New, confused, and curious

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Hello everyone!

I'm 33, female and Norwegian. I'm here because I've recently discovered I might be on the spectrum, and I'm spending an awful lot of time "collecting evidence", and I need to read other people's accounts and perhaps also ask some questions. To make a long story short - oh, who am I kidding, I can never make a story short! Here goes:

I've always felt different, however I've just assumed that I'm being childish and immature (hello), and felt annoyed with myself. I frequently feel I don't belong even if I wish I did. I also have that feeling of having missed out on some meeting or pamphlet about how life works that everyone else seems to have gotten. However, I've also been very lucky in life, because I have never been bullied, I've had the same best friend since kindergarten, and I had the same classmates from kindergarten through 10th grade (at 16). Then I went on to art school where being odd, quirky and different was seen as a very cool thing, so I haven't really stood out that much.

I have a degree in Fine Art, but went on to work part-time in a shop and lived home with my mum. Then, at 24, I met the man who became my first boyfriend and is now my husband. He's a geek like me and we have so much in common, though I believe he is NT.

I became self-employed and spent many years making comics, quite happy all alone in my home office, however I ran out of steam and made a huge carreer change - now I own and run an apple farm! Hence my avatar and user name, Malus domestica is of course latin for apple. The farm is small enough that I can work alone.

Anyway, this is how I came upon the realization that I might be autistic: for about 10 years I've gradually built up a story that I plan to make into a novel, and decided that one of the book's characters needed a) to have an incredible ability to concentrate and b) realistically not being romantically interested in the heroine of the book. I know, this sounds stupid and stereotypical, but bear with me, at the time I didn't know that much about the spectrum. So I decided he needed to have Asperger's. But as I knew it could be a sensitive subject (I learnt that the hard way from getting some comics on a different subject rejected), I wanted to research Asperger's thoroughly. And lo and behold! The more I read, the more I recognized the different symptoms in myself. But I still thought the trait lists I found online were "too severe" for me, so I took the tests on aspietests.org and my jaw dropped. So I threw aside my research note book and flung myself into days and weeks of intense research into ASD in adult women predominantly.

I like lists, so I'll make a couple here:

My test results at aspietests.org:
* RAADS-R: Total score 135.
* Friendship Quotient: average score 44,5 (took it twice).
* Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ): 34, AQ-10-score 7.
* Empathy Quotient: 30
* Two-factor Imagination Scale: 38

Note: On the eye test, voice tone test and body language test I did EXTREMELY well (near 100%). However I'm putting this down to the fact that through my work on comics, I've studied body language intensely. Also, I don't think I would have done very well on the eye test if the 4 alternatives hadn't been there.

My symptoms:
* Social anxiety. There are only 5 people I feel absolutely comfortable with, and three of them are my husband and two children. I'm also introverted and could happily be alone for weeks, though I would miss my children.
* I especially hate the phone. I rarely answer or phone back. Email is my friend.
* I stim a lot. At first when reading that stimming is an ASD trait, I thought "but I don't do that!", however I quickly realised that yes, I do it ALL THE TIME. I shake my leg, wiggle my foot, wring my hands, flick my little fingers, touch my face ... as a child I also voice stimmed a lot. If I have a particularly strong emotion I flap my right hand and might also make a humming sound, but only if I'm alone.
* I have highly intense interests. They may vary, and some interests last perhaps just a week or two never to return, but some stick with me for years, and some come and go. Right now it's knitting, which is perfect as it also functions as hand stimming, and it produces practical, warm clothing! As a teenager I was wildly obsessed with the band Smashing Pumpkins, collected everything I could and listened to them non-stop, joined message boards online and talked about them so much that I drove people crazy. In my early 20's I had a similar intense interest in Lord of the Rings and watched the first movie about 10 times in cinema, collected the special edition dvds and watched the making-of-documentaries hundreds of times, got hold of the 80's BBC radio version, the audio books, and bought a very expensive illustrated edition of the books. I've also been into indian tribes, dinosaurs, Harry Potter ... and the list goes on. I might suddenly go off an interest though.
* I prefer comfortable clothes. I wouldn't wear jeans until I was at least 10, and if I wear them now they have to be stretchy ones. I rarely brush my hair and just wear a pony tail. I don't put on make up unless i have to.
* I sometimes don't hear what people say the first time around, and might ask them to repeat, or take a few seconds to play the "recording" of what they said in my head before responding.
* I get hung up in patterns, especially patterns of dots, curtains, wallpapers etc.
* I need a lot of down time. After some social occacions I might need several days before I recover properly.
* When I was 2 or 3 years old, I got hold of a pencil and filled my bedroom wall with tiny circles as high as I could reach.
* I had to consciously learn how to walk normally, straightening my legs properly and remember to swing my arms. I study myself in shop windows to see how I look as I walk.
* Eye contact is hard. I had to tell my husband to stop looking at me at the dinner table, though he was only "gazing lovingly" at me. But it felt too intense. I've studied eye contact by watching movies etc, and seeing that people might shift their gaze from one eye to the other every now and then, so I make sure to not only look at people's right eye, but sometimes at their left as well! This takes concentration and I might not hear ALL they're saying.
* I certainy don't have many friends, and am rubbish at keeping in touch with the ones I have.
* Was an early walker (10 months) and early reader (5,5 years) though it's unclear whether I was hyperlexic.

However, I'm 33 and undiagnosed, so if I'm on the spectrum (which I think, however I also doubt myself a lot) I must come across as fairly normal to others. I can't say I have a huge problem understanding sarcasm, irony or metaphores, but then I've always been interested in language and etymology and when I come across a new metaphore I usually google it to see where it originated.

I've ordered a few books from Amazon that should be arriving soon, among them Aspergirls and the Complete Guide to Autism. I won't self-diagnose until I've read those, and I haven't told anyone yet either (IRL that is). Still trying to figure out how to tell my husband. It's scary.

So hi, everyone! Do I sound autistic to you guys? Is it worth pursuing an official diagnose? It would certainly put my mind at ease, though the thought of going to the doctor and ask for a referral is so scary that I just dismiss the whole thought. I plan to observe myself for a few months in different situations first. Though I must say that I've had so many OMG moments the last couple of weeks as I've read up on this stuff, and cried a couple of times, because I really feel like a huge part of the puzzle has fallen into place!

edit: I forgot to mention that I'm a visual thinker, I think in pictures and "film" and can view objects in 3D in my head as I wish, design things and see how they would work (simple objects at least, like small carpentry projects). I recently watched the movie about Temple Grandin, with Claire Danes playing Temple, and i felt quite familiar with how they portrayed her visual mind. I'm not savant in any way, however the closest I get is my artistic abilities.

... I forgot to mention clumsiness. I have about 20 bruises on my legs at the moment (harvest time at the farm) and I smash a mug every now and again. Once I dropped a mug onto another mug and broke them both.

I'm slowly learning Norsk (half my family's from somewhere around Trondheim & I should probably go meet them) so it's cool to see you here. I too am obsessed with Smashing Pumpkins, they enlightened me about all sorts of funky grunge. Tell me about how you get all the cool Volvos!

You sound like you have autistic traits to me, but I'm no expert at diagnoses. Why do you want an official diagnoses? I mean, if the autistic traits apply to you, then you are autistic. A doctor might be authorized to give official diagnoses, but doctors aren't really authorities on whether individuals have autism or not. It's good to have one I suppose, but I don't understand how a doctor can truly diagnose this type of thing. I have an official diagnoses, however doctors aren't able to understand your mind more than you.

I don't know anything about the Norwegian healthcare system, or if a diagnoses would mean anything more than self satisfaction on confirming your thoughts.

Casuallyinverted: Well, one thing is to get peace of mind, another is to be able to slap the diagnosis on the table should I talk about this with someone who won't believe me. That's my biggest fear, that people will just brush it off because on the outside I seem perfectly normal. The health care system in Norway is free, so it won't cost me anything, but there certainly may be lots of obsticles on the way there. I'm not very good with obsticles. But I totally get what you're saying - I know my brain best, so why should I give more authority to someone who doesn't have my brain? I'm just scared people will think I'm lying to make myself more interesting or something ...

cberg: Cool! I had my SP obsession about 10 years ago. I even have Billy Corgan's signature. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is my favourite album, I learnt the guitar tabs to Tonight, Tonight. I've been to Trondheim twice, it's pretty far from where I live. And Volvos? Well, my best friend had a gold coloured one, it was SO. COOL. Never had one myself though.

Btw, ask me anything about Norwegian if you want! I love languages.

Welcome! By the way, great user name!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks guys! Hehe, I see by your avatar that you're familiar with apples, glebel!

I was raised on an apple farm in Upstate New York, and I appear to be the only one in So.Cal. that knows how to prune one.

Welcome!

Hey Malus Domestica welcome.

Thank you, everyone!

Haha! I would love to see how you grow your apples. We use a "new" system (it's been around for about 15 years here, and longer further south in Europe, but you know, "new") where we use weak rootstocks, plant the trees in lines approx. 3,5 metres apart which makes room for the tractor and approx. 1 meter between each tree. The trees are supported in a system of poles and wire. The rules for pruning are very schematic, which I could go on and on about for hours. I'm actually planning a new patch for next year and grafted the trees myself last winter. Which varieties did you grow on the farm where you grew up?