If I get one more diagnosis I'll be normal

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Seriously,

I've been avoiding the autism label for a while now and it was easy for me. I didn't flap my hands and I was in total denial. And I knew nothing about Aspergers except for what I saw on Boston Legal. I was nothing like the guy with Aspergers. I don't have the extreme tics or extreme outbursts.

But I scored a 37 on the aspie test. And there is a youtube video, which I don't have a link to, where the woman is talking about women with aspergers and has a gazillion questions of which I answered yes to all but 24 of them. It would have been more but I've dealt with a major number of problems in therapy so they usually aren't an issue anymore.

So I sit with my hands stuffed between my legs. My entire life has been spent like that, or I'm rubbing my thumb across my nails, no flapping though and that's good because I have chickens and I already have enough other labels that if I started flapping they would take me away and put me in a nice little white coat that buttons in the back.

My OCD isn't washing my hands or checking the lights...it is much worse. I'm obsessive about fabric, books, downloads, writing information all over the place( I fill up notebooks) and I've got a stock of store receipts that I can't seem to get rid of (almost two years worth). I collect paper like I was fixing to start a recycling company. I read constantly and its a wonder I get anything done at all and the more stressed out I get the more I bury myself into reading or the internet. I moved down here with only what fit in the back of my pickup. I left behind half a carport full of books and half a house full of books and fabrics and notebooks.

At this point in my life I don't have ANY friends, unless you count my therapist up north. I just moved to FL. I still call him occasionally; however, because we did become friends. He and his wife came down to visit this year and it was a blast! He accepts me and doesn't treat me like I'm nuts. He specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He also warned me that if I started see a therapist here in FL that it would be more than likely they would want to dope me up. And it is true. I was living here previous to moving up north and that was the hugest problem of them all. Drugs that didn't help.

I've got two diagnosises that I live with MPD/PTSD. Then there is the bipolar thing but it's abnormal kind. Had a couple of doctors that wanted to stick me with that and put me on lithium (23 years ago) but it made me ill and then they told me never to reduce my salt intake so I eat a lot of pretzels and potato chips an stick my tongue out at the people on the TV that are always telling you to reduce your sodium intakes.

My husband says I isolate tooo much! I like isolation. Now, I like exploring as long as it doesn't include people. I like antique shops and thrift stores and the library if it isn't too busy. I used to live at the library before I got married.

I'm dyslexic but mostly in numbers. I don't know that I hear dyslexic even though I constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves but I do speak dyslexic. Word Salad is what I've been calling it for years. People will give me the strangest looks and I'll have to ask them what I said, but I'm starting to hear myself now.

And speaking of hearing...Noise started bothering me really bad back in 93 or 94. It makes me angry, anxious and its gotten worse as I get older and I don't understand why. A lot of times I'll end up in tears because I can't make other people not make noise although a lot of times I'd really like to. I pray a lot.

It is now 5 in the AM and I need to get to sleep. I didn't realize it was so late and if I keep writing, I'll have no reason to come back, LOL!
Hopefully, I can go to sleep.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you!

I was beginning to worry that I had offended somebody but I didn't know how to fix it if I did.

welcome to wp. I would stim, with the hand flapping scenario as a child/teen but mostly because it was soothing and I liked the sound. I learned quickly that this was not good (getting in trouble for it at public schools) so I conditioned myself to sit on my hands, rub my fingertips with my thumbs, wring my hands, even leg bouncing or foot flapping when I could get away with it. Some people learn quickly about stimming (self stimulation behavior such has hand flapping, etc.) and learn to curb it even before they realize it is a symptom of AS. I just learned to switch up as needed and eventually control it for the most part. Never realized what it was or why.

I hope you find the ccommunity you need here

Oh, I've been flapping my foot since, well...for so long I can't remember. My mother did it obsessively too. Never even thought of it being a part of AS it is normal to me and if I don't have people making comments about it I don't notice it.

Since I isolate quite a bit, most of the time, I'm not around people that will make comments except for my husband.

I think I have found the community I need. In AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) they say, "You are not alone anymore", but AA never made me feel that way because I wasn't even normal as an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic, but I still didn't fit in.

They tend not to be very accepting of "problems other than alcoholism", because the majority of them have the attitude that they just drank too much without any underlying causes.

Me, I had a ton of underlying causes.

I feel like I've come home now. I'm not alone anymore.