Cheers, introductions and a request

Post Reply New Topic

So hello everybody, i finally inscribed myself to an asperger-general autistic forum. I don't know where to start with what i wanted to say there. Allright, introductions come first. I'm 23 y/o, male, italian, actually doing university ( sociology ). About one year ago, i discovered Asperger on Wiki, and it has been the closest thing i ever read to a picture of myself. But, since i'm a kid no more and have grown up without even knowing anything on the subject, i ofcourse initially retained that the effective chance for me to have it, even with some strong matches, was very low, so i gave little importance to the matter. But then this doubt kind of rooted in an angle of my mind and it's like whispering me to find an answer. I guess that's the weird part of me asking the remaining to solve her riddle - i have no doubts i am different in some way ( my reactions, instincts and reasoning patterns seem all very afar from the ones i observed in my peers here and then ). Anyway, let's go on with the story. Then i started looking the internet for more articles, tryied to track my personal traits to their "origins" ( meaning, the singular trait cause ) but it seem i always end up reading of some particular disorder, the most frequent being SPD and AS. I now consider to have a not bad knowledge of these two. I also take the available tests and scored quite high all the time, thing which didnt surprise me at all but hey, having done all the researching and testing inside my head, i still need any kind of feedback to make all of this evolve in my mind into a more accurate picture, since i opted for the very skeptic lane throughout my thinking on the matter, not knowing anything for sure.
So there we go. If anyone has read till here, and is willing to continue, i just have some questions: what do you think is more probable given the informations i gave till/will give now ? i am NT guy that somehow went paranoid about these topics, a schizoid, an asperger, a sociopathic, or just a bit psychotic ?
There it is a more accurate description to make your mind. Phisically i have always been quite... well you know, bad. It's not like i'm fat or handicapped, but i'm just bad at most of physic activities; i have very little confidence about it. Self-exteem. I got a high one when it come to intellectual matters, since experience taught me others use to reason on a very lower level than mine, taking for given ungiven facts, not considering all the causes, nor consequences, and finding very boring to try do so properly. That's like a sport to me, and in the years i developed a very high taste for it, to reason as well as i can, to develope methods to do it better, to learn to infer as much informations as possible from what seem little ( as proof of that, philosophy is probably one of my favourite hobbys... to read and think about it i mean ). On the other side, socially, i'm total duck, But since at the time of my childhood i wasn't aware of the chance of a disorder, i didn't spend much time thinking about it and just acted like i felt to. I still got friends throughout my life anyway that taught me what "normality" would be like. Of my school time, i remember a particular episode that i think may be relevant on the subject, and that till now i could never explain if not with some autistic-like traits.
At the high school, in the music classroom, we used to play flute. Now i had a very strange problem. Everytime it was my turn to play, after a little while i was doing it, i would burst into laughs for a couple of minutes, with almost no chance to stop me once i started, or to prevent it in the first case ( i had several bad votes just for that -.-'' ). I just couldn't stand all my class staring at me playing a flute without bursting fast. As a counterpart of this, when i would have to read something in class, my voice would have been completely "blank" ( i don't know the right word in english :\ ), i couldn't pretend like i felt something reading like others could. I think the two things have some kind of relationship. My personal analysis now it is that i couldn't stand too many eyes on me while expressing myself in any way. That's why i think i could read easily with my unexpressive voice without problems ( if not the teacher blaming me for not being expressive ) but fall off when trying to reproduce something "hot" and expressive as music in front of others. That creates such a deep pressure into my nervous system that is just unsustainable to keep in, and has to throw out in some way.
Let's bring out some other "strange" occurrences. Ok when i was kid like 8-9 i started developing paranoias, like that everyone was conjuring against me, or atleast about me. But i think this has to do with all the nightmares i had because of horror movies. I remember sleeping in the dark was impossible to me and that "crawling feeling" just out of my view became a constant in my early life nights, which went out at about 13-14 y/o when i first fell in love ( well that had been another psychodisaster later on but hey chill i won't go drama there and atleast it made the paranoias, nightmares and social poisons go away for some time and that felt good ). But i became so used to that kind of sensation at night that when i started to think about it at the light of the day, it somehow turned into paranoias, thoughts of chances i felt near and for that reason i couldn't eliminate from my mind ( i remember a period where i thought everyone could read minds but me, or atleast females. That was the worst ever since i started trying to control my thoughts in presence of any others and that required a lot of concentration and usually failed anyway, in the end i was just getting the opposite, and the only thing i could think about then was the thing i would never have wanted someone to see me thinking. Ok, whatever ). Also at high school i had quite some problems with some peers and that didn't really help my trust in humans as what they "should" ( ? ) be.
I could say more and more of this sort of things but i feel i went or maybe already stepped righteously into the "fuck-off" area and i also feel that, if you wanted to try answer my question, i gave enough infos. But ofcourse, if any is willing to give me feedback, i am willing to answer all the possible questions.
Thanks very much for your time and have a nice day ( for mods: if this post is OT for section just delete it and sorry )

I think you should go to a professional and talk to them about this. You may very well be on the spectrum. Or not.
I was 35 when I was diagnosed, and suddenly it seemed like all the pieces 'slid into place' for me. Even if you are an NT with some symptoms but not actually on the spectrum, you may learn valuable things both about yourself and about ASD on this forum, so do stick around!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!