Hi, new on the board, new to that light bulb feeling...

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Hello to everyone -- please be gentle with me!

I feel a bit nervous venturing on here, as I haven't even been officially diagnosed, but I'll try to make a brief description of what brings me here.

I don't know how, but I've managed to get to be just past 50 years old, and only just now realized that the things I've struggled with all my life may be due to Asperger's. I've lived all this life in a lot of inner emotional pain over why I've had the issues I've had, and in the last few years the more I heard about AS, the more I thought...could this be me? And then denied it and vehemently thought "No" I'm completely like everyone else --- except I've NEVER felt like everyone else.

While there are two or three traits that I don't have at all and actually am the opposite of, pretty much every other trait, issue or challenge I've come across in descriptions of common Asperger's experience are "me" to a T, giving me that "light bulb lighting up" experience that you get when something is hitting home. The recognition factor of so many things Asperger people describe is just getting harder for me to deny.

To cut a potentially long post shorter, from childhood there were issues, but my family's middle name is "brush it under the rug" about anything that could upset the "normality" apple cart, especially back in the 1960s and 70s when a lot of child developmental concerns were often overlooked or dismissed anyway. I have reason to believe my parents were in fact "approached" about me and some of my issues, but their other middle name was also "it's nobody business, go away"! And in those days, in the UK, things were able to be that lax.

So now I'm an adult who has ended up self-diagnosing, and suddenly so many things about my life, which has been very difficult, seem to have an answer.

I have not consulted my GP or made any approach to anyone for a diagnosis yet. So far I've taken two online tests, striving very hard not to bias my responses in either direction, and both test results placed me firmly within the spectrum.

I have very mixed emotions right now. I haven't told anyone about what I suspect. I am afraid of people's reactions or if I should just not tell anyone, or tell people selectively -- I don't know how to proceed. I have so many thoughts and questions and fears yet also a sense of relief in the idea that some of my life makes sense in a way it doesn't without this "diagnosis".

I joined this forum in hopes of finding out more about this whole thing and how to cope with many of the challenges I've always struggled with throughout my life, some of which have gotten better, but some which seem like they're getting worse for me following recent stressful events -- another thing I later read can happen. Even if I'm not Asperger's at all, I have so many of the traits or challenges that I might as well be.

Okay, I've blathered on far longer than I thought I was going to -- it just feels like there's a lot to explain!

Thanks for reading, and again hello.

Hi. Welcome to WrongPlanet BirdInFlight!

Hi SPtread, thank you for the welcome!

Nice to meet you! Welcome!

Hi, im new to wrong planet too. I like you had the same experience of suspecting aspergers after a counselor brought it up. I have struggled and constantly felt like I wasn't meant for this life. I have been fighting depression as well. I'm 23 and felt extremely annoyed that it had been missed for so long so I can't imagine what it would have been like for you. I now have an informal diagnosis with the official report due soon.
I say to you, mention it to your g.p. and try to get a diagnosis. It was such a huge relief to finally have an explanation for everything that has happened, all my struggles. I constantly wondered when the diagnosis was underway, am I right to do this? But I did the online tests too and got such a strong indication that that had to be the answer. I was glad I did go ahead with it. Now I am learning to live with it.
The relief alone will make it worth it for you.

Hi BirdInFlight,

I relate to what you say about the "lightbulb" moment. I only got diagnosed a few months ago, and only really heard about Aspergers a few months before that. It was like the person writing the description of Aspergers had been following me and basically wrote my biography.

Remember you don't have to have every single symptom. Getting a diagnosis is entirely up to you, it can bring on a whole raft of emotions, which is a bit of a rollercoaster ride for a while. It is certainly a relief to finally have an explanation after so many years of issues though.

Personally, I think if a mature person reacts that strongly to the description of the syndrome, and scores highly on the tests then (as long as there are no underlying psychiatric issues) it's pretty likely you have it. Of course, that could just be based on my case.

Good luck with pursuing a diagnosis if you decide to go that way. Some people here are very happy with self diagnosis and decide they won't actually gain anything by making it official, you just need to do what is right for you.

So welcome to WP, make yourself at home.

What Moomingirl has said is all true; and I know that's easy for me to say, because we had nearly identical experiences. But I think many people here can relate.

Personally, I think it's entirely possible that exactly opposite symptoms can be pretty clear indicators that you do have Asperger's.

Psychiatrists observe one symptom in many people with AS, and as it becomes well-documented, they take it as a typical feature of the condition. But I think they sometimes don't realize that the neurology of AS can produce different, even (and maybe even especially) opposite symptoms. "If you've met one Aspie, then you've met... one Aspie," as they say.

It has a lot to do with the individual's personality. For instance, if you take a very assertive person and impose an AS brain structure on them, I think it makes for a very blunt Aspie, who will sometimes be perceived as unfiltered or rude.
If you take a very sensitive person with an AS brain, when they are put in the same situation of having to communicate something potentially offensive to somebody, they will do the opposite: They will tiptoe around the issue, sugar-coat it, use very tactful and indirect language, and have trouble getting to the point.

The common thread is they both have AS, and what AS is doing to them is not "making them blunt" or "making them timid", what it's actually doing is making it hard for both of them to emulate "normal" social convention. So the same condition and same root cause can make different personalities display quite different symptoms, even opposite or "atypical" or "contradictory" symptoms.

I say this because I'm like this too, a few of my behaviors are exactly the opposite of what gets described for AS (I'm the timid, diplomatic, tactful Aspie in this story, whereas we get typified as being blunt, rude and unfiltered). But when I take stock of myself internally, I can tell that I'm struggling against my own wiring and that my tendencies clearly follow the general pattern of AS. I doubted it for a while, but the more I think and reflect on it, the more comfortable and confident I am in saying, yes, it's correct to say that an Aspie is what I am. My brain is an Aspie brain, I just don't have the "typical" Aspie personality. I've been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as well.

But don't be discouraged, that's the main thing! I'm glad you're here and I hope you find some answers and some peace, and will always be able to accept yourself. I strongly believe that there are good things we can do with this knowledge and within the framework of having Asperger's, and there's such a thing as a healthy, thriving Aspie who is regardless a valuable member of their community. It can be hard to reach that point sometimes, and learning your diagnosis can be a shock, but if you are able to accept yourself for whatever you might be and learn to work with it, the prognosis is always good.

Welcome and I hope this finds you well,
Theta

Thank you Moomingirl and ThetaIn3D, both of your replies have been incredibly interesting and educational to me. I'm glad I've found this site because directly hearing the experiences of others is priceless, deeply helpfu, and also very comforting!

It has been a bit of a shock to me, the recognition factor and the way it dawned on me that the things I've been reading about Asperger's is describing me and every challenge I've ever had all the way back down the years. It's like suddenly seeing everything through a different prism and it all makes much more sense. One sentence kept occurring to me: "That sure does explain a lot! !"

Relating this condition to "Me" is still so new and each day brings me more understanding -- and even forgiveness -- of myself and some of what historically I've viewed as my shortcomings. But I can see now that I'm going to have so much more available energy to cope better in this new light of acceptance of my differences from neurotypicals. I think that knowing I probably have Asperger's is also going to help me be much kinder to myself when a situation is one I know I have to handle differently instead of just "put a good face on it" yet suffer terribly. I think the worst thing about not realizing this is me is how much energy I've expended "trying to be normal." Similar stories I've been reading on here and elsewhere keep sounding like my own stories too.

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, all of you.

You are so welcome, it makes me really happy to hear about you being able to forgive yourself and let yourself off the hook a little bit, and to have more energy. I saw a video of an Aspie once who said that not insisting that she herself be normal gave her more energy for other people, not being preoccupied with herself. I thought that was really insightful, and I think it's commendable that you recognize the same thing. It's something I intend to keep practicing myself too.

Well here, now that I've mentioned it, why don't I just give you the video? This girl is brilliant, I've learned so much and have been helped so much by just this one video:

Go to 5:23 to hear the part about having more energy when you put aside trying to appear normal:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_8j59cU_PY[/youtube]

And this one, this really helped me too. I guess I'll just let the women explain it, they do a fantastic job.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At4Vmo13vJE[/youtube]

And of course, they don't speak for everybody, but those are two Aspies on YouTube. Well... ok, so the first girl identifies as Autistic, but as of DSM-5 it's all the same thing anyways. I prefer to think that the concept of Asperger's and Aspies should remain though; I think of myself as an Aspie more than as Autistic.

Be prepared for the possibility of a lot of shock, I certainly went through that. And there will be ups and downs, maybe a lot of them, maybe severe ones. But as long as you land in a place where you understand yourself, and are comfortable and forgive yourself, you are doing incredibly well.

Thank you for the thoughtful and enjoyable reply and hope to see you here so we can hear how you're doing,
Theta.

Thanks ThetaIn3D for posting those videos! Hearing from people on the autism spectrum is really helping me.

And thank you Rocket123 for the welcome; yes, I'm reading everything I can -- it's all a bit overwhelming and I feel very mixed emotions, but I'm taking it day by day. Thank you so much all of you! I'm glad to be here where there are a lot of kindred spirits.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!!

Thank you Sparrow40k!

Welcome to WP! Adult diagnosis is definitely a personal choice. I chose to "make it official" a little over a year ago (age 36) in order to validate my own personal reality but that doesn't mean that you should/have to. Nor does it mean you have to make a decision right now. Do what works for you and know you have a safe place to work it all out here!