Hi , new here :)

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Hi, I have been browsing this forum for the past few days and have decided to share my story and introduce myself.
I have a hard time cutting things short (I work on two modes, off or on , haha) so this will probably be long winded so I apologize in advance. I am a stay at home Mom in my (almost) mid 30s

A few days ago, someone posted a link on an article on diagnosing Adult Autism. I decided to do the test for fun, i figured I was the opposite of whatever being on the spectrum meant .I scored shockingly high. So I found another test with more questions and the result was even higher.
While I know that an online test is not a diagnosis, the more I read (it became my new obsession ) the more I am certain that I somehow fall on this spectrum. I have always had problems getting on in life, I was diagnosed as BPD in my 20s, but at the time I was also a heavy drinker and left out a lot of childhood details because I thought they were irrelevant .

I am not looking for anyone to confirm it to me, I understand no on can actually do that here , but I guess I just feel this need to share with someone because I am sure I am right and my family will not listen (my husband does agree though, very much so, lol)

1- Started talking at an early age, large vocabulary

2- Never smiled at the right times (or laughed ), for example when opening presents , I was thrilled but did not see why that would result in a smile (pictures after the age of 6 have me mostly plastered with a horrible fake smile to appease my Mother, )
To be honest, I find smiles menacing , terrified of clowns, dummies, dolls, etc. I often have hard time telling a sneer from a smile....

3- I liked other kids just fine, but if they did not want to play what I wanted to play, or at least let me direct them in play, I had zero interest in them (I adored adults, and especially my grandmothers friends) I also had a vivid imaginary life that lasted until my teens, I liked my real friends but often preferred to play with my pretend ones or hide away reading. I sometimes found being well liked and popular to be burdensome and annoying, even though I loved my friends.

4- I learned how to act by watching tv, I thought everyone did this, but turns out...... not so much.
I still love mostly character drama type shows, same with books. I have long been VERY interested in human interaction and behavior . I thought up until recently that I was good at reading people, I have an uncanny ability to size people up, I used to think this was some sort of 6th sense or talent, I realize now that this is probably due to years of observation and I am actually NOT using my intuition as I originally thought, but maybe my reasoning skills (I just happen to be able to do it very quickly making it appear that it is some sort of mysterious talent)

5- ocd in early childhood, this became worse after starting school, tics, compulsions , rituals , number obsessions, etc. I have mostly learned to stop these, but I still need to stretch my fingers and tap each finger tip to my thumb in a certain pattern. I also need to jump, I have been like this since forever. I need to jump alone, and if a few days go by that I cannot just jump for a good 30 minutes I feel the anxiety building up.

6- I did not seem to learn to read like other children, I was a very advanced reader and just remember being able to read, phonics still seem illogical to me for some reason ( maybe because there are so many exceptions and silent letters) I realize now that I learned to read through memorization.

7- I had pretty bad sensory issues, mostly sounds and lights, I have learned to control these , but its hard

8 - I could not pay attention in class yet seemed to do pretty well generally speaking and did not fit the ADD profile, so the teachers just tried to push me more, when I got to high school this all went down hill and I was not able to function as well. The teachers were annoyed that I had a very high IQ and seemed to do so well in some classes (100% in English and French language , then would fail miserable in math or history , I would not even go to gym because I did not see the point, if I suddenly had an interest in what we were learning on one class, my grades might shoot up to 90s and then drop back to failing)

9-I was angry a lot in high school, angry at people who bullied so I would pick fights with them , I ended up in the principles office a lot. I got angry with teachers because I felt I was smarter than them (I realize now they probably just thought differently than me, but I am a lot older and wiser) My math teachers especially made me angry because I would often get the right result, but the formula was not what he wanted. I often seemed to have the right answer but not the right formula. I basically just stopped going to class because it was very frustrating.

I went to school with the same kids from kindergarten until high school, this served me well and made it easier for me to appear normal I believe.
I was well liked and we were only 200 students, I knew I had severe social anxiety (my biggest issue was that I could feel everyones pain and embarrassment intensely) but I hid it by acting normal and not hanging out with too many people, I was friends with everybody but not really friends with everybody. I was very bossy with rigid thinking so it was hard for people to get too close to me. I had no idea how to dress, but luckily my mother has very good taste so I never really stood out as being different in that respect . I had a few friends who knew the real me, I am still friends with them actually.

My 20s were chaotic, I was in a social service job, I saw it like an acting job. So I was outgoing, witty and the most social person in the world at work and great at eye contact , but outside of work I could not order my food in restaurants , deal with people , make eye contact etc. My anxiety was crippling at this point. I took on social job after social job, always abruptly quitting during a meltdown when it got to be too much. I was often a model employee so it was hard for people to understand why I did this. (I ended up having a pretty severe breakdown eventually )
I now do a pretty menial job once a week, I love it, its soothing, and I am also a stay at home Mom, both of these chosen paths seem to be working out pretty well for me so far.
My life has also been riddled with intense interests, when I was a little kid it was often house blue prints and social behaviour , I become obsessive and they often fizzled out , some lasted. (like the latter ) I monologue, I interrupt people all the time and then obsess about it.
I like being alone, I need solitude very often, I also love people though, but in short bursts . I have horrible executive functioning skills, I am either only focused on the big picture, or only focused on the details.
If we have a social event on the weekend, it takes me all week to get over it, since I have been learning lately to say no to these things, I feel less anxious and happier, almost like I am returning to the more happier times of my earlier childhood.
I have no interest in becoming more social at this point, I see what it did to me and want to focus more on myself and finding the person I was before I started forcing myself to be a ¨social¨ person. I just do not think I am cut out for it

Phew, that was a looong one, sorry ! I am still trying to piece together who I am so I felt like I had a lot to share

welcome to WP. your post was long but easy to read.

Welcome to the forum, island1950.

Yes, your intro was a long read, but an enjoyable one. I liked the bit about your husband agreeing "very much" with a possible ASD diagnosis. Sometimes a diagnosis makes them happier than it makes you.

My psychologist once told me that everyone likely has at least one or two ASD traits to some degree. As an adult, a formal diagnosis might be useful for you if you're seeking help with managing some of your traits or if you're looking into getting government assistance. But it's not always necessary.

Even so, identifying ASD traits in yourself can also be a way of finding like-minded people. People on the autism spectrum are a diverse bunch, and hopefully you'll find some people here whose experiences you can relate to.

My biggest issue with getting a diagnosis is that I do not have very much faith in a lot of doctors. My daughter has a physical disability, we saw it from infancy but were rebuffed by the doctors as being paranoid parents, of course, as you can guess, we were not and she DOES have a disability (I may be ultra observant and suffer from OCD, but I am not in the least bit paranoid, as odd as that seems to a lot of people , they misinterpret my observance and analyzing as being paranoid, I just think they do not think enough, haha. I usually misinterpret this as low intelligence, I am starting to realize this is not the case, just a different way of being and two different types of humans not understanding the other )

She receives services for all sorts of things, I like her current team, I am actually wondering if I should bring it up to one of her specialists instead of trying to find a new one for myself (I have a lot of trust in them and think they are competent, so that is a start , lol) They would probably be more willing to hear me out and find someone who might have more experience working with this sort of thing.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!