Hello! I have aspergers what do you think?

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Hey everybody. I have been browsing these forums for a bit and for the last 2-3 years I've known I have aspergers. I also have a form of OCD too and probably ADD, hear me out please. I'll start with the Aspergers and why I'm still unsure even though it's blindingly obvious.

The main symptom of my Aspergers is to get hyper-excited. For example it's said that a common symptom in children is they will flap their hands and arms when excited. I still do this to this day and I'm 24ish and I'm talking extreme excitement. I have this repetitive movement where ill thrust my arms back and forward while shaking them but it's very precise and intense (but feels like the physical side of ecstasy). It's not just my arms though I feel it through my whole body. If something extremely exciting happens like a better change of circumstance or something I'd literally be jumping about screaming but tensing so you can't hear the scream too much. It's pretty much the one aspect of this I love and would like to keep.

The other ones are a lot less exciting like my bouncy walk which I've always had and will never change because it's just how I walk. People who know me can see me from a mile away with the bounce it's that bad. It's very obvious but it's just how I walk I can't help it.
I also bite the living crap out of my nails obsessively which I've read a few Aspies do. It's horrible I literally have NO nail on any of my fingers except my thumbs a little which totally ruins your chance of a girl even seeing you as a human being. I'm also very unhygienic which has caught up with me; I have really yellow teeth, bad skin and years of being depressed completely changes your priorities. Looking after yourself falls completely out of sight and substance abuse becomes a hobby. I can shower once or twice a week and not really care.
Another thing is the eye contact part. I'm a bit better now but it's definitely something that's not natural to me at all. It's better now because I don't put as much thought into it, I just stare or look away. When I was a bit younger it was more manual. I used to love walking side by side with a friend because it was minimal eye contact because you just needed to glance over every now and then (didn't even have to maintain) and your part was done.

I'll run over the OCD I have too but I won't lie it's pretty embarrassing but also getting to the point of life ruining.
Basically I like to body rock. A lot. I've done it to music as long as I can remember and it's definitely a compulsion. I do it every day for hours and sometimes I can't stop and I'm pretty much doing it for whole days. I always do it to the tempo of the music so it can get quite fast and intense! Destroyed a few sofas in my time lol. I've always accepted that it's part of me and embraced it but now I think about how much of my life it has taken up and how much of my life I have tailored to being able to do it every day by myself. The amount of times I will decline spending time with my friends because I'm doing that is ridiculous. I do really enjoy spending time by myself though. I'm definitely a massive loner who is definitely very lonely though but I still love and need to spend time by myself (a lot). I think it's weird how some people are the opposite and cannot be alone.

When I was younger I had a massive interest in space. It wasn't like I was a genius or anything I simply had lots of books and absolutely loved everything about space.
When I went to highschool I was bullied really bad. Every day after a few classes I was get beat up and all the rest of it. I was just such a naive boy, I really wasn't a cool guy.
My main interest has always been Music since a very young age. When I was 8 I got into heavy metal music and that was me set. I obsessed over Slipknot until I was 14 (started drumming 11) and then I grew out of their music and became obsessed with Devin Townsend. It took a few years to properly branch out and not just get heavily obsessed with one band and as a drummer myself that was very important.

Even though from what I said and what I know it's fairly obvious I still can't feel 100% without a diagnosis. Things like my personality throw me off. I was a confident, eccentric kid who loved to be the centre of attention (I say this but I was just the centre of attention because I was a character, I didn't crave it but did enjoy it). Everyone in primary school knew who I was. When I was 10 I even auditioned for a film and get very far (got to audition in front of director). I'm not really sure how good my communication was back then though because it didn't bother me talking to anyone but I can't remember what I'd say or how I'd listen and reply but I'm sure I was okay. I'm sure even back then I've always just tried to be the funny guy. I like to make people laugh and I'm definitely good at seeing things from another perspective to make funny but truthful points.

When I went to high school that all changed quite a bit. I was bullied quite bad for the first couple years as I've said and that just turned me into a nasty person. The eccentric kid became a complete loner. I turned into a bully myself and was extremely nasty to pupils (girls and boys) and teachers. There's no way if I seen myself the way I was then I wouldn't beat myself up I was a really nasty person and couldn't explain at the time why. The school knew I was intelligent though so they didn't want to get rid of me but eventually in 5th year they had to. It wasn't for a few years until I understood more about the psychology that was going on. I think the ADD might be involved there too. I do zone out a lot and find reading can be a challenge and sometimes listening to what people are saying is hard when your mind just wants to wander. I also lose pretty much everything I own at least 5 times a day it's a running joke with my friends. I'm also literally never still. I aaaalways bounce my legs up and down and can go really fast without thinking (great for drums!). I really do not enjoy staying still. I have massive problems with sleep, lots of thinking when I try and I cannot lie still to save myself . When I wake up I'll compulsively start kicking my legs right away, so I think it's the OCD with the body rocking that does that, I'm not sure.

When I got a bit older (16) I started drinking with the friends that I still go about with but that's when the real anxiety
kicked in which I hadn't had problems with before. The build up to a house party or anything social was insanely anxious and I had no idea why. There were many times my friends were all going somewhere and it was so much easier to say I wasn't coming than deal with the anxiety of taking part. This stems from feeling very inadequate I think. At this age I had no idea I might even have a syndrome but I had all these behaviours I had kept to myself my whole life. But I managed to convince myself I would grow out of them all and become a normal adult eventually. I grew up but the behaviours stayed. That's when my esteem went. I was about 17 or 18 and getting lonely and my only explanation for my behaviours staying was that I must just be a complete idiot with extremely immature behaviours. It was a bad few years, I was very depressed. Couldn't even view myself as real musician/drummer compared to my peers which is a low place in your head when music is your biggest hobby. I'm a lot better now. I've put myself through enough of those situations that I'd say I'm quite good socially with people. I am usually quite relaxed and chatty if I know the people there. I am definitely very opinionated and am not shy to debate something interesting.

As far as the special interests go Music and drumming have always been up there but I do tend to get obsessively into something like a game to then drop it like it was nothing when I feel like it. I must admit I'm very talented with rhythm. I have been drumming for 12 years and started playing the guitar too. I am absolutely hopeless with maths though (was never an interest for me, i still don't know all my times tables by head)and as you can probably guess from my typing I am very average with literacy too. I know most Aspies are known for a love of words or numbers but I see rhythm on the same spectrum. I can count rhythm just like people count numbers.
Oh yeah and I talk very enthusiastically, quite fast and definitely not monotone.
I also don't get any sensory issues. I can deal with light, noise and the rest but if I have Aspergers then so does my mum and she's very bad with noises she doesn't like.

Sorry this was so long I just really wanted to share my story and see what you guys think. I really need to seek help though. I've lived on my own for over a year now and as much as I love it, I seem to have lost control of my life a bit :/ My house is not a clean place to be either.

So do you think I have Aspergers?
Also ask me anything if you want to know I'm pretty honest

edit: just want folks to know when you have the symptoms like I do having a normal life is impossible. I don't have a legitimate job (I do live in my own 1 bed room bungalow though. I pay rent) but I got myself to that position because I need a life outside society because I don't feel like I'm part of it. I used to want to be but definitely felt myself detach from it all when I was younger because it just wasn't working out for me. It doesn't matter how easy a job is eventually I will wake up and my brain decides it's body rocking time and you bet that's what I'm doing. So my life is a bit of a mess but you just deal with it as best you can.

another edit: sorry just letting you guys know I was also a troublesome kid. I used to throw tantrums all the time and was extremely huffy if I didn't get my way. Was a mummys boy who did love his mum a lot though. I just seemed to be a little s**t as well. She wanted to adopt me at one point when I was too young to remember(not seriously I think). I also had speech development problems up until I was about 3 I can't remember but I was taken to speech therapy. I apparently was a pretty difficult kid to raise which I'm not proud of but me and my mum are extremely close

last edit: Hopefully everyone doesn't think I'm a bad person from my story. If you were to meet me I am a genuine and nice person who will get to know anyone Although I am known for being brutally honest (I'm all about what the truth is) and I guess can be aggressive at times. Sometimes in my tone if I'm debating apparently but I never realise it's happening but it is. Its just passion

Hey Warped12 welcome.

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. It does sound like you have a lot of traits. Do you feel like you have trouble in social situations? Like, do you tend to misinterpret social cues and make mistakes, or not know how to make conversation?

Based on what you wrote, it doesn't seem straight forward either way. You could..you could not..

The reason for the ambiguity is that a lot of what you wrote has messurable overlap with other diagnoses. Foir instance, lack of hygiene goes, as you said, hand in hand with depression. It can also go with asd, But, when happy or feeling better, the lack would remain.

Similarly, being bullied can nail one's self-esteem. And that can cause issues with eye contact and self-perception.

Meanwhile, what you list as the primary symptom you have of asd may well just be adhd (formerly known as add...the H is for hyperavctivity). Many outgrow the super-hyperactivity with adhd, but some do not and several of thge things you list sound very reminiscent of adhd.

At the same time, what you list as ocd, sounds more like a common misconception of ocd. Someone with ocd would not decline plans so they could stay home and do a ritual...it is not enjoyed. They would however be late or miss plans entirely because they got stuck performing the compulsion they Had to do..over and over until they got it "right".
The complusions for ocd can be anything..including rocking as you describe..but they are done out of an anxiety driven necessity...and are not enjoyed.
Not just.."i choose to do yoga every day since it helps me feel calmer..i actually turn down plans so i can stay home and do it..it really feels good. Running wortks too..basically anything active is good for me to do regularly" but more, i Have to do yoga. I Have to do it at x time for x hours. If i miss a day, i have panic attacks until i do it. I don't even want to do it anymore..i can't run. It Has to be yoga.
In other words, the difference between a conscious action that feels good or promotes good feeling vs a required act done to avoid the obsessions and panic that come when not performed.

That said, sometimes, the action isn't diagnostic ocd, but like hair pulling and hoarding, are close relatives. And such actions can actually be an asd thing too.. A self-soothing technique that's unfortunately referred to as stimming.

So my answer, from everything you say, i agree it would be good to get help as whatever the source, the issues are clearly adversely impacting your life. But, if it is asd? I don't think that's clear cut. It could be..or could simply significant adhd with some other issues. There is also overlap and common comorbidty between adhd, ocd, and asd. So....talking to a professional would indeed be wise

And no, you don't sound like a bad person.

Hello and thanks for reading my long story and for the reply. It's hard to say if I misinterpret social cues because I have no idea what they are. The only one I can think of is when it's time to get up and go in a group and I can mess that up but not too bad these days I pay attention until it's obvious to get up. I used to find saying bye to a friend or group of friends to be so awkward especially if it's just one person. It just never feels natural so I have no idea if I'm doing it right. I think I'm better with that one. A lot of the time I'm worried if I'm overstaying my welcome too or just not doing the right thing, it can make me a bit paranoid. The amount of times I'll ask a friend if they want me to leave and they never do is a lot. I feel like I'm out of the loop with the 'social script' but I'm an outside observer and am always paying attention (in my way) to what is going on. I really do not pay attention to peoples body language at all I'll look at it their hand language manually to seem polite but I don't take it in. I also barley do any hand language when I talk at all and if I do it usually doesn't add up to what I'm saying that well. I've been bad with sarcasm in the past too. Simple sarcastic jokes would get a reaction and my friend would obviously say he's being sarcastic and I'd be left feeling really dumb. Or I'd be joking with a friend and he'd reply something harsh but totally sarcastic but didn't add the tone and I used to think he meant the things he said.

Sometimes I have no idea how to make conversation but that could be anxiety. Sometimes it's easy if it's something interesting being spoke about I offer good points and enjoy philosophical conversations and debates. Other times I have absolutely no idea what to say at all. I used to be quite bad for starting my sentence before someone had finished theirs too.

Some phrases throw me off too. I had to google "Every cloud has a silver lining" Recently because I never had any idea what the hell it meant I just imagined a cloud with a thin silver coat on the outside. "You have a chip on your shoulder" got me for years because where I'm from a chip is a type of small stone. I knew what the phrase meant (asked my granddad when he said it to me years back) but I didn't understand why a stone on your shoulder meant you were angry about something. I can work out most of the common ones though.
Also my interests aren't just games and music I tend to find subjects to get into and I'll learn as much as I can about it. Sociopaths/Psychopaths (same thing, believe me) got me recently so I've read 3 books about them and done a lot of research on the internet. I'll get extremely interested in something but I do like to find new things to get interested in.
The excitement is what convinces me I'm an aspie. It's a symptom only seen in Aspergers and I'm bad for it. I can feel it through my whole body and will flap my hands about and sometimes jump up and down. I won't do it around people at all because it's extremely strange but if I get that excited around people I just wont move but tense very hard and feel excited. On a documentary about a guy with aspergers he'd do a similar thing but he'd rub his hands together in excitement. That works but I don't prefer that lol. I did used to rub my legs a lot too. Kind of like a kid on christmas day opening his main present then completely losing it but with an adults control. I am very strange lol and apologies for these long posts!

Last edited by Warped12 on 18 Jan 2016, 8:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Hey thank you for the interesting reply!
About the excitement I don't think it's hyperactivity. I can be energetic (or the opposite) but this is bursts of extreme excitement that make me flap throw my arms back and forward which is not how an adult should handle excitement. My mum does it too but she puts her hands to her mouth and does an intense "hehehe" type tick. She also has ticks all the time of making random noises and actions usually quite loud.
Not being hygienic was definitely around before I started feeling depressed I can only tell you that from memory.
Also most aspies like to spend time alone and that is exactly me. I love my alone time far too much but god you just can't beat it.
I also read non-fiction only and generally have no interest in getting into fiction which is annoying because all my reader friends are dead into fiction.

If you don't mind take a look at this like
experienceproject.com/stories/Rock-Back-And-Forth-A-Lot/613005
This must be a relative to ocd syndrome that hasn't officially been put into the dsm because it's rather common and specific. When I was really young I would roll side to side in the mattress and pivot around in circles on the floor (if you're small enough you get momentum it was really cool).
It definitely feels like a compulsion though if I don't do it for periods of time it builds up and I need to find a way to do it. I'm also late to a lot a plans because I can't just wake up and leave the house and sometimes when you start you sort of feel like your stuck because you just keep doing it.

I really hate when my time gets interrupted in general. If you show up at my house un-announced then I will be pretty furious and may show it. Back when I lived with my Mum I'd have to stop the body rocking a lot because other people lived there and it was so infuriating seeing the car come up the street.

I'm also very bad for keeping in touch with friends and family. If I don't keep on top of it I can not see my family for a month and way more for certain friends and I don't feel too bad about that. I do not do facebook chat either but I am able to. I am known for saying extremely honest stuff in social settings. I don't think about offending people I just say what I feel like saying and I'm very honest. This has gotten me in trouble.
My problem is there is very little chance I'll talk to a professional.

The rocking is interesting indeed..

I hear what you're saying about the bursts..my mind went to adhd when combined with the bouncing knees and bouncing steps. I personally have none of the latter, but i know exactly what you mean about the excited bursts as i get them too. If really happy, i have to jump up and down or clap. Like a three year old... I used to contain it, but finally said f*k it..i act like a Very little kid when i'm excited. ..oh well. .if anything, keeping it all bottled up for years just fed the depression, so i'm glad i let go.

Your updates definitely added more to the aspie picture..taking things literally and such. So, it may well be..or it plus adhd/ocd/other...

It's too bad though that you can't see anyone.
For asd, it seems like they can't do much anyway, but for the comorbidities or "symptoms" like depression they sometimes can help .. So, it might be helpful to somehow get professional insight - if for no other reason than if they can help with some secondary things... But, you also may meet a clueless, butthead who happens to have a degree..

It sounds like a lot of this is kind of curiosity on your part? Trying to figure out what's going on so you can start trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to move forward.??

If so, http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/arc_tests has several tests that might help...they're of course not officially diagnostic, but they may help make a clear picture for you. Even simple things like some of the questions sparking a light bulb - i always do that!! ! I never knew why!! !

This forum too is a great place for getting ideas of how to handle things we're struggling with. Even add or ocd things... It seems that a majority of posts that have an issue get several replies from people who can relate and/or ideas that could help.
In some ways, it's better than a professional since it's people living it, not just telling you what a book said..

Thanks again for taking the time to read my story and take the time to reply, it's very appreciated!

The bouncing knees is just my compulsion to move, sometimes ill shake them side to side or just do it with feet. If I'm not doing it ill find myself tapping my fingers or something. I twitch my legs and feet when I'm in my bed and I add little erratic rhythms to it. I find it pretty comforting. I seriously do not sit still ever. As a drummer I jokingly think I'm just bursting with rhythm lol. I think the bouncing walk is Aspergers though I've read aspies tend to have funny walks like a bounce and that's exactly what I've got. I've gotten some stick over the years but I don't really mind lol. Even when I was bullied quite bad in high school it really never phased me emotionally at the time but eventually I turned bitter and nasty. I was smart so I could get under a teachers skin easily. You couldn't make me look like an idiot in front of the class because I wasn't one. The teachers that actually knew me liked me a lot and couldn't understand why there was this completely different side to me (neither could I).

It's shame you held your levels of excitement in. It can feel embarrassing because it's very abnormal so you don't let anyone see. But it is an extreme level of excitement normal people don't feel so that's cool. Something like cooking food in my own home will give me a burst but something big can send me through the roof haha.

I'll check some of those tests out! Always good to gain perspective but you have to take them with a pinch of salt as they can never be 100% accurate.

I've read a lot of posts on these forums and related to a lot of them. The "You might be an Aspie if" thread is great for that. That's where I learned that some aspies obsessively bite their nails until they basically have none. The eye contact thing is a big thing for me too. It's just not natural on any level for me and I much prefer to speak a sentence whilst looking away and will naturally look away from your eyes after a second when I'm speaking. It's all very manual for me I don't scan faces like I see normal people do. I talk to myself a lot too and I can speak to myself 100x better than I can speak to other people. Oh btw I'm really into my music but when body rocking I listen to the same songs or albums over and over (they change from time to time, you do get bored eventually). Some songs are good to rock to and others aren't. I'm into my metal mostly (good metal folks) but like lots more genres. There are songs I've heard more than 1000 times easy.

And yes a lot of this is about curiosity. When I first started to realise I possibly had a syndrome (18-19) I started to research mental health quite a bit. I actually got quite interested in the subject and I know a fair bit about different mental syndromes. I ended up reading a pdf. book (I didn't finish it) on Aspergers because I found the information online to be almost useless. You'll read a symptom and it'll be worded to imply (or sometimes just say) the opposite isn't true as well but with it being a spectrum disorder; the opposite tends to be true as well quite a lot and that's never explained an all those mental health info sites.
I am working myself up to get some help but if I'm totally honest a big reason for not doing it is the fear of telling someone all of this extremely personal information for them to be like "nope, you're fine just a weirdo".

I wrote a long reply and right when i was finishing, the tablet's battery died. So, as i don't have it in me to write it all again, i hope that when you do eventually see someone, they're helpful ..and don't just tell you you're a weirdo