New member - probably Aspie but wish I never found out

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Hello everyone. I just signed up. Lurked for the last day or two. I normally lurk for weeks or months before posting in a new forum, but I couldn't wait. I'm not sure how much I'll post after this. I'm not feeling too good about this whole aspie thing. I only very recently heard about AP and then realized how many of the symptoms I have. Unlike most of the people here I wish that I never heard of it. How can knowing help me at all? It just makes it easier to give up when things get tough. I have no desire to ever be diagnosed. I don't really know what to do.

I do have a (stupid, but serious) question for everyone. I've always heard that you should shake a persons hand firmly when you meet them and look them directly in the eye when you talk to them. Normally I tend to shy away from eye contact, but I try to look in peoples eyes as much as possible especially during job interviews, business meetings, etc..

My question is what exactly am I supposed to be looking for?

I normally look at people in the direction of their eyes, but I really just kind of stare through them. Now from reading these forums it seems like the reason that people look at each others eyes is to pick up on non-verbal communication. For some reason I never knew that. I only followed the literal direction to "look people in the eye" . Can someone explain what I'm supposed to look at specifically (eyes, eyebrows?, mouth?) and for what reason? I think that I could pick some stuff up and I sometimes do, but if I knew more about what I was supposed to be looking for I could probably do better. Or maybe this is something that's innate and I don't have the ability to do it and shouldn't even try? Do people really consider this to be important?

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Eye-contact is important, but takes practice. I started with a kind of whole-face contact thing, wherein you look in the vicinity of a person's eyes without actually boring holes into their retinas--that is, without fixing the muscles of the eyes into a locked position. But I don't think it's essential to stare directly at the eyes, you can kind of look around where the eyes are located--the brows, the bridge of the nose, etc.

The fast look-and-then-look-away thing works for me--flick your eyes to the face, in the vicinity of the eyes, and then away again. But when and if your eyes actually meet the other person's, show that you're a)conscious of that fact, by reacting to it in some way, and b)happy about it, by offering a "genuine" smile, or some other positive-type expression. That isn't hard to do, it just requires you to be paying sharp, keen attention to timing and detail.

Hi WCHandy,

I have trouble with the eye contact thing too. I think it is innate with NT's (neuro-typicals) but it's something that we can learn. NT's seem to like it When you look at someone you're not actually looking for anything, try thinking of it as them wanting to see your eyes.
This is how I go through the whole greeting rigmarole - handshake, smile, look in their eyes, just for a short time, it's just a glance that's required really. It takes practice to get the timing right but if the other person looks away first that's OK, don't worry about it.

A good way to learn NT behaviour is to watch them. You'll notice that two old friends greeting each other with a handshake (and maybe a hug) will do the eye contact for longer than two strangers meeting.

Welcome to WP.

Hi WCHandy & welcome to WP.

Your questions certainly aren't stupid. Eye contact is a very difficult thing for people with AS, but can be overcome with practice. Starr & karusu have some good advice, and put it more succinctly than I would!

I guess on the knowing about AS, it helped me in that it made me happier with myself, because I have a recognised condition. Before that, I just thought I was just a bit of an oddball. WP has been an enormous help, because I see that other people are in the same position as me, and I'm just not quite so lonely anymore.

There are a lot of self diagnosed people here, me being one of them. Generally, I think most people aren't far wrong with their self-diagnosis. There are on-line AS tests as well.

Happy browsing, and once again welcome

Knowing you are not alone helps.

If you are young enough, it can help you plan your life. Don't choose a career that depends on good social skills, for instance.

Also, you can explain to those who are important to you, family, significant others, etc., that the things they notice about you aren't your fault, that it is the way you are.

I am not sure about this for sure, but it would probably be better to find someone with Asperger's to be friends with, as a NT won't normally understand you. Same thing applies to spouses. On my third marriage, I apparently stumbled onto or was instinctively attracted to someone who probably has AS as well, and it has really worked out for us.

I am not interested in getting an official diagnosis from a specialist. It would only confirm what I strongly suspect and not otherwise help me. Maybe I'm wrong here.

I am 54 years old and only recently found out about this myself. I am a little bitter about the whole thing, but on the whole, I am glad I found out.

Eye contact is very difficult to master but you will get through it the people here are amazing and very supportive we will help you in any way. Welcome to wp.

Getting diagnosed doesn't exactly improve your situation any. Me, I just obsess over it and start to blame my troubles on the diagnosis. Then again, I also think it just some new syndrome to label people with.

Thanks to everyone for the replies and encouragement.

I incorrectly mentioned yesterday that I make eye contact, but that I tend to look through people in the direction of their eyes. I noticed today that in fact I don't even do that. I don't even look at the face of the person that I'm talking to. I look kind of off to the side or at their torso. I only know this because I made a conscious effort to make eye contact while talking with a co-worker today. I was surprised to find that I couldn't do it when I first tried. I felt sure that I had done it regularly, but if today was any indication I certainly have not. Eventually I was able to look at his eyes by going slowly closer. Torso to neck, then back to the torso and then chin, torso-face, and finally torso to his eyes. It turns out that he was already looking at my eyes, but as soon as we made eye contact he immediately looked away. I tried it again a few seconds later. That time he didn't look away, but I did after maybe 3 seconds or so.

I feel somewhat confident that I could do that fairly consistently in normal conversations with some effort. I'll have to try it a few more times to be sure. It might be harder (or maybe easier?)with someone that I don't know.

I do not feel confident that I could ever maintain a gaze long enough read any non-verbal communication. Therefore the only reason to make eye contact would be to make the person that I'm talking to at ease.

Boy! that eye contact thing. I have trained myself to do eyecontact with the mundanes. However two points thuss: 1. I still feel like pressure waves from the NTs eyes will surely explode my head, 2. I don't get and useful data from it.
But i\I think I like knowing of Asperger's. I have been carrying a little left rudder my entire life, and whilst the Aspie thing doesn't get to initial causality, at least I know that I am not alone. Welcome aboard, from an Aspie (self diagnosed with the online test mumbers to prove it) more newbie than you.
Remember this" Aspies are better than people!

nutbag (I am a nut, and I am a 53 yr old female - and so demonstrated my toughness)