An ironic discovery...(a "Hello. I'm New" post)

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First of all I would like to extend my gratitude to the supporters of this site. It is always a beautiful thing when individuals are able to recognize the inner workings of themselves and draw support from those of similar tooling.

2) Today I made a rather ironic discovery while suffering a mental breakdown over the outlook of my college and professional career. As per usual I found myself up early this morning in the attempt to catch up with life post a fancy free week of snow days, introspection, and worldly distraction. It was my goal today to hit the books, but I was having trouble getting in the zone, having tweaked my medication(specifically amphetamines and antidepressant) dosage the last few days. In the hopes of remedying this angst I caught the train early to school so as to study distraction free in the library. This, however, was not happening. So I did what I usually do-pour over my thoughts agnosiam(sp?), drink coffee, and write s**t, while scanning the internet for truth like Doc Jones and the grail. As the outlook of my day's academic ambitions began to go down the drain I found myself researching Asperger's Syndrome(can't remember why now). I have read about the disorder [briefly] before while researching information on ADD, depression, ect., but had never really given it any personal consideration. The whole autistic bent packaged with the ailment made it seem like an unlikely prognosis. However, as I gave the disorder some time I began to see many correlations between its symptoms and my own personal demons. Without going any further it would seem that this "disorder" more correctly defines my situation than any of my other medical diagnoses. I look forward to speaking with my psych. doctor about this insight.
I do have one question for all of you on the "wrong planet." In your experiences with life do you often experience hesitation or surprise from those whom you relate to on matters of poor psychiatric health. In other words: when you feel like things are internally out of control or you're unable to handle all tasks at hand do people(even doctors) observe this to be untrue about you and pass it off as laziness or self delusion. For example, Me: Hey Dude, I just can't handle this? Person: What are you talking about man? You're doing fine. OR Chill Man. Just do this, that, and the other(which turns out to be everything I absolutely cannot accomplish).

wow, it sounds like you have come across this in much the same way I have, although my discovery was while shelving books about it in the bookstore in which I worked.

And to answer your question, yes, exactly the same reponses, even from my then-girlfriend and the college shrink (who apparently was not familiar enough with AS to recognize the symptoms of AS when given to him in a list.)

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Welcome to WP,RostaFnk

Yes,at work I'm inwardly a nervous wreck,but colleagues have described me as 'laid back',
'cool' and 'you're the man' . I must have learned to appear like a serene swan on the
surface,while paddling frantically underneath.
I only learned about AS by accident as well,but it explained all my experiences

Ya, people seem to think I have things under control and no reason for me to keep "making things up" about what mental condition I think I have. To me, I very obviously do not internally have things "under control" nor "calm" nor "quiet." I'm a wreck inside and most can't see it.

And welcome to WP!

I would say yes to your question - and in two different respects.

1) I've frequently found myself in situations where people want me to do something they consider to be obvious, but which I find difficult, confusing, or, as you say, exactly the thing I can't do. Typically, they can't or won't explain how to complete the task and do not believe I have a geniune problem with it. That is, they interpret my behaviour as being malicious or deliberately difficult. Sometimes as arrogant or antisocial - when my intent is none of these.

2) I've frequently been in situations that appear to me to be completely and totally screwed up, but where I'm told everything is "normal" and there is some obvious course of action I should follow. However, the situation appears to me to be flawed and nonsensical and the expected course of action to have no effect in remedying any of its defects. When things finally go obviously wrong I am blamed for it, perhaps even more so because I anticipated it.

I think this has something to do with the way things are perceived "conventionally".

People either perceive me as 'capable' or 'idiot'. Doesn't seem to matter whether I know what I'm doing, or not ! !

I am the same, outwardly people at work see me as being soooo in control and on top of the game, whilst inside I feel I have no idea what I am doing and am on a merry go round. They just can't seem to grasp the fact that written instructions (in detail) are what I need to feel in control. I work in an Officeworks store in Cairns and to me it is a circus as we are always so busy that there isn't time to pause let alone plan. I recently was promoted to area merchandising co ordinator of the business machines section. I had one hour and 10 minutes training on the point of sale system.....well, what a hoot. Needless to say I spend a lot of time going round in circles looking very busy indeed!

Stop doing drugs, and you will have removed one of the things that is complicating your life. That will lessen the load, so that you can sort out the other complications in your life.

What part of my post would lead you to think that I use drugs? If you're talking about the amphetamines I was referring to my ADD medication.

Some around me would not guess. I do my job, and I do it well. and I keep pretty much to myself.
Others notice things. They think I have bi polar (I don't: when am I up?!), or rude (I do not try to be), or absent minded (I am), or arrogant (I try not to be), or just strange.
I do not know how many of my problems exist intrinsically and within my system, and how many of them are generated instead by my having to attempt to live within a social system with ever more restrictions and controlls and within which a person is supposed to fall into prefabricated niches of study, philosophy, work, recreation. Nothing fits me off the shelf. And life is a lot of extra work.
I don't think I would want Rx to assist. My sis takes 'em for her depression and bipolar and drops iq ten points while so chemically altered. I want to face life with full thrust available. 'Do not know how to make it on less than that. always seems like I am carrying a lot of ice on my wings anyway.
Good luck to all my bretheren!

In my experience I have found that by focusing more energy on understanding my own vision of self I am able to navigate through life's little quandaries and know when to ask for outside help. As many people on this site would most likely agree it is difficult to enlist in the status quo of treatment and diagnosis because it is often times an uncomfortable fit. We are all intelligent in our own right so accepting that our personal outlook may not bend with everyone else is not a negative thing. The true wisdom is in being able to relate ourselves to others in order to better jive with society at large. We naturally do this in many ways, but I feel as if the best way to shine is by simply putting oneself into the shoes of other human beings. This perspective can be achieved through a number of means. To handle this I like to look at my life as an opportunity much like a journalist would. We can all learn from everything around us, thus drawing in valuable perspective on the world at large. Use everything and love what you use. It could be music, film, text, or even sitting in a park. You just gotta keep taking chances and pushing your personal boundaries of comfort to sift out reality from fiction. I tell myself that as long as I wake up each morning even slightly wiser than the day before I have fulfilled my duties has a good human being. The rest seems to come together more or less. A good working combination of counseling and medication can really help bring this into focus as well. As a side note to that last comment I have been making huge personal strides lately utilizing the techniques associated with biofeedback along with my usual regimen. These techniques along with hypnotherapy, ect. can really help to make the mind more functional and dynamic. They have really helped me with getting over a lot of my neurotic feelings and barriers to success. Remember, unhappiness is simply your body telling you that what's going on in the present moment is either unhealthy or misunderstood. Live, love, and learn. We are all in this together.

"agnosiam"...did you mean ad nauseam?

Generally I think most people aren't too bright or aware of, or empathic toward others (all people, not just people within or without the Autistic spectrum), so people naturally don't want to take on the burdens of others' emotional issues. Thus, when you say to them, "I have this problem," their, "Dude, whatever" response stems from a basic inability to see past their own issues into the realms of other people.

So you have to be your own advocate, and not wait for permission from other people to be allowed to feel how you do, to take a break when you need to, or to break some heads if the situation calls for it.

Thanks for the correction. I think what you said should go without saying, but it is also the crux of the social problems discussed. So thanks again. I believe that the main point is that people often cope with the disdain they feel for the world around them in negative ways. Before anyone resorts to "breaking[ing] some heads" as if often the response they need to take an analytical approach to the problem at hand. In regards to autism this analyzation is something that is often done with greater frequency than most, but is often done to a degree to which it becomes obsessive and eventuallly unprodocuctive, hence the myriad of symtpoms(I apologize for the gross simplification of everything). It is my interpretation that with many of the "disorders" we all deal with there are inherent truths that can be easily seen as well as those not as readily accessible. By training the brain to more effectively "become" another person all of one's issues tend to decrease in severity. This of course is not the absolute answer, but merely a point to be made and examined.

So, this is a great forum!
Now, we start off having AS to varying degrees with a possible mix in of other issues (ADD etc.). from when we are born and all that..

THEN we live in various environments with various situations and attitudes, and cope, change adapt and modify with learned behavior to the point where huge divergences from a "virgin" state AS happens in how we appear to others!.. some of us look "laid back" to others but are a mess inside, others appear OCD, whatever!

So here I am, relating totally to the AS list of behaviors in ways I didn't even think possible based on childhood especially, and realizing that thru mentality and adaptive efforts, I now DO have emotion in my voice, gained by mimicing tv etc. and negative responses, I DO know that you should ask people how they are (especially since I can't read for s**t unless someone is crying). Of course if anyone wants to do anything I want to be an expert and help them.. and still research the s**t out of anything from buying shock absorbers for the jeep to where to go for vacation.. and still hate those little rattles that others ignore.. but what I LOOK like isnot the classical AS definition anymore..

And I am totally not saying this well.

However, whatever we might look like to folks from the outside, and the various adaptations we have all randomly made, the "guts" of our minds have some commonalities.. and the advantage of knowing that, wow, there are a whole bunch of other folks out there that have a set of similar difficulties, means that coping methods OTHERS developed may well help ourselves!

I have been on forums where others might share interests, be fans of something, whatever.. but this place gives me a chance to be with folks that share a reality!

big deal.

Welcome to WP,remember to psot,never post or spam.