Some kind of HFA with Criminal Tendencies

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I don't know where to start. Everything that was ever weird about my Dad reads like an autism checklist. I'm a reclusive cartoonist who hasn't made a friend in 15 years, other than my wife and kids. Everything weird about me reads like an autism checklist. I'm 41; my father hated being a dad and my mother wished I was never born. Kids teased me mercilessly for being a know it all, acting like animals during play or acting like Hulk. I got beat up frequently and by the time I was 10, I had enough. Two boys beat me up during the second week of a new school and I ran all the way home, crying. My mother scolded me for not fighting back and shortly after that I started punching a duffle bag in the garage and lifting my dad's rusty old wieghts. By the time I hit junior high, I was making the team and bullying others whenever I felt anxious or overwhelmed.

I've spent the last 2 decades hating myself, except for my wonderful wife, life holds very little joy for me. My art doesn't make any money and I hate myself for not being even moderately successful. We have two kids that I adore. Little girl is NT but my boy has been referred for further assessment. I'm really happy for him, I don't want him to slip through the cracks like I did. Everything weird about him reads like an autism checklist too. But I refuse to let the world punish him for it like it did me. He tests my patience but I feel like doing right by him somehow is the key to nurturing my own inner child in a way that nobody ever did before.

He's in the process of being diagnosed and I'm going to see someone in mental health about my own diagnosis in Jan. I've taken every online test available for autism, I score in the high 90% range and the circumference of my head is in the 98% range while my son's is off the charts. Our skulls are elongated out the back like Giger aliens but we never have headaches. I love him so much but I'm so scared I won't be able to prepare him for independent living after I die. I've never learned it myself, without my wife, I wouldn't be able to function in society.

I still feel like a teenager, I never grew up. When people tease me or confuse me with sarcasm, I over react and physically intimidate them. I still lift weights and study Kung fu, so people often threaten to call the cops when I raise my voice. Sometimes I don't make a fuss at all in those situations but then I hate myself for days afterwards for letting people take advantage of me.

In kindergarten I got an award for exuberance but I'm getting tired of life being so overwhelming. Sunlight, noise, smells, a constant struggle to be comfortable in my own skin. Fatigue, anxiety and irritability is a cocktail of battery acid on my soul. My back was fractured in a car accident when I was 17 and it never healed properly so that hurts all the time too

I white knuckle my way through happiness everyday, my name is Liam Rodgers and people hate me for who I am.

OK, do not panic.

While you can not change the past, you can change the future.

My advice is try make sure you keep your temper under control. This is the most important thing, if you can keep your temper under control then unless you have already a problem with the local police then if they call the police it may backfire on them. If the police come out to see you then my advice is to greet them in a polite way and deal with them calmly. Try to send them away thinking that the other person is wasting their time with a nonsense phone call by being calm, reasonable and sensible.

I do not know how well known it is that you do Kung Fu, if I was you I would not advertise it to others. As long as you can control your temper and not become violent then I think it is OK that you carry on doing it. The danger I see is that if you are known as the man who lifts weights and does Kung Fu then you will get a lot of little men who are trying to make themselves look big by picking a fight with the "local hardman".

I would think long and hard about the following question, maybe you do not want to answer it. But have you done anything criminal yet, if you have then you need to be more careful as the US has some very punative laws. The US criminal legal system seems to revolve around punishment for the sake of revenge on the criminal rather than the idea of reforming a person or protecting society.

I used to be a hated man, people took a great dislike to me. I tried to be something I was not, when I moved from one town to another I took the chance to have a clean break. I then tried to be just like me, I found that my life was better being me. I suspect that living under siege from the school bullys made you put on a big act to scare the wits out of them, this hardman act is now having a harmful effect on you.

My advice is make yourself known for something other than being the local hardman, do not try to be anything you are not. I guess that you will not be able to pass as a flower wearing poet, but think long and hard about who and what you are deep inside. I warn you that the process of working out who and what you are (and getting a diagnosis) can be a painful process which makes you reflect at length on who and what you are. For me it was one of the most stressful experiences of my life, it made question who and what I am and my whole belife strucutre.

I do not know what you do for a living. I guess from the way that you write that you are in the USA, you write that you are an artist. Is that a hobby or a job for you ?

If someone harms your interests then my advice is stay well away from that person, while it is not a dramatic method of dealing with the problem it does prevent them doing you further harm.

I've never heard of the "circumference of the head" test for autism before. New one on me.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Thanks for the advice, my temper has been out of control for decades until a few months ago when I started to realize I was on the spectrum. My personality took a real hit but I lost a lot of self loathing and with it a lot of my resentment and anger is gone too. We recently moved to a new town in BC (I'm Canadian) but I am a full blown misanthrope (have been for 10 years) so nobody knows me or my capabilities. On two occasions recently, I've debated with GP's who don't want to address autism as the underlying cause of some of my comorbid behavior like depression and anxiety. I never threaten them physically or even swear at them but I will stand up and look them right in the eye and tell them they're observational skills are lacking and that they are nothing more than a sophisticated Pez dispenser. I'm sure my body language is intimidating without me invading their personal space because they threaten to call the police of I don't stop debating and leave.

I don't interact with anyone socially other than my wife and kids.



Never been charged with any crime, other than possession of alcohol when I was a minor. My adoration of comic book superheroes led to the basis of my morality, I could never rationalize victimizing another person. Although I have no compunctions about correcting people who I perceive as ignorant...



You are right on the money about the hardman act as a defensive mechanism. Some military leader said something along the lines of perceived weakness breeds aggression in others and they were absolutely right. In 12 years of public education, I went to 8 different schools because my parents moved a lot and I learned that lesson very quickly.

I agree with your approach in theory and that the hardman act is doing more harm than good but my problem is it's the only act I know. I can't be myself around people, I'm a self absorbed a**hole who is quick to judge others. I'm more concerned with the truth than someone else's feelings. Hopefully, I can get some counselling from Mental Health but I'm afraid they're just going to focus on the symptoms like depression/anxiety/anger without dealing with the underlying cause and giving me tools rather than drugs to deal with my reality. There's nothing I hate more in life than being misrepresented/dismissed/pigeonholed.

My Aspie score: 185 of 200
My neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200

AQ score = 41



As I mentioned earlier, I'm Canadian and I'm a cartoonist who writes, draws and publishes graphic novels and it's more like a religion than a job. I just finished my first one but I don't know how well it's going to sell because my storytelling is so unconventional. I'm talented but I'm terrified my work isn't going to be appreciated anytime during my lifetime and I won't be able to financially contribute much to my wife and kids, or I won't be able to be happy if my work fails to find an audience.

Ah well, one day at a time.

I wouldn't say it's a test, per se but when ever I take my son to get checked up and especially when he went to a paediatrician to get recommended for further autism assessment, his doctors are always keen to measure my noggin too. I think they just find it fascinating/interesting coincidence.