About Jack Bauer banner I'd stuck on my MySpace (this was just before it started losing the battle with Facebook). After we met online there I was able to take initiative for arranging a date, though now SHE didn't know I'd also had romantic intentions til well into the date.
She has bipolar w/o meds and I think my robotic tendencies give me an advantage with her highs and lows. She really balances me with a lot of spontaneity and randomness while adoring my deep interests in so many strange things.
I usually think to pick her up her favorite candy when I'm out, to the extent I had to stop because it's gotten stockpiled. I always try to make dinner on my days off and try to send her off with breakfast if I manage to wake up early enough. I make what I think are real shows of affection to her also. I tell her I love her often, but I don't think the way I say it has much meaning to her. I love to cuddle with her, but she hasn't seemed receptive to it lately.
It seems even as close as I think we are I still miss out on a lot of her cues and contexts. Things hit a bad low when she asked "how did this happen", I guess in the context of our disconnect and I asked "how did what happen?" She complains about our not going out which I'm not opposed to but I have a lot of difficulty planning an enjoyable night out, even though I know she's not asking for much. When she takes initiative it seems I unconsciously obstruct despite being willing and usually enjoying our time out.
I've taken a lot of online AS tests and they always point towards AS. I've picked into the Ashley Sanford book and a lot of the men referenced seem a bit worse off than I do, though I think compensating has a bit to do with that. The book also seems to focus a lot on what the NT wife has to do to adapt but I think I need to make some adaptations myself and I don't know what or how. My wife also has issues with blaming herself for nearly everything so I'm not sure if offering this book would sound more like "here's what you're doing wrong" rather than being a way to cope with my 'eccentricities.'
I can live with being friendless, and I can live with never getting into a better industry if I have to but I can't live with divorce and losing this amazing person who makes me feel genuinely loved, nurtured, admired and actually human.
The Charlotte area here just seems like a real desert of health care, let alone specialized psychiatric services. On top of that, diagnosis whether self or professional seems a bit useless if there's no treatment, though I think on this board I can perhaps pick up some coping strategies. I mostly wish I knew who my manufacturer was so I could RTFM (Read The F#*%ing Manual) and maybe send off for a few replacement parts or maybe a driver update.
Does that sound familiar? Am I Aspie or something else? Maybe I can find my serial number if I keep looking.
08 Sep 2012, 4:36 pm
