Mild late-diagnosed Aspie, just discovering my peers

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Hi all, it's been a while since I've used any forums at all; I used to love them,

I think I'm here just because I recently discovered I'm a mild Aspie and I'm fascinated by the lives of others on the spectrum. I find everyone very encouraging and very interesting. I work in IT and kind of hate technology on some level (I'm the only in-house support at work). I'm also a synesthetic and I love music. I read, I surf, I socialize whenever I can, and my mind wanders a lot, and that's how I spend most of my time.

I'm almost 30, I'm in the Pacific Northwest, and I had my diagnosis confirmed by a psychiatrist about a month ago. I'm new to the whole thing, I didn't know what the condition was even a year ago, but I've been immersing myself and trying not to over-analyze.

Not knowing what Asperger's was changed once I'd had enough of issues with anxiety affecting relationships, and life-long discomfort with intimate eye-contact etc. I probably never would have discovered that I had Asperger's if not for my last relationship and the effect it had on me. My ex was convinced I had OCD, which I don't. I went to counseling just for anxiety, and was doing that already when I began to suspect Asperger's. What really got me wondering was a YouTube video by an Aspie that a friend posted, which I thought did a great job of describing what my life experience was like.

So not really knowing what Asperger's or Autism were growing up, I just always felt like my mind had a few quirks that put social distance between me and others, which I couldn't really change or get away from. I've since realized what I didn't know then: that it wasn't a matter of being introverted, or shy, or smart, or nerdy, or socially awkward or anything like that. I realized that what was going on were some involuntary tendencies that I was more or less stuck with, which I would have even if I reversed all those other things. Tendencies like not wanting to hold eye contact, being out of the rhythm of group conversations, flat-faced affect, involuntary stammering, not ever feeling comfortable in my own skin around new people, etc.

My quirks never seemed severe enough for either me or my parents to think I had a condition while I lived at home, but I think I always had some sense that my brain was not the same as others. I could just tell by comparison and by having to constantly fight my own nature. I can remember times when I tried to express this to my parents at various ages, and they just thought I was being strange and saying awkward things about my own mind. They never really took me seriously or thought anything of it, but they developed a bad habit of trying to educate and admonish and correct me on social skills even when I was sure I already understood what they were trying to tell me. They've kept it up until I got the diagnosis and I was fairly resentful of it. They just didn't seem to hear me at all when I tried to say that was not what I needed.

I think I went in for the diagnosis as much to prove that I knew what I was talking about, and to establish my authority on matters of my own life in my parent's eyes, as much as anything.

I almost find the diagnosis a little hard to believe now; I was excited to finally know what was going on but now I think I'm in a little bit of denial. What convinces me is just the evidence, and many friends who knew what Asperger's was wondering if I had it years ago (and not ever asking me). The psychiatrist commented that I walk like I have Asperger's, and I did not see that coming. I was also drawing in 3D in 3rd grade without anyone teaching me to, something I've heard a number of people on the spectrum can do. My mom and my class were amazed.

I don't think my Asperger's affects me hugely anymore, I think I'm one of those who tends to 'grow out' of their diagnosis over time. When I'm around people I know well, one on one, I become very confident and even charismatic, having no trouble expressing myself, and I start to feel like I must have been imagining that I was an Aspie. But the very next day, I can be around new people and have it all come back to me, and I am helpless to stop it some days. The best I can do is just kind of push on and mitigate it, so that people don't really remember how I was acting or think much of it.

My main goal in counseling right now is desensitization. Having a good romantic relationship would mean a lot to me, and because I do just fine and am comfortable in most social settings now, the holy grail for me is literally just stopping anxiety from taking over when I'm trying to get to know someone special. That, and the way people can spontaneously fall into rapid-fire 3-way or 5-way conversations with each other still makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I always get left out of those. I didn't used to be able to determine whether others were being sarcastic in the moment, but now I have no trouble with that usually.

The other symptoms I notice on a daily basis are sensory integration. Conflicting sounds that are not just white noise can moderately agitate me, enough to make me feel compelled to leave the room. I tried for several years to learn to tune out noises and conversations from co-workers, and was never able to. I finally got to move to an office by myself in the back corner at work. My skin/sense of touch also gives me too much feedback a lot of the time. I can have trouble falling asleep just because of that.

Oh also, since I see a lot of the other introductions here mention the same quiz I took both online and with the psychiatrist, I'll say that I scored 32 which I know is just barely over the line, answering as honestly as I possibly could. Someone said it's common though for Aspies to score only in the neighborhood of 35? I wonder if I would have scored higher when I was younger.

I am verbose, I always end up writing way more than I mean to. I'm sure a lot of this could have been saved for elsewhere, but I'll let this be my introduction.

Hi, and please to meet you!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you BTDT!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you so much! Hope I didn't throw too big a wall of text at anybody.

I only scored 32 on the 50-question psychiatric Asperger's test that gets administered here in the US, and now I'm feeling like I don't deserve my diagnosis and am probably more like an NT much of the time.

...But then I see or hear a recording of myself, and I think, wow, there's something unmistakably different about me... I really don't stim, although when I was younger I would "shake out" my hands sometimes when I was tense. And I would drum my fingertips and thumb together, or find something to fidget with. But I think it shows up in my voice, posture, mannerisms, the things I like to talk about, the way I say things and the words I use, muscle tone (although that's getting better). I really do feel alien sometimes. And yet I've learned to mitigate so much of that.

I completely forget that I ever felt Aspie-ish sometimes too, by myself or around good friends. But the more tired or stressed I get, the more my NT abilities weaken.

So I dunno what to say I am. But, maybe the best thing I can do with this is to be a bridge between NTs and Aspies, and be one more person to help Aspies be understood? It would be a privilege.

ThetaIn3D, it does sound like you may have a foot in both worlds (and I have always wondered if there was a person in this world like you! I didn't have a name for all of this back then, but I found myself wishing there were people in the world that were able to see both "sides" of the social spectrum. When I was younger I wished for a friend that understood me better and could help me bridge the gap to a more social life.)
Your comment about synesthesia has me very intrigued! It has been something I've noticed about myself. Misophonia is another trait of mine and it sounds like that's what you meant about being bothered by certain sounds. I definitely have a strong misophonia component deeply ingrained in my personality. I'm wondering if these 2 traits are common in Aspie's. I'll have to pay attention for these things as I start to read through the many posts in this forum.
Thank you again for welcoming me when I posted my first comment in this group. I didn't realize you were new here, too, so I want to give an official "WELCOME" back at ya

Sweet welcomes to WPea



Mick and Peahawk