I think my husband may have Aspie tendencies

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Hi all,

I'm new. My husband and I have been together for 25 years. We dated for 8 years and then have been married for 17. We met in college. We have a great life, but not necessarily a great marriage. In fact, we have been on the "slippery slope" of decline in terms of our relationship for at least the past 5 years. This past August, we began seeing a counselor. Just yesturday, in our session, she told us that she thinks my husband may have some Aspergers tendencies. She said that she thought he might be "borderline" but that a lot of the issues she has learned about fit this picture.

The weird part is that my husband is so good socially, I mean it's an act, but people absolutely love him! They think he's great. He really is good at making other people have a good time. But the person that I see in social situations is an entirely different person than the one at home. It seems like he gets jazzed by making others believe that he is "mister wonderful" and in many ways he is, but he really has no depth of feeling, relationships, friendships, etc.

One of the issues we have been dealing with is a general lack of initiative. He seems, perhaps, depressed at home and doesn't want to go out anywhere, do anything. Even small things that need to be done around the house are just left to languish. He likes to take a nap everyday and feels that it is his "down time" to go into a dark room, read for an hour and then sleep for an hour or an hour and a half.

I guess I'm just puzzled as to whether anyone else has experienced a situation where someone is very good socially around others, but isn't being his "true self". I know this may sound weird. I'm just trying to figure out if it can be selective.

If he's that dazzling in public, why does he avoid social situations?

My husband has traits too, though not as "bad" as I do. He too can lay on the charm when he needs to, I've even called him a used car saleman. He can make people laugh so hard that they're crying, and he's popular where he works.

But he can also be dark, isolated, and glowering. Personally I think my husband is OCD, not AS. Maybe this is a possibiity for your husband, too? I am not a certified professional though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt!

Thanks for the reply en_una_isla. Though he's good in social situations, it drains him. I don't know, I've thought about OCD too. I'm just not sure. The communication dynamic in his family of origin is such that they are alway debating. It's all about who's right and who's wrong, and they'll whip out an encyclopedia or a map in a skinny minute to try and prove their point. My husband tries to engage me in this "debating" too...over unimportant things like the butter, or which container I'm using to cook with, etc. This debating or "bickering" seems to energize him, but it saps me and makes me very tense. I always though it was just a communication style for his family, but our counselor thinks that there might be Asperger tendencies in his family as well.

It's very puzzling.

We have debate tendencies in our family as well. I grew up with a father who always had to be right. He is actually a very sweet guy, and has become super social in later life, but he was the guy in the room who read the paper while everyone else socialized way back when I was a kid. He starts debates (or outright fights) just for fun. It must energize him as well. My mom's friends would accuse him of "just enjoying keeping things stirred up," and it was true!

My hubby is an engineer type, and may have a few aspie characteristics, but he's pretty easy going. But, having said that, we have a 20 year old aspie and a 10 year old HFA/aspie. The 20 year old loves to debate. So does his supposedly NT (16 year old) sister. The only thing that makes them somewhat bearable is that they both have a great sense of humor. I think that's their only saving grace with friends.

Kris

I only can debate in writing; if I try to do it verbally (even with family) I freeze and go blank (although I do whip out the dictionary a lot).

Puzzled, does your husband hoard stuff? Mine does, he will even hoard garbage, which is what always made me think OCD before AS.

Welcome to WP!

Tim

I can't claim to be an expert on relationships,but I know there's a tendency for some of
us with AS to have different personas depending on the circumstances.On the one hand we can act like the person we'd always like to be (charming and sociable) but sometimes it takes so much effort that the other side of the coin is a risk of anxiety and depression taking over
I think at the centre of it all is a need for approval and reassurance from as many sources as possible and before I learned about AS I used to be caught up in that all the time.Now I try to compromise and don't worry so much about putting on an act.
It sounds like while your husband is seeking approval from others,he's taking yourself
for granted ! A clue as to whether he might have AS would be if he has a tendency to avoid looking directly at you when you're speaking to him.
Good luck in trying to sort out the issues

He may be a Social Savant.

They, like all aspies don't subconciously understand humans but on the other hand the conscious mind has people figured out. But I wouldn't hold out hope on that: Social Savanats are extremely rare.

Wow. Thank you, thank you for the replies. So nice to feel there are others who will even "talk" about this with me.

No, he doesn't really hoard stuff.

Yes, he rarely looks me in the eye when we're talking. And yes, I think he takes me for granted. And yes, he's always looking for approval.

I'm a bit relieved to think that maybe he has issues and isn't just self-centered to the extreme. On the other hand, I'm at my wits' end as to what to do about it.

Ideas????

I learned a lot from books,such as 'Asperger's Syndrome' by Tony Attwood. It goes into
detail about all the symptoms and doesn't just focus on the more well-known aspects like the
social abilities. It's also written from the point of view that AS is a 'difference' and needn't
be seen as a 'disorder'.
It would be understandable if your husband didn't want to contemplate the possibility - most people would be a little shocked to think they might have an autistic thinking process - but it
could show things in a better light.It sounds like he's the sort of person who can learn to adapt,
having already developed social skills.

I am on the flip side of this topic. I've been in married for over 20 years and my wife thinks I might have AS. She can't seem to be able to cope with me. I says I'm a real nice guy, but... We have several children, one of which may have AS. When she found out about AS several years ago, and told me our son might have it, I thought she was overreacting. Evidently my response broke something within her, our marriage has newer been right since. I am being interviewed at the local University hospital to see if I might have AS. Our son is to be checked out later this month.

If I have it, I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to handle / deal with it. I love my wife and can't stand seeing her so hurt. On the other hand, if I don't have AS, I don't know how she'll cope. In my opinion, our arguments tend to be more of the Mars / Venus type. I really believe that God made men and women differently and to complement each other. The sum of the two is greater than the individual parts. In general, men seem to be more reason-oriented, while women seem to have a far better grasp of the emotional side. Yet feelings without reason can result in disaster, while reason without feeling/compassion can result in cruelty. Men and women (again, in general) need each other.

But I do get tired of trying to find out what is bothering her when she is down, and the answer is 'nothing!'. I get defensive when hit with "You always" or "You never". I don't have to be right - I want to be happy and for her to be happy too. But sometimes language is important. Communication has to be based on understanding, not on confusion. Demanding statements engender resistance (e.g. "Put the dishes away"). Is it so hard to ask for things nicely? (e.g. "Would you give me a hand by putting the dishes away?") I tend to ask, and am told that I am passive / submissive and avoid confrontation. Are these AS traits?

It's true that language is important and words such as 'please' or 'thank you' can make all
the difference ! It sounds like the above are examples of everyday communication issues that
can happen in any relationship.
I'd say that although people with AS do try to avoid confrontation and it might appear as if
they are being passive/submissive,there's a strong underlying sense of fairness and if something isn't considered to be fair then they will stand up to it as much as anyone else. Even if someone has AS it doesn't necessarily shift the balance of responsibility in their direction for all communication problems. I think you're on the right lines about the reason / feelings balance.