Not really sure where to begin here, I guess; hello. I've stumbled on Wrong Planet a few times in the past couple years - it always seems like some of my random digging in Google brings you up.
I couldn't tell you if I have Aspergers or not. I never threw up enough red flags as a teenager, I suppose, to be sent to see a psychologist (amazing, because I was a hell of a Goth kid, with a penchant for smoking marijuana and isolating myself in my room to progressive metal and electronic music)...and now that I'm a 26 year old adult, I still haven't bothered. From time to time my rumination intensifies and I come close...but have yet to see one. I've been lucky - about every time I start to go downhill, there's someone there who points me in exactly the direction I needed to go. This time, it was the Handbook to Higher Consciousness, or H2HC.
I have always had social problems. I can recall quite vividly, as a young child, spending time at my grandmother's house in a small town outside of a slightly larger town in rural Pennsylvania, staring out the window, wondering how you actually -MAKE- friends. Eventually I think I did, but they weren't the kind of friends I saw regularly. I was lucky in that I made two lifetime friends throughout school, whom I still spend time with to this day - but I don't make very many outside of that. I have a huge extended family, with tons of cousins, and they are also a source of social support, but I definitely lack in the lady department. I've had a few long-term relationships that always ended VERY sourly, and I've only ended up in a relationship once by approaching a girl in person - every other relationship began through the internet, somehow or another.
The reality is, I seem to lack all ability to function in a social climate. I'm perfectly fine in the workplace, because within a few eight hour days I'm almost completely comfortable with new coworkers. But outside of that, in situations where there's no shared activity, and especially when there's no repetition - i.e. the event won't be occurring often enough for me to become comfortable with it, I fail miserably. I'm shy and introverted, and everyone picks up on that - with a few drinks it improves slightly, but never enough, I think, to take away from the initial impressions.
Why do I think I have Aspergers? I think primarily because I've been bullied, pushed down and beaten up my entire life. This continues to this day, although I've developed quite a strong backbone and shut it down relatively quickly - besides that, I'm 6'4" and I weight lift, and at some point, people just don't mess with you anymore...and when they do, it's playful, because they can never be quite sure how you're going to respond. I never fit in to social groups well - I was and still am in general an outcast. A most recent example is a birthday party for a cousin of mine - I spent the night rolling around with him and a number of his friends, only to end up in town at some stranger's house. At some point, a couple of them said to me, "You're quiet and that's really weird." I could feel that I was not welcome...or safe...at that point, and considering I was outnumbered, I hightailed it the hell out of there. I know better than to get myself into situations like that with those "types" of people, but inevitably this happens from time to time, because I'm always looking for a new and interesting experience...and sometimes, you take what you can get.
I'm probably writing too much for an introduction entry, so I'll end it here. Thanks for listening.
25 May 2014, 6:56 pm
