Greetings and confusion from a 39 yr old in Bonnie Scotland!

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Greetings and confusion from Bonnie Scotland!
This is my first post.
I'm very glad to be a member of the forum and part of the wrong planet community.
I'm looking for some answers.
I'm a 39 year old male from Scotland who has just had the results of his ASD assessment today and I'm a little underwhelmed to say the least.
I'd been waiting for an assessment for three years...I'd already initially completed the AQ test developed by Simon Baron-Cohen online when I lived in Wales and scored higher than 32.
I then moved to Scotland and was referred by my GP to a clinical psychologist due to the mental health problems that I have been experiencing.
I undertook the AQ test again as requested by my psychologist and was promptly referred to the ASD team where I undertook a more in-depth written questionnaire and they asked me some questions about my life and childhood (although not much about my childhood tbh!)
The result that came back was that I had failed to meet the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome but that I did display some autistic traits but not enough for a definite diagnosis.
It had also crossed the mind of the psychologist that I maybe suffering from adult ADD but that it was difficult to diagnose due to my age and history of depression, alcohol and drug use.
If I'm being honest I was gobsmacked...as was my wife (who was with me)...because I was sure that I would get get some kind of definite diagnosis even if it wasn't Aspergers Syndrome.
I was left feeling very lost and had more answers after I left than before I went in...especially after waiting so long.
I was offered CBT (which I'm going to take) and will get an appointment next year where I will request a copy of the report and also ask how they came to that conclusion.

A little background and information about me.

I didn't walk or crawl until I was at least 18 months old.
Even though my speech and diction is excellent I developed a bad stammer when I started playschool (kindergarten) which improved over time but even now I tend to stammer a little bit and repeat my words especially when I'm excited.
I have always been the black sheep of the family...I am an only child...perceived as odd, socially awkward...ostracized...one of my first memories is one of my cousins ringing up the house and asking my other cousins who were staying with us if they would play with him but being told that he didn't want me there.
I was bullied mercilessly throughout primary school and then comprehensive school...abused physically and mentally...spat at, punched, kicked, dragged around the school playground with a rope around my neck.
Throughout my teenage years I was so shy I was almost mute.
My alienation and shyness led me to experiment with drugs and also led me to hang around with the wrong crowd.
Even though I am highly intelligent I left school with virtually no qualifications and have had difficulties holding down a job...I have been fired many times due to being unable to function in a work environment.
I have sensory problems...certain loud repetitive sounds I find distressing (hoovers, engines, children screaming!)...I also have problems with bright lights.
I have problems reading facial expressions...sometimes I don't recognize people I should know.
However, I do get sarcasm...although I tend to take things a little literally...when I was in a hot tub with another guy once...two pretty girls entered...he made a comment about the temperature rising (referring to the girls)...I checked the temperature of the water...doh!
Even though I am a kind, caring person I find it difficult putting myself in other peoples shoes and sometimes have very little empathy.
Throughout my childhood I was constantly referred to being 'lost in my own world'.
I am very much a loner...I find solitude comforting...much to the detriment of my wife.
I have always found social situations difficult...uneasy...difficulty with social cues...inappropriate conversation and comments...I usually coped in these situations with drugs and alcohol.
Even though I lost my virginity at 14 years old and had numerous sex partners over the years...this was down to my good looks at that young age rather than my personality as I was completely hopeless at chatting up girls (reading cues, flirting etc) and didn't have my first long term regular girlfriend until last year...I was 38 years old...we met online and got married within a couple of months of meeting.
I can spend long periods on my laptop...10-12 hours at a time...yet I am also easily distracted and have the concentration span of a goldfish.
I would love to be a writer...but have difficulty writing and reading fiction and also have difficulty with being able to concentrate.
I was a talented actor...won a scholarship to a top drama school in London...studied for three years but failed to find an agent and never worked as an actor...I put this down to my inability to network, not coming across well in auditions...I just could not get to grips with the whole ass-kissing business...the acting business is very touchy-feely and perversely actually very conservative...I enjoyed the acting side of the things but got disillusioned with the other side of the business.
I haven't worked in nearly five years...I had a nervous breakdown in 2009 due to among other things being bullied by managers and certain colleagues in my last job...I am not entitled to any benefits and I am now virtually unemployable.
My physical and mental health has been ruined by drugs and alcohol due to self-medicating....however I am currently clean and free of drugs and alcohol.
I got into the rave scene in my teens...used LSD, MDMA and speed regularly for years...mainly Ecstasy.
I have experimented with DMT and Mushrooms...this may have contributed to my weirdness.
I was addicted to cocaine, crack and alcohol for ten years whilst living in London because of the stress and because I was miserable and self-medicating.
I've had numerous bouts of severe depression over the years.
My main obsessions are reading about dead famous people and memorizing facts about them...rock stars, writers etc...Brain Jones, Keith Moon, Syd Barrett, Joe Orton...
I could tell you everything about Joe Orton...his parents names, where he grew up, his tattoo, how he died etc...but never read one of his plays even though I had his complete works sitting on my shelf...strange no?

I am thinking about asking for a second opinion...but maybe I'm looking for something that isn't there?
I left the appointment today thinking that I was just a complete f**k-up and a weirdo...very depressing.
I am definitely going to ask for a copy of the report...what I found frustrating was the vagueness of the assessment...yes I did have/might have some autistic traits...you might be/maybe have some problems...definitely not Aspergers (apparently)...but in the words of the psychologist, "Would it really matter if you were diagnosed as positive...you'd still be in exactly the same position...nothing would have changed."
Well that's alright then!

I feel quite low.
Has anybody else been in this position themselves?
Anybody got any advice?

Thanks,

Will

could you write non-fiction?

It seems that the whole diagnostic process is often wildly arbitrary and can vary widely from one mental health professional to another and even seems to be held to slightly different criteria from one country to the next. It's really tough to find a professional who has experience with Autistic adults, because the vast bulk of the research on autism has been with children and it presents so very differently in adults who've been forced to learn to HIDE it for years and years, by being PUNISHED for exhibiting anomalous social behaviors.

The most ridiculous notion, that I have seen described repeatedly here on WP, is that someone who recognizes the fact that they aren't able to fit in anywhere socially is somehow "too self-aware" to be autistic - to my understanding, the very definition of HIGH FUNCTIONING takes for granted that you're able to get by well enough to have some social interaction, just none that's very competent or satisfactory. If you're a drooling shoe-gazer, that's not very functional at all, is it?

Besides, you can't reach adulthood as a socially dysfunctional individual and NOT know that you're dysfunctional, because your entire life everybody around you has been TELLING you that you're a social pariah. It's hard to miss when your nose is being rubbed in it every day. People are fairly nice to the obviously intellectually challenged and cut them a lot of slack, so I can believe they could reach adulthood and not truly understand the full extent of their mental impairment, but people with Asperger Syndrome are not intellectually impaired - that's why Hans Asperger referred to his patients as "Little Professors" - and it's difficult to miss (or misunderstand) remarks like "What the F__K is WRONG with you!?"

Apparently the schools that train Psychologists and Psychiatrists are not doing a very good job of instilling any sort of diagnostic standard in their students and many of them are graduating without a clear comprehension of just what Asperger Syndrome is. Many of them seem to have the impression that it's essentially the same as Classic Kanner's Autism and it's not. The internal handicaps may be nearly identical, but the external manifestation is radically different because we are not intellectually impaired.

Some Aspergians take issue with those who self-diagnose, my attitude is more laissez-faire - I think if your intelligence is high enough to read and comprehend the diagnostic criteria and you immediately recognize yourself without a doubt, you're probably right. When you've lived with those issues your entire life, you're better qualified to know than some egghead who's read about it enough to pass an exam in college, but has never experienced it for him or her self, or lived with anyone who has.