Hello everyone, I think I've found my home planet :)

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VictoriaVulcan
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12 Jul 2014, 10:47 am

Hello!
I'm 24 years old and from Germany and have felt like an alien amongst people all my life.
Two years ago a collegue asked me (jokingly) if I was sure I wasn't autistic or asperger's.
I contemplated that for the remainder of the lunch break and googled it right after and yes! Asperger's fits very well.

I never understood what was wrong with reading books instead of going to parties, drinking coke instead of getting wasted with alcohol or standing and tapping my foot instead of this weird thing called dancing.

No one gets my love for 'epic music' and that a song has to have meaningful lyrics instead of a good beat and some stupid 'blurred lines/umbrella/candy shop words.

Everyone thinks it's weird that I read a book about quantum physics FOR FUN in a foreign language or that I can recite Shakespeare or I learn Pi to 50 digits simply because I like to know that I can.

Social situations make me uncomfortable- My sister takes me out to public parties every once in a while because she thinks I need to go out more often and 'meet people'. Well standing in a circle barely able to talk because of loud music is not really doing it for me thanks.

Also I never understand how people can spend and entire evening talking mindless dribble and flirting. I have better things to do with my time (no offense meant, but I really don't get it). I don't know what to talk about in such situations, everything I say I get a weird look or I am more or less ignored and I feel like the others wish I would just go.

I have weird interests like I am knitting, reading five books simultaneously, obsess over Sherlock Holmes or whatever show/film I am intrigued with at the moment. I like to slip into my favourite characters skin and imitate them.

I lived four weeks going out and about in the mind-set of Khan from the latest Star Trek movie. I've been Spock, Jack Sparrow and so many other I've lost count. Not really helping me socially but I enjoy 'playing' those characters. They are like friends to me only that I AM them for the moment. Maybe that's because I'd love to be an actress. Maybe I'd love to be an actress because of my Asperger's?
I feel most comfortable when I wear such an 'armour'.

All the 'friends' I ever had when I was a child were either boys or girls who took advantage of me because I was a nerd (before it was cool) and I could help them with school work and stuff. As soon as that was done they dropped me for a 'cooler person' because it was embarassing to hang out with the weirdo. I eventually stopped helping anyone because I didn't like to be used like that and got called egoistic for it.

I had my 'rebel' phase when I got into Punk/Hard Rock (which I still love to bits) and got mocked for 'dressing up' like Avril Lavigne and sorts but I thought she was amazing because she was different and hung out with boys who really liked her and had friends.

I graduated as one of the best in my year, got a straight A+ in my biology exam (teacher's were 'blown away' by my talk about evolution and Darwin) and started training as a lab technician. But even amongst all the other 'nerds' I found that they had a social life and liked to go to parties and stuff. Especially without me. It hurts when you find out they went to a theme park without even thinking about asking me- like they forgot I existed. And I would have acutally joined them because I love rollercoasters!

So I learned I was the weirdo even amongst the nerds and the image of Spock being amidst that crew of scientist on the Enterprise fits really well. Yes, I love Star Trek, but only the Original Series, not the other's and no Star Wars and I loved Spock as a child, because he was smart and logical and he looked at everything scientifically and 'fascinating' was one of my favourite words then.

My mum told me that I corrected my nursery school teachers when they read me a fairy tale and didn't read exactly what was on the page because, despite not being able to read myself at four years, I had memorised what was supposed to be on each page from when my mum read them to me :)

All in all I am NOT ashamed of who I am, I don't feel like I miss something not having a big bunch of friends- books are friends and there is so much to learn. I took the Adult Asperger Assessment and definitely scored as Asperger's.
I still think about that because I don't have any sensory issues like food texture although I have a very sensitive hearing (hearing stuff others don't) and sense of smell (smelling things way before others register them). I don't remember ever having a meltdown, although I have had moments where I was on the brink of screaming because of noise levels, multiple conversations I couldn't process and so on. I then retreat in the best way I can (listening to music or literally walking away) and it gets better. When I am distressed or something bothers me I have recognised that I get kind of 'Rain Man', I start lining up pencils and stuff, trying to control my environment in ways possible when I can't control my thoughts and feelings. I think sometimes my brain just tries to overtake itself like racing cars chasing each other and I need to slow myself down and control things several times so I don't mess up. DON'T TALK TO ME WHEN I'M CONCENTRATING.

So, I really think Asperger's is my diagnosis (although I don't feel like I'm 'ill') but then again I don't have such intense physical symptoms like others I've read about.
Or maybe that 'overthinking/analyising/reflecting' is also a symptom. I don't know.
I only know that it explains so much and I finally found my home planet with fellows on this spectrum. It feels a bit like coming home to finally find that there's nothing wrong with me- I only function in a different way. Like Apple and Android.

I now embrace the Aspie inside of me and do things my way instead of restricting myself trying to appear normal. I don't want to appear like a complete loony- my parents taught me manners and stuff well, but I am an adult now and I am the one in charge of myself.


Sorry for the big waffle but this is supposed to be to introduce myself and so I did :)



WilFindUndrstndng
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12 Jul 2014, 12:48 pm

I'm 38 and know only a small bit about Aspergers/ASD, but, in my opinion, I think you've described MANY, common, ASD traits. The good news: this website has thousands of members who have those, same (awesome) traits and, moreover, you'll now be able to read their stories of strength and gain pride that you're "part of 'the club'". We're a very gifted ("if I do say so") and persistent bunch...and many of us have a lot of pride, but we can have a hard time understanding the "common sense" behaviors of NTs, and vice-versa. (Both sides are saying, "Why are they so weird?!")

Sounds like you're a fun & smart person, and that THIS is "the place" for you.



Permission to "come aboard"... granted.



AnonymousAnonymous
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12 Jul 2014, 3:37 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


SyAn
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13 Jul 2014, 4:02 am

VictoriaVulcan wrote:
Sorry for the big waffle but this is supposed to be to introduce myself and so I did.
Yes, so you did, and I loved reading it, very interesting and many thoughts that strongly resonated.
Welcome to WrongPlanet, VictoriaVulcan.


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. . . and if you are very quiet you can hear the music too . . .


VictoriaVulcan
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14 Jul 2014, 11:01 am

Thank you everyone, it feels so good to know that I am not alone!
I always thought I was mental or losing my mind observing how other people went about their lives and I couldn't relate in the least. The things that seem important to the average person seem so trivial, so...I don't even know how to phrase it without sounding like a dick.

Then again I realize how much I forget of the things I learn and it really bothers me, because being smart is the only quality I take pride in. And it feels like my brain fails me sometimes.

On the other hand I have read that, due to those bad experiences with people we all made, we tend to have a low self-esteem and not see how awesome we truly are. I just wish I had one real talent instead of jumping from one special topic to the next without ever perfecting one.

Does anyone else feel like this?