Hi Everyone. I lurked here for a while and decided it wouldn't hurt to join.
Some background information about me, I have not been diagnosed with anything as of now. I believe if I have anything, I have Aspergers, at a relatively high-functioning level. I am on the fence about getting diagnosed because I can't really afford it, my mother who is doctor thinks its ridiculous, and I'm kind of paranoid what the long term consequences are of having it on file.
I did not decide I was Aspergers based on the symptoms, I actually thought it was so wrong the first time someone told me to look into it, because I did not see myself at all in the symptoms. Only reading other people's lived experiences has really made me feel I am HFA. I see so much of myself and day-to-day struggles in a lot of the posters here who are HFA , esp. the " I can't see you as having aspergers, you have a relationship/friends/can talk" demographic.
Here is a quick list of personal experiences/memories that lead me here, or at least what I can think of off the top of my head. You guys can judge for yourselves.
-I was not a popular child, because I couldn't "blend in" to the social hierachy.
-Consequently, I had one friend at a time until I was 21.
-Everything that normal people can understand socially and learn in childhood-teens, I had to teach myself slowly and painfully in adulthood. My mother spent years being angry with me for not saying/doing the "right things" socially until she finally gave up.
-I don't like eye contact. I look at the mouth and chin. But, I can maintain that pretty well so people actually are under the impression I am making eye contact with them.
-Until I was 6-7, I had problems differentiating between n/m and b/d. I never learned the alphabet intuitively, I have
start repeating it from A to know what the order is. If I ever get pulled over on the road and asked to do that field sobriety
test where you have to repeat the alphabet backwards, I'm screwed. My spoken speech is really weird even to me, my use of grammar is very primitive and on more then one occasion I find myself using words that don't exist because my brain tried to pull up two different words at once. I am okay with writing because I can think in advance what I am writing. I'm awful at learning anything new. I failed at a lot of things before I realized the only was to learn it was to repeat everything 2-3 times, and cover absolutely ever aspect of one thing before moving on to the next level. I have no ability to be in one of those classes where they teach you in a linear manner, going from one point to another ( i.e. you open the file here and then you open the project manager and here's how you configurate the bah bah). I cannot follow and remember at the same time. If any aspect/function/ect of what is being taught is neglected to be explained because it's not important or it's part of another lesson next week, it will confuse me when I encounter it in the wild and I my ability to understand the thing will completely shut down. I cannot start conversations with people. I just don't know how.
-certain smells like scented shampoos, floral perfumes and air freshners literally make me sick. Old style musty perfumes and other chemical smells like gasoline don't though even though I don't like them either. I only own clothes made of certain fabrics because of strong texture preferences.
- My grandmother used to make my meals by seperating each food in it's own pile ( i.e: a piece of meat, a pile of rice, a pile of cut up tomatoes, two cucumber slices, a piece of bread, a cup of tea) and I would eat each pile until it was gone in order of what I wanted to eat the most. Tea had to be plain without lemon or sugar. Bread was preferable with nothing on it for mealtimes but otherwise I would eat a sandwich.... one piece of bread with a slice of cheese OR fish OR salami. Anything with more then 2 tastes was a serious problem. Hamburgers were beyond horrific for me to even look at. Anything squishy or sticky ( peanut butter, jam, ect) was equally horrid and to be carefully picked out and discarded. I still remember a teacher staring at me as I was 6, scrapping the cheese off a slice of pizza so I could eat it seperate from the tomato sauce. I ate the same lucky charms cereal for breakfast everyday for 4 years straight until I switched to fruity pebbles which lasted another 3 years ( until I realized I don't even like cereal). In early college my diet became all yellow: breads/pastries, bananas, pasta, any cheese related foods, ect. As an adult I still really dont like more then 3 ingredents per food item and I have a very limited and rigid diet by choice that doesn't really have a rhyme or reason ( and also for IBS).
-I have exzema ( under control since 2005 with special shampoo) and IBS ( under control since 2011 with restrictive diet), I know that is common co-morbidity on the spectrum.
-Many special interests over the years. Very specific wants and needs. Everything has to be right type, color, and size.
-general awful executive functioning but esp. in planning and execution, ADD type issues.
Some things which make me possibly not on the spectrum:
-I don't stimm ( this is debatable but right not I cannot commit to saying I stimm)
-I don't have light or sound sensitivities. The sensitivies I have to food and smells, it doesn't cause me to have a meltdown, and never did. I would just say I didn't want to eat it. At home my food tyranny was catered to and Russian food is plain in general so I don't know if it would have been worst if I was forced to eat lasagna and butter butter /jelly sandwiches every day.
-I can have a conversation with people but, it will be off, and not "in sync". Usually I can tell who is turned off in 5 minutes and who isn't. I have a very small social circle despite living in a huge city.
-I've held down jobs, but they have been terrible.
- I've had boyfriends.
-I don't have meltdowns.
06 Feb 2016, 6:56 pm
