I believe I can describe Aspergers with the same clarity that Temple Grandin used to explain Autism; but even more importantly, I believe my Aspergers allows me to tangibly describe love.
I also believe that I am in possession of a pivotal Aspergers case-study: a 14-year obsession that made it all the way to John Scognamiglio (the chief editor at Kensington Publishers), but was passed on because both he & myself mistook it for fiction.
Hi.
I'm Dave.
I'm a 42 year old gay man, who until very recently, has been trapped within an impenetrable Aspergers-imagination (and inflexible routines).
At a glance, I'm a normal, functioning adult; I have a long-term job, own a house, appear to have friends; I'm become an expert at "hiding in plain sight," even though I'm privately terrified...because I feel like I'm "playing a character." Over the last 40 years, I've taught myself to hide my Aspergers (and possible tourettes) so well that even psychiatrists have missed it; my obvious childhood symptoms were mistaken for gay flamboyance (by a conservative/homophobic family), creating shame & guilt that has literally lasted a lifetime. I'm actually a lot like Abed from the TV show "Community;" my photographic visual memory compares real-time situations to past events, real & fictional (as clear as if they'd happened yesterday). My word choice/manner of speech is often mistaken as arrogance. My house is spotless...
When I think, I see a "wall of televisions" - with each TV playing a video (movies, TV shows, personal observations and/or memories) that reminds me of a present situation. I use these videos to make real-time decisions, and the process is near-instantainous...though I struggle with situations that have no precedent.
I will also add that every memory still contains it's original "emotion;" this is especially difficult with memories of shame/guilt/embarrassment. Strong emotional memories often trigger ticks & twitches; I've trained myself to hide them by pretending to sneeze, cough, or get a sudden chill.
I've been in & out of psychiatrists for years, but until Temple Grandin's "Thinking in Pictures," I've never had a point of reference to connect surface anxiety/behaviors to the larger, underlying issue...in a way that therapists can easily understand. When I told my last therapist that I suspected I might have Aspergers, she dismissed me as crying wolf...and warned me that I have a proven pattern of manipulating facts (spinning them to suit my argument).
In hindsight, she was right; I believe fact-manipulation/spinning are CRUCIAL to understanding Aspergers. Undiagnosed Aspergers (especially adults) is gut-wrenchingly lonely, and I've often embellished the truth, just to keep a conversation going. I learned from an early age that even if angry, a real person is better than talking to myself.
As mentioned, I've written a novel...a fast-paced murder-mystery (in the spirit of Preston/Child) that made it all the way to a publisher, on it's own merits. Scognamiglio liked my "clean writing" & "evocative" visuals, but he felt my plot "confusing," and that my story ultimately lacked "conflict."
As fiction, he was right..."Goodbye to Beekman Place" had an overly-complicated plot: fictional characters were trapped within their own memories, until one of them became "self aware," and tried to escape from the author's imagination.
But as NONFICTION, with a good editing job and commentary written by an Aspergers professional, I believe that my novel is timely & publishable...especially as I wrote it BEFORE I knew what Aspergers was (when writing was the only way I could share my world with others). I've worked for B&N for 8 years now, and my Aspergers sees a pattern/opportunity in Autism/Aspergers titles, both fiction & nonfiction, printed & electronic.
I'm looking for a psychiatric professional who is willing to read "Goodbye to Beekman Place," and if interested, to work with me in getting this work published...and helping me share my own, personal, and very sad story. I genuinely believe that there is a whole generation of "walking wounded" out there...people like me, who are so well at blending in that nobody will even consider that Aspergers is a possibility...people who pause when they talk, because every sentence must be assembled in our heads before we let it out.
Communicating with Aspergers is like watching a TV sitcom, and trying to speak quickly in the moment of silence when one character stops talking and the other one starts -
The opening line to Goodbye To Beekman Place: "And the moments of silence in between what is spoken often carry more impact than the importance of words, themselves."
Thanks for reading.
Last edited by DavesRadioWorld on 30 Mar 2011, 12:52 pm, edited 8 times in total.
25 Mar 2011, 10:38 am
What if I acted like I was going to hug you, but I brought my fist back and punched you in the gut? Since it encompasses both options, that would be alright, right? Just kidding, I don't like hitting. But Welcome!
