Howdy. And, uh. Downer entry post.

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Howdy!

Not quite sure what to say here. I'm a 30-year-old woman who's suspected since forever that something was 'off' with my father, and have for the past 10 years thought said thing is probably Asperger's. I've never felt like he had emotions I could understand, he's always withdrawn from the family and becomes panicked and defensive if we try to include him, he'll have short rage (but not violent--except for once or twice toward animals) attacks that come out of nowhere and scared me to death as a kid (and I'm still scared of him as an adult, even though he hasn't done it around me for years). My mother's an overcompensating hyper-practical hyper-effective people-loving wonderperson, as some spouses of non-neurotypicals seem to be from what I've read.

Where I'm going with this is that I just got off of a very short, rather silly marriage (my first genuine relationship, my first same-sex relationship, and a number of other complicated factors), and scared myself to death by acting 'like my father' in a lot of ways while we were together, including withdrawing and sulking, attacking her verbally when I felt emotionally vulnerable, not listening well, being extremely resistant to change, failing to keep promises or take on new tasks, looking to her to identify my emotions for me, and being extremely emotionally needy, dependent, and clingy. I feel like I used her to 'feel human' and make decisions for me.

I'm mostly just scared. I miss my spouse terribly even though I chose to divorce her, and my father has been the person I least understand and who has most hurt me (emotionally) in my life (though perhaps it's less him as a person than living in the odd tense limbo land of his and my mother's relationship) and now I feel like I'm 'like him.' I spent most of my teen years diagnosed as depressive and OCD, had few friends (none, really) and kept myself deliberately ostracized, made the world's best grades, finally had a nervous breakdown and finished school from home because it was too much pressure... I feel like everything I touch I'm doomed to have my brain lock up eventually and end up short-circuiting and crying in a corner, or be too rigid and get myself locked out of things because I can never accept other people or opportunities. Mostly I see my father unemployed ('accidentally retired') and my mother scrambling to work and be his sole emotional social contact, and think of how hard she had to work to raise me (I'm the only one of three siblings who's left the house and stayed out and she had to bend over backwards to push me through school and college)--and fear that I will drain someone else as my mother has let my father drain her. After hurting my ex and myself so much in our relationship, I feel like I'm just going to be killing time for the rest of my life keeping my distance from people as though I were contaminated, while limping along just well enough to have my own apartment and survive. I'm not sure I have Asperger's, but the more I look at my behavior throughout my life, the more I suspect it, and it makes me horribly sad.

So. Uh. I also like reading books in German and cats?

And I do plan to seek out treatment. (I've been on drugs for OCD before.) Just the road ahead looks very lonely, and a lot less exciting than I hoped the road I would be walking would be, as a kid.

Welcome on WP

Take heart and good luck ! If you find out you do have AS, it means that you are far from the only one, that the road will probably be difficult but not necessarily lonely or unexciting, and that you can tap into the knowledge, wisdom and experience of those who came before (and kindly shared it in books, articles, forum posts, etc.) to take control of your own life. I am 29 and I am waiting for an assessment, but I am fairly certain I have an ASD. I think life was very hard for people like your father (and therefore for those who had to live with him) who grew up in an age when Aspergers was virtually unknown and autism in general much less studied. (I think I probably missed an early diagnosis myself by only a few years.) Fortunately the situation is much better for us and there is a variety of resource we can use!

you see what mistakes you made in your marriage. most of those things you can change, for example, being clingy and lashing out when you feel vulnerable. your future isn't written in stone. you have awareness. you are willing to get help. sounds like your future has lots of opportunity.

Welcome. I can relate, though I am the male offspring of an autistic woman. I also have AS.

Thank you all for the kind responses! I was slow to reply because I felt bad about sounding so hurt at a bunch of strangers--thinking I was just OCD/depressive was never as hard as thinking that I really have been processing differently from others my entire life and it wasn't just a case of being 'smart,' a 'tomboy,' or the new girl (I'm was a military brat).

@ouroborosUK I think you're very right, that my father's generation had very few coping tools available to them. My father grew up in a tiny rural household where his father suffered from the results of being in WWII and his mother (I'm guessing) also had Asperger's or something on the spectrum. From what little I've heard of her, she rarely spoke and didn't show much obvious care to her two children. So he didn't get much support in his youth, and then my mother married him and had no idea what to do with him, except to feel betrayed by the stark contrast between her own parents' clearly loving marriage and her own. He didn't talk to her for the whole first year they were married! Or let her use his car. Coming from the rural Midwest, I'm guessing he grew up thinking his family was practical, penny-wise, etc., and that he was behaving in a way that was better, not just different. And I think more than anything else, for both of my parents, it's extremely painful to think that me and my siblings may be on the spectrum--which is the clear jump as soon as either of them acknowledges that my father is. I'm hoping that if I start seeking treatment (quietly, because both parents and siblings hate it if I suggest I might have Asperger's), I may improve enough that they'll consider finding help for themselves, too. Or at least start thinking about it.

@cathylynn I hope you're right. Right now, I'm dealing with not obsessing over her. It's tough. Most days, I'd say I think about her and what I should have/could have done differently for at least a few hours, as though there'd be an opportunity to fix it in the future. There won't be, and I wouldn't want it, and I have to accept that.

@em_tsuj Mothers sound harder to me, as far as autistic parents. My father got to slide by as that incomprehensible figure, the Midwestern-type father (think a much more awkward, physics-oriented version of the father in Signs or The Christmas Story); cliches about men provided a cover for no one thinking too hard about his emotional distance, at first. I'd think it would be clearer to everyone, with a mother. It's part of why I don't think I'll ever have kids. I'd hate to be cold or erratic to my own children, when I spend and have spent so much of my time wanted to be cared about and accepted.

As the 'net says, I have feels. Many of them.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet and good luck. But it's worth stating:

1.) As stated, your future is not set in stone. You get to make the decisions in your life. Even if you have Asperger's syndrome, you are not Asperger's syndrome. You are a person; you get make decisions. You can help to change your future into more of what you want it to be.

2.) Don't be terrified of having Asperger's syndrome. You are you and will always be you. Your faults now will still be your faults if you get a diagnosis, and more importantly your strengths will still be your strengths if you should get the diagnosis. It is far more important that you embrace who you are. If you have Asperger's, there's nothing wrong with you. My advice is to follow the flow of the river; by this, I mean you shouldn't fight yourself and try to be someone that you aren't. It sounds corny, but you have to accept yourself, and that's true whether or not you have Asperger's. It's really important to accept yourself and work to make your life the kind of life that you want to live.

3.) So with that said, if you're worried about hurting people around you --well, you will. You will if you're NT, and you will if you aren't. Even still, we're prone to sometimes cause our strong emotional states to hurt people; I doubt any of us want to hurt people around us, and this is probably 99% of the reason why actor aspies become actor aspies. If you don't want to hurt people and are worried that you're failing at this, then you can learn to not be so insecure and you can learn to control your emotions. My advice would be to start some threads on here discussing your situation and try to get some feedback on how to correct your behavior. You can also use psychological counseling to help. There's a lot of options if you're very serious about this.

Welcome

As you read stories from more and more posts online, you'll find many of us follow a similar trend to yours. Many Aspies start with difficult beginnings, and have to learn to understand NT behaviour. Most people find that a better understanding will bring clarity, and talking with others who can relate, can be quite liberating.

Hope you settle in nicely!

@thewizard You're right on all points. It's going to take me a bit to adjust, because I've lived my life with the whole "You're very smart, you can do anything" feedback from both my parents and my teachers. They become mystified and sad when I break down--as do I. I've tended to think, well, if I just somehow manage to learn to do x, y, or z or if I push myself to do x, y, or z, I can become a 'normal person' and get over myself and this constant feeling of pressure, panic, and insufficiency from within myself will go away. It sounds now like it won't, unless I stop trying to bang a square peg into a round hole and reach out to get support, look hard at myself, and give myself room to imagine a different sort of life in the future than the one I've been failing to reach. And also to acknowledge that I will need help as I go, and that it's okay to ask for it; that I can't 'solve' myself and then reintroduce myself to my friends and family as Fully-competent NT Woman and apologize for ever being 'weird' and difficult.