New and depressed over romance

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I was recently diagnosed by 2 different therapists as having a mild form of Asperger's. After reading up more on it, I am sure it describes me, and it seems to tie a lot of things together from my past and present.

However, I have been getting depressed lately over my past lack of success in romance. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 14 years, and had one romantic relationship before that which started when I was 29. I had only 3 dates in High School (one was Prom) and they involved no kissing or anything else. I kind of had some brief relationships in college that went no where.

I realize now that I didn't know how to start relationships or pick up cues that a girl might be interested in me. I get depressed thinking of all of the things I missed out on. I have an 11 year old daughter and of course all of the music she listens to seems to be about teenage romance, which just feels like it is rubbing it in.

I feel like I was such a loser for not dating, and that everyone else saw me as a loser as well. I am embarrassed that it took me so long to finally have a relationship. I keep feeling like I missed out on so much. I wanted to be a ladies man and a player, but I never had a chance due to Asperger's. How do I stop obsessing over this and getting depressed and angry?

Hi, I am 40 years old now, and found out I have Asperger's a year ago.

I feel like I've missed out on a lot. I ruined my only successful attempt at a relationship because of the autism I was unaware of.

I am also an underachiever and way behind my years in accomplishments and independence. I f***ing hate it, and it has caused me much depression, low self esteem and inadequacy. I feel like a loser too. Been feeling like one since I was a kid and saw myself falling behind everyone else and being unable to change things.

I hope things can get better for you. I sometimes feel hopeless about myself.

Sounds like you want to be James Bond

Do you know how unimaginably naive you sound?


Who do I have to kill to have a relationship with a wonderful woman and an eleven year old daughter?

Youv'e had sex, companionship, intimacy and a child!
And you're whining about how dsisapointed with your life you are!

It beggars belief!

Sorry, I can't let this go!


seriously, ProffesorJohn,
you'd go back in time to 20 years ago
not meet your wife,
not have your child
in exchange for having random sex with random strangers

get too old to attract young women
pay for prostitutes if that's your thing

and then wait to die in a retirement home
alone
unloved

?

syzygyish,

I know what you are saying is true. I try to be grateful for the things that I do have today, but it is hard to forget the past. While random hookups sound exciting I know that they really aren't the way to go for me. I do wish I had some relationships in high school and college. That might make me feel better about myself now. It is hard when you think everyone sees you as a loser, and you keep telling yourself you are a loser because you can't get the things everyone else has.

I just wish I could have better memories of the past. What do other people really think of those who can't seem to find relationships?

First;,
I want to apologise I was really harsh!

It's right there in my signature
Be kinder than necessry
for everyone is fighting some kind of batttle

[quote="ProfessorJohn". It is hard when you think everyone sees you as a loser, and you keep telling yourself you are a loser because you can't get the things everyone else has.

I just wish I could have better memories of the past. What do other people really think of those who can't seem to find relationships?[/quot]

That we're gifted
extraordinary
unexplanable
inexplicable

special
enigmas!
stgmatiticsl
losers
wierdos


Wonderfull parents
amazing loversx

Not a problem, I wasn't offended. I did read that obsessing about past negative events is a symptom of Asperger's. I had one therapist, very respected in our town, who has been practicing for years, tell me that I am in his top 10 clients in terms of ruminating over the past. Guess that is a top 10 list that it isn't that good to be on.

The truth is, I have pretty much made up for my past deficits in the present or recent past. It just took me longer than most people, I guess. One blog said that Aspies tend to be 5 years behind others when it comes to social things. I was a little further behind than that, I guess, but this isn't supposed to be a competition.

One plus that comes with Asperger's is that I can be very determined in some areas of life. When I go on a diet, I don't cheat much,snack between meals, etc. I probably do eat healthier than most people just because of my obsession in that area.

Sorry to hear about your problems also. I guess the advice I can give over relationships is to never give up. Funny I am actually giving advice on relationships, I never thought I would have enough experience to do that. I am living proof that anyone can eventually have a relationship because I had pretty much given up on it. I have some friends who are now married (they are probably NTs) who felt the same way and thought they would never meet someone. One other piece of advice I have heard for people like us is to really study up on social skills, since that is where we are so deficit. Read books like "How to win friends and influence people" is supposed to be a good one.

It is funny how long it takes most of us to learn about Asperger's. I knew I was different than others for a long time, and spend lots of time trying to figure out how. Abnormal Psychology has become a hobby for me. I kept "trying on" different diagnoses, but when therapists suggested Asperger's, and I read up on it some, everything just really clicked. For a while I thought that maybe I had ADHD, but now I see that most of those symptoms in me can be described by Asperger's as well.

I was really bad at sports growing up-uncoordinated and such, and was embarrassed by it and felt left out. I even tried playing softball a couple of years ago in a recreational league, and still embarrassed myself. I found though that I can do pretty good at running and bicycling. Maybe because those activities take less hand/eye coordination, and getting better at them really comes from just doing them over and over again, and since we get dedicated to one thing and tend to overdo it, it works out well for some of us.

I hope you can overcome your hopeless feelings as well. Good luck to you, and just never give up.

How can you be a loser when you've met and wooed and married a wonderful woman? And you've kept the relationship for 14 years. And you're responsible for a child being in the world?

You need to not care what other people think. And forget about improving the past. You can't. It's gone. If I'd been starving and homeless and now had food and a roof over my head, I might wish I'd had them sooner. But I hope I'd be too busy enjoying them and being grateful for what I had now to keep obsessing about what might have been.

It sounds like you're obsessing. The only way I can think of to stop that is that you have to force yourself to stop that. Even if you have to yell at yourself when you start thinking those thoughts. Not out loud, obviously. But something to break the habit and then force yourself to think about something else. After awhile it'll hopefully become easier to redirect your thoughts.

A lot of people here have never been married, never had romance, who feel isolated and alone and despair of that situation ever getting better. Can't you appreciate how wonderfully lucky you are? I'm going to hit "submit" then grab a book and get lost in it so I can stop my obsessive thinking.

Thanks for the wake up call and for helping me keep things in perspective. I guess our own problems always seem worse than others. I didn't realize that others with Asperger's have it so much worse socially than I do/did. I did develop some close male friendships in high school and college, people who I still keep in contact with.

I do have a lot to be grateful for, and I suppose most would say it is foolish to judge yourself by your past instead of by your present.

I guess wanting to be a Ladies' man isn't a very good goal in life, but I guess I felt it was the only way I could really be accepted and envied by others.

yah duh

of course, being human beings, there ARE imperatives that drive us

For instance
I could probably tear up HunterofSquirrels in my Talons in an instant