Hi, I am new here, I can say that I have finally found a place in this world. I believe that some of the signs and symptoms of autism describe me, but I have no way to confirm it, I have never been diagnosed and I am not sure if I should be. Last night I wrote an e-mail to an autistic guy hoping to get a quick reply, but I think the guy is so busy to read an e-mail or two. Please allow me to cut and paste parts of the e-mail that I sent to him, I hope that this can serve as a reference (please forgive my grammar and choice of words, I am not a native english speaker).
Hi, my name is Renato Tugadi, I am 31, a Filipino. I just read about your articles and I would like to tell you that almost everything you said in your articles apply to me. I have the same condition as you are but I am so confused right now because I have never been diagnosed. All my life I know that there is something about me that makes me so different from the rest. I have a lot of questions in life which now begin to have answers. I don't know if I should tell it to myself or maybe I should contemplate on seeing a specialist.
To enumerate myself I would like to tell you that all my life I have been a loner and no social life at all, I dare not to go out because I find it hard to get along with other people, I am having trouble relating to others. I don't really speak a lot, in my daily life I can only speak 20% in a day because words don't naturally come out of my mouth as I find it hard to construct words inside my mind only to voice it out. If I do speak, specially in the presence of other people I tend to sound monotone or incomprehensible or I stutter. Instead I speak with my mind, most of the time when somebody asks me questions I just nod my head but say the answers in my mind. I always avoid people, specially of large quantities, even if it's a requirement to mix with others, I just can't handle it, I don't know just why I turn away instantly, my body does it automatically. I always get the wrong hints and not sure about the messages that said to me. At work I always hear the word, "you are good", "good job" but often think of it as taunt. I am not good at reading other people's gestures and sometimes it gets me into trouble.
I remember when I was a child I was always isolated from the others, you could find me inside a cabinet or a large box of tv set, behind the door, or under the table or bed, or anywhere dark and quiet. I would always do that because I found it easy to be me. I easily get distracted by noisy environments. I am so elusive that even if my family the host of a party I would just escape and find me a quiet place. People thought I was shy. When I was in high school I had some friends and things were quite normal then, until I reached the 3rd year when I started being quiet again and avoided everyone. You know I almost didn't finish high school because instead of attending classes my class, I was wandering around alone, going some places as if searching for something. I remember I would always go to a bridge in a province. It went on till I reached the graduation year. Wonder how I passed high school? I have been wondering too, considering that I would only step into my school during the exams. I tried three attempts to go to college but I could only bear one semester and dropped out for good. It was the time when I practically didn't understand how the world was going. My life became a lot more complicated after that.
Now I am turning 32 on the 27th, and a "full-blown loner" but I am calmer. I have learned to control my emotions now but sometimes I tend to throw tantrums. I am turning 32 and fully aware of my physical self but I honestly don't feel like my age. I am living alone, I am working as a web developer in an advertising company but I insisted on working at home, at first my boss didn't let me, but I insisted, I wondered if they would fire me but I am still getting projects up to now and they still include me in the company's future plans. Maybe my boss knows no difference between me being present at the office (who doesn't speak at all, having the same routines, odd, weird, aloof and dwells in his own world) and working home-based (in my own sanctuary). Our communications consist of using the messenger and e-mails and I think I am better off using these technologies for communication because I can say what I want to say and I can express myself easily. I have a friend now and she's the only one I got ever since, I always explain to her of her importance to be around every once in a while.
Like I said I don't know if I should tell it to myself. If I based my behavior on the facts and signs that I have read on autism websites, I think I may have a certain autism for a long time and did not know it. This subject didn't occur to me until last Saturday when I heard someone said that I am autistic. I am just confused but not worried. I think I may found the answers to my life's big questions.
I really hope that you doing fine upon reading this letter. I really wish that I could hear a line or two from you. Please take care of yourself and God bless. Thank you.
Modio
09 Mar 2007, 12:05 pm
