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Hi,

I'm Lisa and I live in the UK. I have a son (10) with potential Asperger's, we're waiting for a CAMHS appointment to come through (6 months and counting - eesh).

We've had a lot of stress this year - my marriage broke down, we moved out of the area to be near my family, and then my ex husband passed away in October. I also have a new partner since August (we don't live together at present).

I'm really struggling at the moment, because my son's behaviour has got much worse since I split from my husband, and the only peace either my son or indeed all of us get is when my new boyfriend stays - my son loves him to bits (he also has a son with similar issues).

My son is increasingly violent with his siblings (he's a triplet and one of five altogether), he is being bullied at school, has no friends or social life (where we live has a huge problem with antisocial behaviour, plus my son regularly runs off and causes trouble, so I can't let any of them play out)...and there's nothing I can say or do to make him happy.

Any advice appreciated. I'm at breaking point.

xx

i'm praying for you
i hope your new bf can stay longer and more often, and maybe even have his son and your son "compare notes" so to speak- maybe a kid-to-kid thing can be helpful? i wish this hermit could offer you some real help.

Ah CAMHS, quite a joy that was!

I really, really hope things get better for you, soon, though I'm not sure what advice I could give.
Welcome in any case

Thanks folks.

He did have an assessment by an educational psychologist a couple of years ago, who said he was a "lovely boy". Well, we knew that, but he didn't get a diagnosis because he wasn't having problems in school. The ed psych was supportive over the phone, but did a quick basic assessment and gave us nothing, turns out he didn't even write a report about it and they have no record of even seeing him. At the time of his assessment we were told to pursue it via the GP if we really felt he needed a diagnosis.

His behaviour then was different (has been since he was born) but not troublesome - he has things he obsesses over like numbers (at the time he was obsessed with the dials on the school boiler, and the numbers going round on VCRs), maps, bus routes, time, germs etc. But he wasn't violent or angry. His dad was an alcoholic who showed very little emotion towards the triplets (he used to be a good dad, but he found his illness hard to manage with 5 kids and took it out on them - he was an emotional bully near the end, hence me leaving). So my son rarely acted up then, but when he did he was put in his place by a domineering dad.

It's sad, because of all the family, it's my son who misses him the most, yet he was the child he showed the least love to. I know some of his anger is tantrum at not getting his own way and testing the boundaries, but I'm not a softy giving him his own way, I'm trying to treat him fairly - but it ends in total house destruction. Eg. today he swore and kicked his sister in the face...and was told no computer. His mood has gone on all day on and off, and I've had to tidy up three times after him (he refuses). I have family coming for dinner, and haven't even had time for a bath!

It doesn't matter how much I take away from him - we've worked up to a week without computer, no xbox, no guitar and if he carries on - no tea - smacked bum is my last option and it doesn't work. And his moods stop as quickly as they started, and he doesn't understand why I'm still upset.

I'm so tired.

Welcome!

Welcome to WP!

Parents are welcome here! There's even a sub-forum just for you guys!

I know with myself, punishment and discipline didn't really work. It just got me more upset. Spanking and removing "privileges" that helped me to calm down (computer) made things worse.

If his mood swings so violently, it might be best to try to integrate delibrately teaching coping skills into your parenting. Could sending him to his room to calm, with no other punishment, be an option?

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you find these forums helpful.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

A sweet welcome to WPea!

Thanks for the lovely welcome everyone

My son's CAMHS appointment arrived, it's next Tuesday. When I went to let his teacher know today, she asked what it was for and when I said to start the ball rolling for a diagnosis for Asperger's, she said she was glad I came to her, as she literally had decided this week to refer him to the special educational needs team because she also suspected Asperger's. So in a way I'm glad that someone else noticed the signs. Apparently he's doing great grade wise, and although his triplet brother told their teacher about his anger issues at home, they've not seen that in school. Her concerns are due to him having serious anxiety at any change in routine or change to class structure. Also his social issues (he's being bullied). So fingers crossed with both CAMHS and the SEN team involved we can get him (us!) the help we need.

Any advice or info on the procedures involved with either CAMHS or the SEN involvement would be much appreciated xxx

Just an update, he had his appointment with CYPS (formerly CAMHS) today and they're going to get him assessed for ASD/Aspergers, but today was just to discuss our issues and see how they can help, so to do that they need to refer him on and it'll be 12-14 weeks before he's seen by the next stage. Still - it's all a step forwards. School are probably putting him on school action too.

I know I'm not qualified to really give parenting help at all. But I still remember very clearly what it was like for me as a child. My one suggestion would be to use reasoning with your son. Reasons, logic, facts, cause-and-effect - all of these could be extremely valuable to him. Preferably, speak to him in a calm voice, using clear language, and not in a place where he'll feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. Sometimes a kid on the spectrum just needs to understand why something should or should not be done, and the effects that doing it or not doing it will cause (including understanding the fact that it causes the pain of another person).

Even if you have to get out a pen and paper and list those reasons for yourself first, it might be worth it.

Of course, there may always be a few things he'll be resistant to, and a few things he'll continually "forget"... but at least things might get better in the family. It's always good to ask his opinion as well, try and find out why he did what he did and figure out if there might be something in the environment that could be changed to help the situation from happening again.

Thank you so much - I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions, it means a lot to me at the mo - we've been through and are still going through a lot (on top of the bereavement, we are experiencing antisocial behaviour on the estate where we live which has left us virtually prisoners and we're looking to move. We have the police, victim support and HASBET team on our side, but it doesn't stop it).

I do talk and explain a lot to Joe, just when he has a total meltdown, no amount of talking works. Sometimes it helps for someone else to talk to him - not because I can't stay calm but because he seems to respond better to a fresh approach. My new partner and my eldest daughter (17) are amazing for helping when they can.

I'm really tired at the mo - with the issues at home dealing with the bereavement, then the harrassment and threats at home from the local yobs, then the work I need to do to get us moved (decorating the house in my "spare" time), and then with Joe being bullied at school and his anger issues at home - it's taking it's toll on us all.

Just had a home visit from the police, victim support and HASBET (antisocial dept from the council). It seems never ending at the mo, I just want to sleep and cant.

Further to my last post, I had an appointment with the occupational therapist at CAMHS/CYPS today, without my son, to go over his background and "symptoms" again. It went well, we didn't get everything covered so she may do a home visit to finish off his background info.

He is going in for two "baseline" assessments next week and the week after, I'll have to wait in the waiting room while they chat and play with him. This will give them a better idea of the help he needs, and what they need to do next.

She said - judging by what I'd told her, he is showing classic signs of either autism or aspergers, but she can't do the diagnosis til the baseline assessments are done and other assessments are made. She said it was shocking that it hadn't been picked up on sooner by the school, and was appalled by the actions of the ed psych who dealt with him 3 years ago back in Yorkshire (who wrote him off and didn't even write a report about visiting him in school and told us he was a "lovely boy" and wasn't struggling with his education so didn't need a diagnosis!).

However, she said whether he is diagnosed or not, she will be helping give him the support he needs to deal with his bereavement, his anger issues, and his depression.

She said that they will likely do another assessment at school, and diagnosis may be a long way off, but she said he is going to get this back up whatever happens and we are on the road to finding the best course of action for him.

She's given me some ideas to help with his anxiety, like carrying a photo of my partner (my son gets angry when my partner goes home after staying), and some games he might prefer. Also mentioned deep touch therapy - something I'd be interested in hearing more about because I'm trained as a massage therapist, so I could potentially do this for him if they showed me how to.

She also agreed that he may have trouble transitioning to a mainstream secondary school but said not to worry about that just now, as once he's diagnosed they can either help support him into a mainstream school or decide if he'd be more suited to one of the special schools (there is one locally to me who deal solely with kids with autism/Asperger's).

There's so much more I can't remember, but I don't think I've ever felt this relieved!