This past week I have been at the end of my rope. Once again I'm in a situation where even though I feel like I am trying my hardest to fit in at my new job, I can't. I'm overwhelmed by the lack of specific instructions. Every person you work with does things a different way and they each want it done their way when you are with them. I repeat my mantra "I do best when I know what is expected of me." I ask for policies and instructions and I find myself in a place where I have been so many times: MISUNDERSTOOD. I thought it was me. What seems so normal and common sense-y to me seems foreign to everyone else. What everyone else finds fun and humorous, I find ridiculous. They're smiling and laughing and all I can hear is Red Foreman's voice saying "Dumb@ass". This week I resolved to find a counselor to give me medicine that will make me like everyone else or make me not care that I'm not like everyone else. I sobbed to one of my friends that I am just so tired of being different and I don't know what is wrong with me. How can things that are so logical be so wrong? I feel like a Vulcan. She told me she thinks I might have Asperger's and she has thought it for a while. I looked it up. Yes. Yes. Yes!! That is me. That's me to a T. You mean I am not alone? I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way? At my appt this Friday I will ask my counselor more about Asperger's.
People say I am very black and white. I like rules. I like lists. I like logical things. I have a hard time expressing my emotions verbally without a lot of forethought. When I do get upset and cry, it feels like I am being a weak person. I struggle to participate in everyday goofy humor that others seem to be able to do easily. I have to control the radio. I cannot stand to listen to music I do not like. I cannot stand repetitive noises like children whining in a store. (I will roll up my windows at a stop light if someone has their bass turned up and is thump thump thumping.) I don't like crowds or parties - they make me feel like I can't breathe. I get irritated when stores are too crowded and will avoid them or just not get the items I need until later. I unconsciously pull at the skin on my upper lip. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until it bleeds. I have done this my whole life. Like others here, I think I am just being honest about something but others feel I am being harsh or impolite. I get anxious if I do not have alone time to recuperate. I don't just like time alone. I NEED it.
Sometimes it feels like I am acting in order to fit in socially. I have to direct myself to act appropriately in conversations that I am not interested in (Raise your eyebrows now. Nod your head. Smile. Saw "Aww.", etc) Those reactions are unnatural to me so I have learned to do them but I have to prompt myself. When I am overwhelmed I prefer to be alone and just drive and drive. When I get interested in a subject, I want to learn everything about it and then I am done with it. I am particular about the foods I eat and get very anxious if I have to try a new dish - especially if someone has cooked it for me because I have learned that people expect you to like it or pretend you do and get frustrated if you don't and I cannot eat foods I do not like. I like my foods simple (meat and potatoes) without a lot of seasonings or sauces and when people cook for you they always think they need to throw in the whole spice cabinet.
People always say I am intelligent and that I am 'strong'. People think that I don't *feel* things the way they do so they are more prone to hurt my feelings because they think I am somehow made of stone. The truth is that while I may struggle to laugh at silly jokes, I am quite capable of experiencing the pain that comes from being treated differently. I am just learning about Adult Aspergers but I feel this may explain why I have been the way I am all of my life. I prefer aloneness because it makes me feel less different.
I struggle when listening to my friends personal concerns because their behavior seems irrational to me. They will talk and say they believe one thing but then never act on it. Their words and actions don't match and I have a hard time processing that. When people hurt me, I will give them another chance. But after a few times, I tend to just remove them from my life because I do not know how to deal with conflict and I do not know how to recover from being hurt. I can shut them out like turning off a light switch. I've always been able to do this and am surprised that more people can't. I would rather be alone than be hurting and I can't understand why others remain in situations where they are miserable. I can't understand the concept of being afraid to be alone.
I am married with four children and an amazing husband. Recently I had asked for a separation because I am emotionally overloaded. Recent move to a different state. New house. New job that I am struggling with. No friends here. I just wanted to push everyone away and be ALONE. He wouldn't let me. He knows me too well and know he leaves I will shut him out for good. He has been such a big help to me and so supportive of me. When I told him about Adult Asperger's and he read up on it, he agreed that I do almost all of those things and didn't realize they were part of something larger. He just thought they were me being me. I am hoping to get an official diagnosis, make some friends, and understand AA better. I feel such a weight lifted now that I know I'm not alone. Wrong planet is the perfect name. I have felt like I was on the wrong planet for years.
18 Feb 2013, 6:55 pm
