Hi all,
Just thought I'd pop in and say Hi. I'm 41 years old and live in London. I'm in the middle of an autism assessment with the local NHS autism team. Extremely nervous. Have an ADOS module 4 assessment in October which I'm nervous about. Why am I nervous? Well...I self diagnosed some time ago after a lifetime of mental health issues during my youth and adulthood. I felt lost. I knew there was something wrong but I couldn't pin it down. I had a niggling feeling that it was autism but it was a niggling feeling and was driving me mental. I feel almost sure that this is the issue which has also caused, according to my psychiatrist, severe depressive episode, panic disorder and anxiety disorder. I am extremely worried that I'll do the test and they'll go - "Nope. Not autistic.". I really wish someone could get inside my head and see what I'm thinking. I think then they would understand but it's impossible for me to try and convey it. When I try to explain it, it doesn't sound as serious as I know it is in my head. Very frustrating.
For years, I have found it very difficult to relate to people or to get on with them. I consider myself an easy going person and I also consider myself altruistic and quite loving, but that is not how other people would describe me. I've had people hate me for no reasons I can see. I've had people who don't know me become angry with me, again, for no reason I can see. I've had people describe me as weird and I do not understand why. I do feel incredibly awkward around people, especially in groups where I stand out as the odd one. I'll stand in groups desperately thinking of something to say and when I do think of something, it's too late as the conversation has moved on, so a lot of time I stand there saying nothing which makes me appear as rude or unfriendly which I'm not. I'm usually glad that the occasions are over as they can be very stressful and tiring. I'm constantly thinking about what they think of me and I try hard to be what they expect (i.e. normal) but the harder I try, the more odd I believe I appear. In work situations, I find it very uncomfortable to be sociable with my colleagues as I'm always thinking...what if they see through the act and start to think I'm weird or don't like me, or get angry with me. When I'm talking to people in social or work
situations, I find it very awkward as I'm constantly thinking about what to say to ensure I don't appear odd or say something I shouldn't. This makes it very difficult to keep looking at people as my mind is
constantly trying to analyse them for any clue as to what they're thinking of me and eventually I end up staring at them as my mind is elsewhere and then they start to feel uncomfortable. Other times, I can't even look at them as the thoughts in my head about what they feel, what they think overwhelm me and I have no choice but to look away which makes me look like I don't care or not paying attention. Other issues such as feeling very uncomfortable when walking,
especially in busy places. I feel very aware of the way I walk which makes me try to walk normal which, as a result, makes me appear odd when walking. It's especially prevalent in busy places as I feel all eyes are on me and I'm trying so hard to appear normal that I end up not looking normal and this causes quite a lot of stress. It's difficult in offices as well. If I'm walking somewhere in the office, I'll walk past a group of people and will feel very uncomfortable as I
past. Thinking about my walking, all eyes on me, how I appear to them, and again, doing this makes me look odd but I can't stop it. I feel uncomfortable even sitting at a desk as I feel everyone is looking at me and analysing me or judging me.
Just thought I'd lay all that out. Good to get it off my chest. I think the anxiety about the ADOS test is not knowing what to expect as I don't know anyone who has ever done it and google is not very helpful.
Anyone done it before? What should I expect?
08 Sep 2016, 7:12 am
Much of what you say sounds familiar. I went through NHS diagnosis last year (at the age of 57), using the ADOS module 4. Yes, the thought of it can be nerve-wracking, but as others have said, it's fairly simple and for observation purposes, and should only take about an hour. If you'd like someone to go with you, just tell the diagnostic team and then they'll know, that's perfectly normal.
