New to WrongPlanet. How do you deal with...

Post Reply New Topic

( Sorry in advance for poor grammar, etc. Under stress right now.)

-NTs who want you to "snap out of it"? I know he means well, but my husband can make any meltdown worse. He's pushed me past the breaking point more times than I can count. I've tried comparing it to his seizures, but he just doesn't get it. Recently, I was trying not to totally melt, and he kept reminding me of all the worse times I've survived, and all the fighting I (allegedly) have to do, and how I'm letting down our whole family. Those are the part I was coherent enough to understand. Most of it doesn't even process, except that he's mad about something I did.

Actually, it just makes me feel like more of a burden, and I don't know how to stop being YarnBomber, Lord knows I've tried. I wish I had a hole to crawl into.

I've been melting down a lot lately; even television news seems to set me off. (Murdered children and sexual assault are two of my triggers: I also have PTSD). He refuses to let me seek crisis care in hospital, even though I've tried to explain that the one I want to go to is very good, and they're not going to "lock me up and throw away the key." It is fast approaching that I will have to go to hospital while he is at work. I won't go into too much detail, but I'm showing behaviors I haven't seen in twenty years, and they could be very physically dangerous. I just realized I should hide some cash in case I need a taxicab in a hurry.

He's not a monster, just a scared NT who doesn't get it. Any advice?

Crap. By the way...hi. Sorry.

Welcome to WP!

Hi and welcome! I'm new here too.

Sorry for the position you're in. I know you said that he's not a monster, but refusing medical care (of any kind) for someone else against that persons will is horrible - even if you can understand/rationalize why someone is acting like that it is not okay. Hope you find a way of getting care if you need it.

That's messed up. Hope you can get the help you need soon.
Welcome to WP.

Maybe I'm just projecting because my first husband was abusive, but: if you've tried to explain about the meltdowns to your husband and he doesn't listen, that doesn't seem okay, nor is the fact that he's trying to stop you from getting help you feel you need.
Ugh. I feel bad for you - sorry if I'm off base.

You're not his child. You don't need his permission.

I agree with NonPerson - what your husband is doing does appear to border on abuse (at the very least). Abuse is about control, manipulation and power of the vulnerable. By denying you medical help, he is using his perceived 'power' to control and manipulate you. Whether you believe he is 'abusing' you or not however, it is important that you do seek medical help when you feel you need it. Do whatever you think it will take to get it. (((Hugs)))

Generally speaking, i do not think that we are very well equipped to see abuse when it is happening to us. Take care

And Welcome to WP

Depends on how stone-headed he is. My father often does the same to our family (hole in the wall, broken glassware, and a dent in the floor to prove it). If he is completely stone-headed and in denial, they you will have to do things behind his back. If he is not as much, then perhaps if you can somehow get him to see that he is being unintentionally abusive (when you are not in melt-down phase and he's not in epilepsy-land), he will let off the tightrope for a while. Hang in there.

Hi, I'm new here myself, but I wanted to say I agree with everything Venusflower said above.

I believe it is extremely important for you to take WHATEVER steps YOU feel are appropriate for self-empowerment. If Professional Help is what your yearn for, Please do go get it.

You couldn't do anything more solid and supportive for your family than taking brave steps towards making things better for everyone.

Remember that although he loves you and you love him, he might still be wrong about some things.
And you might be right.

Thank you for the perspectives. I am grateful that there is a place I can "talk" with a keyboard when I can't speak with my mouth.

I am going to contact the crisis center today, to let them know what is likely to be happening. That way, they have some background on the hysterical lady who may literally wander in late at night. A friend suggested that I can also go to a nearby McDonalds' that normally has the presence of at least one police officer, and say "Please Help Me." I hope I could get those words out if I really needed to. Maybe I should write them down.

I will get the help I need and damn the "consequences." I have stashed cabfare, and have told some select friends and family that if they hear I'm in hospital, that they should be relieved, rather than worried. It would certainly be preferable to the risks I unknowingly take when I get to the "flight" part of a meltdown. I asked a friend about his perspective on what you folks have said, and he said that "Yes, it is actually like an ER visit. If you need to go, you F&$*#ing do it."

I am grateful that I have good friends. Thank you, and please, more advice/help/perspective is always welcome.

Good for you, Yarn!

Sounds like you are definitely being the more reasonable, responsible on at the moment!

Stay Strong.

Welkome to WP

Mick

You say your husband is scared, and I think you're right about that. It sounds to me like he's trying to control you to assuage his own fears and this is not good for either of you. Frankly his reactions are selfish, immature and irresponsible, and also irrational as fear-driven behavior usually is. Laying guilt on you for 'letting down your whole family' is also not OK at all.

I of course have no idea how well you two communicate when it comes to feelings. But sometimes it works to openly acknowledge that you can tell that your partner is afraid - let him know that you are aware of his feelings, that this is difficult for him and that you can accept that he feels this way, but not that he is using it to control you. He may relax a bit if he gets his feelings accepted - and then it may be easier for him to accept your side of it. Then again, I may be too optimistic - some people are in too much denial for this kind of thing to work - but if you don't try you won't know.

About being triggered by television news: There is no rule that says you have to read the news, or watch tv. I tend to obsess about news items, so I've completely stopped watching television (I watch my favorite shows on dvd) and I rarely read any news anymore. I have plenty of reality to deal with right in front of me, and doing this has only improved my daily life. Watching and reading news media was mostly a source of guilt-tripping and suffering for me, and only made me waste time and energy on things that were not a part of my actual life, and that I could do nothing about. I do not think I'm a bad person for not 'following the news', I'm actually able to care more for the people near me - more present, if you will - because I'm not upset about the news.

Hey there,

Welcome to Wrongplanet! Good to have you aboard.

Going to the crisis center actually helped quite a lot.

I only visited long enough to talk to some of the intake people, and they were very kind, accepting, helpful and gentle. If I ever need them, I will most certainly get there by whatever means necessary. (They even gave me a special phone number and crisis "code words" that I can use that sound innocuous, but mean certain things to us.) To me, knowing that I'm not just calling a random number in the dark, and knowing that they understand that I can't always speak with any real eloquence, makes calling on the phone easier. If need be, I just say my name and one of the "code words."

I got several contacts for COMPETENT diagnosticians, and most of them have websites or email addresses. Two of them have responded already.

I haven't had a meltdown for several days now.

The most recent one actually helped our living circumstances. Long story short, our slumlord got, as they say, PWNED. I look forward to moving; cute new place, and packing is therapeutic. I should get back to it.

Thank you all for your insight. I will not be a stranger here.