Well, I read some testimonies of high functioning autism and was astonished to see the great similarities with my case. I had a delay in language meaning I began to talk at age 4 and a half, and my official first words were : " Leave me alone ! " in French in a Swiss clinic. As a child I was a very quiet one and very observant; if I wasn't hungry or thirsty, I could stay perfectly silent for hours on my own ( meaning I wasn't crying at all most of the time as a little child; I only used to cry when I needed food or drink, or when I get hurt, or for toy cars in shops )
My step father and my biological mother brought me at many doctors and pediatricians to know why I was not talking, and it was in the 80's, ( I'm 35 now ), as my parents told me ( I don't know if they hided something to me ) all the doctors and pediatricians told them I was a normal child but I just wasn't motivated to speak.
I discovered many years later as a young adult my biological father had a great delay in language as well and he began to speak at age 6. His family circle thought he was mute until he began to speak at age 6. Later as a student he was very well gifted in maths and made his higher studies in Switzerland to become an architect engineer.
I didn't grew up with him and I met him at age 18.
I was born a left-hander as well, but I was forced at age 4 to use my right hand, and now I write with my right hand the same way obama writes with his left hand, as a hook.
So my nightmare began when I was beat and forced to use my right hand, both by my biological mother and my step father, but particularly by my biological mother, who began to be very cruel against me, and bullied me and persecuted me all my childhood and adolescence.
My step father did nothing to protect me, in the contrary he participated to the cruelty of my biological mother and both they mocked me and bullied me and forced me to eat awful food I dislike very much; I was an only child, I was autistic and they treated me like I was nothing. In retrospect I wonder if they didn't hide me they knew I was autistic and they treated me as a lesser person, as less than a family pet.
In high school, one of my greatest fears was to be in a group of schoolmates and would have nothing to say and everyone in the group would mock me. I didn't understand the subtleties of my schoolmates conversations, so daily I used to do everything to get at school right at when the bell was ringing and all schoolmates enter in classrooms so I didn't have to be around groups of schoolmates and would have nothing to say to them and I would panic greatly other classmates would reject me or mock me or bully me because of my perfect silence.
When it was the time of recess, whereas other classmates were very happy to have a break, I was very sad instead because around groups of schoolmates I didn't know what to say during what appeared to me as very uninteresting and very superficial conversations !
My mind was full of deep thoughts, and they always talked about very superficial matters, so I felt I had nothing to say in that context and at every recess I very carefully avoided groups of schoolmates and was usually on my own in the same isolated place far from the other classmates, and I was eager for the bell to ring so that other classmates would not notice me and mock me because I get far from them. I did it for all my high school. And because of that I was often late at school in the morning, and one time when I was punished for being late at school , I was at a school sport room with other punished pupils for being late, and while the PE teacher was talking to us, the two pupils beside me began to bully me for no reason, I defended myself and right at this time the PE teacher noticed that and he instantly slapped me in the face !
I was so angry ! But I didn't know what to say or how to express it ! And I wanted to die at this time ! He did nothing to the two bullies who provoked me, but he slapped me in the face !
I felt a great injustice ! I felt like everyone was against me, I hated everyone and I just wanted to die !
My life was stolen from me, but now that I know my true condition ( and I don't consider my high functioning autism as a "disease" or a "handicap" btw ) I could act towards a much better understanding of my true potential and a much better life ! Now I would never be ashamed anymore to have nothing to say if I have nothing to say ! And I would always refuse and disagree to be called " slow ", or " stupid ", or " uncommunicative ", or " cold ", or " snob " !
I just have a different way of functioning with my own special and permanent prerogatives to enjoy to the fullest and temporary disadvantages to deal with ! We are not supposed to be all the same people on earth ! We have the right to be different !
Each one of us !
Otherwise it would be boring to death, wouldn't it ?
15 Jun 2013, 11:37 am
