I'm new and I am blatantly crying out for help

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^Exactly what it says on the box.

I am in my mid 20s, diagnosed with Asperger's at 19 (wince) so naturally my childhood was sort of a blur of abuse and bullying...i try not to think about it most of the time. I have been depressed for basically as long as I can remember and I have extreme anxiety, and have very rarely gotten any help, and always too little. I thought, maybe it's because it is not natural for me to indicate my distress.

I understand myself so much better, years after my diagnosis, that I can see that autism is not my problem. Autism is just a big part of what (who?) I am. Other people are (often) the problem. I have had a lot of bad experiences elsewhere on the internet (longhaircommunity, tumblr, facebook), which made me hesitate a few years before creating an account here (I have social anxiety), so I've mostly been lurking. But I feel a little better having read the terms and conditions and rules for posting here - people are not really allowed to bully each other here (thank you Alex!). I still struggle daily with NT/Autie interaction.

I am just starting to get over a few-months-long bout of depression related to my perceived worthiness of existing, partly because of my existential depression (why do other people starve to death but I get to eat? WHY DO WE EVEN EXIST *pulls hair out*), but also because of my failure in the job search after graduating with a BA last May (it's been a year?!). I had a "suicide crisis" for which I was visited in my home (I'm agorophobic...the mental conditions keep piling up), made to promise not to kill myself, then billed for $300 and left to my own devices. Why does that service even exist, I wonder. Well at least I'm not dead I guess.

So I'm crying out for help but I don't even know what I need. A new planet? A job? Someone to apply for disability for me, since I have no idea what I'm doing (ever)? Or maybe just for someone to hear me. I think I need people to know that I'm not that okay? (why do I need that??) (also my own emotions confuse me)

So. This is the first impression I am making here apparently. Hi.

I 'hear' you.
Welcome to WP, I guess. Hope you like being a member here.
Wish you all the best, it sounds as though you've been having a hard time.

Thank you, Look. I'm glad to be here. I feel more at ease than I ever have on a forum. It's been a twenty year battle, but I feel like I'm at least past the midpoint? It's more licking my wounds than receiving them lately (if you'll pardon the expression).

Welcome!

Thank you, Oren :) I feel welcome.

That's good to hear. No, it's okay, that's probably a good analogy.

Applying for disability would likely be a good idea at this point, although I would advise getting a lawyer to help you apply (disability lawyers generally don't take payments until they can get you on disability, then they'll take portions of your monthly income once you start getting it).

Due to Obamacare and the federal reserve being low on money, many on disability already are getting cut via government Ponzi Schemes, simply because the government can't afford to help those entitled to benefits.

^ This is why I suggest getting a lawyer to help, because getting accepted on disability at the moment is very difficult.

Thank you for sharing with us, you have a good community willing to help out here. Don't be afraid to ask for help here.

I was weary of signing up myself (I lurked for a long time as well). But this really does seem to be a helpful and supportive community.

Well, I am pretty certain that I am only eligible for SSI, which is need-based and depends on whether or not someone else supports me financially, whether I live in my own home or rent, etc. So the amount that I would get shouldn't depend on "how disabled" I am. Which is a relief since I don't know how one could even quantify disability. But it's still very daunting D: luckily I have some friends and family helping me.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks Anon!

Yes, welcome.

Like most if us when we arrived here, you are affected with a whole range of issues stemming from being on the spectrum.

So did I. And that can be overwhelming because where do you start? How do you deal with so many issues all at once?

You don't! What helped me was to identify the one issue that affected me the most then forming a plan to deal with that exclusively until the plan goal was achieved.

One thing at a time worked for me. In my case anxiety was the most troublesome aspect. Recovering from that released so much energy to deal with other issues.

Amazing how my executive function improved as my anxiety diminished. Obviously a strong reciprocal relationship there, at least for me.

Welcome to wp.you are among friends

I can definitely relate, though I don't know which is worse for me - the on-and-off depression for twenty years? Or the anxiety that can disable me for days at a time? Also I have tried treating both these problems with medications and therapy, to no avail. I seem to have abnormal brain chemistry which causes these medications to affect me in really weird ways. One doctor prescribed me an anxiety medication that caused me to spend four hours curled up in the corner of my bedroom sobbing and jumping at every sound. It was positively traumatizing.

And my attempts to see therapists in my area have made me seriously question the legitimacy of the profession. How can none of them be trained in even the basics of autism? We are NOT that rare! I attempted to see one despite this problem and it was such a huge waste of money. She didn't make me feel the slightest bit better about any of my problems, in fact when I told her I couldn't leave the house for our appointment because of my social anxiety, she was not at all understanding and that was the last straw for me.

I'm interested in trying some herbal remedies for both depression and anxiety now. I'm also on my state's medical marijuana program, so that helps a lot (especially the depression). Also I think I might have seasonal affect disorder? So I'm hoping some vitamin D3 supplements in the winter might help. I also want to try St. John's Wort, now that I'm not on hormonal birth control anymore and I can take it. Has anyone by any chance tried herbal remedies for depression and/or anxiety?

Thank you, Rob :)

I didn't have any luck with herbal remedies. Have had a lot of benefit from amino acids though. SAM-E seems to be the most helpful for very difficult depression, and L-Theanine for anxiety. Check these out on the web for more information. DLPA (another amino) helped my mood lift too.

However we are all different. It was hard finding what worked for me though I got there in the end. Hope you will too.

Joining a social anxiety group through Meet Up really helped me too.

Before these breakthroughs I was feeling as if nothing would ever work. So I know how that feels.

I think vitamins could probably help me a lot (D3 for SAD for example), I've even had good results with taking omega3 fatty acids to help prevent meltdowns when I was in school, but they were kind of expensive and I have no income, so I couldn't take them anymore...which will be the case no matter what kind of herbal supplement/vitamins I might want to try :/ this is why it's so important for me to work on getting on SSI.