Hi all, I want to post a bit about myself mainly just to vent a little.
I'm 21 years old and am not diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, but I have questioned in the past and now more recently if I would fit under the category of having autism. I have never sought out a diagnosis, however, mostly due to the fear of the possibility being rejected, which I imagine would likely happen if I were to bring it up in therapy. I'm currently seeing a therapist for issues with depression and anxiety (generalized and social) and I have been treated in the past for bipolar disorder (I no longer believe this diagnosis fits me and have stopped medications for it, and have been doing fairly well without them). So on to the ways in which I feel I can relate to autism, or at least the things I have read about it...
From a very young age I have had very big problems fitting in with my peers and sustaining friendships, and this got harder and harder as I progressed through school, peaking in my early teen years. All through middle and high school I was essentially a loner, and not really by choice. I felt desperate to fit in and make friends but was clueless about how to do so. I remember that before each school year started I would recite to myself in my head, "This year I am going to make friends", and when school came I found it impossible to achieve this goal. My loneliness and dejection ended up morphing into anger and hopelessness and I wound up feeling very resentful toward the people around me for many years, keeping to myself at school and going most days without saying a word to anyone. I remember often feeling as though there must be something seriously wrong with me, like I was the only one going through what I was going through (although now this sounds unrealistic), and I spent most of my time standing awkwardly on the sidelines, watching people joke and laugh and interact with one another while I was helpless to integrate myself into their worlds.
Another thing I somewhat relate to is the sensory issues, which were much more of a problem when I was younger, as back then I became extremely overstimulated by too much noise or light, and would be constantly involuntarily zoning out to try to escape it all. This still happens to me, but I'm not sure how normal a thing this is and may be reading too much into it. I've mostly chalked up my avoidant behaviors to social anxiety, but I am thinking now that perhaps sensory issues have played a role in my reluctance to leave the house or go to new places. I spend most of my time in my house and have had what feel like panic attacks when I go out sometimes, or I become dissociated or "spacey", but again I've often just thought this was anxiety and nothing else.
When I have socialized in the past, and even now in the present, I have trouble finding things to say to people and so I get along best with people who are content to do most of the talking and who aren't high maintenance (for instance my closest friend currently is a very social person who likes to chat, is self-sufficient and doesn't ask for much when we hang out; I can sort of just hang back and go with the flow when we're together and my poor conversational skills are sort of compensated for by her great ones, or she's often self-absorbed so we can focus on her instead of me, which I kind of like). When I'm in a social setting I'm most often constantly internally questioning what I should be doing in that moment, like "Should I say this? Should I sit here?" and after interactions I have gotten lost in my head questioning the meaning of what people have said or done, like attempting to read into the words people say to better understand what their intentions are, but it's on little details like one look someone gave me or one thing they said to me. But I may be just reading into this and over-identifying with this characteristic in autism. I am intensely aware of my body in space when I'm with people, as in I'll take notice of how close I'm sitting to someone, what position my body is in, and this can be exhausting and gives rise to some paranoia.
I do not know if I truly would be categorized as having any sort of autistic spectrum condition. I feel as if over the years any of the signs that may have been obvious in the past have been covered up by coping strategies or psychological mechanisms. I feel like I probably do not appear autistic to people on the outside. I've learned to act quite "normal" with people, though I am extremely awkward a lot of the time, and quiet. Mostly though my main reason for feeling as if this might fit is the feeling that I just don't fit in with people, and I have felt this way literally my entire life (or as much of it as I can remember). Perhaps I just have an anxious disposition, and am just a bit socially inept. I don't want to assume anything, but I just wanted to share this. Sorry this post is so long. I may browse the forums but I'm not sure if I'll stick around here. I just felt as if I should share some of my feelings with people who may be able to relate, but I may not really belong here so I don't want to intrude too much.
30 Mar 2014, 3:52 pm
