Is this who I really am?

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Hi, my name is Joshua. I just turned 30 in July. Just as a precursor. This is my story of human being who is just truly figuring themselves out at 30 years old. Everything I write could be 100% wrong, maybe I’m just crazy or a psychopath, I don’t know. But I do know that Asperger’s fits for me. I can look back on my life with a sense of “ah, I see now”….I really am the person everyone told me that I was, but never wanted to believe. I know that sounds kind of normal right? We all grow, change and discover our self as we age. But if someone told me I had Asperger's syndrome as a child OR EVEN A FEW YEARS AGO....my life may be a little different now. I'm not saying for the better or worse, but different for sure. And I can say that because I truly am accepting who I am, trying to figure out exactly why I’m like this, because I've always wondered why I’m different.

It's not that I didn't want to be normal, trust me, I did. I try to act normal the best I can. But at the end of the day, its acting. For someone with AS I can truly say that the world is a stage, and the curtain never closes until I’m alone. Which sucks and is very exhausting. I’ve really been alone most of my life and I’m sad to say, but mostly by choice. Because it’s what feels safe and I know this place. I want to be social, go to a party and not just hide. I do understand that everyone is different. I do accept who I am, I know that the problem is me now. Some people may never accept it, but I’m glad I did. Taking responsibility for my life and how I've got here is something that I've never really done until now. Weather I truly have Asperger's or not. I have to say that it’s very sad but also a bit freeing and I’m so thankful to be on the path I am now.

Before I begin my long story, which is helping me very much to write down and I do thank anyone who reads it and has any support, advice or any other words. One of the things I’m really trying to work on is not believing that I know it all, I have it all figured out and nobody else is correct but me. I've read a lot of posts on this forum and many other forums, a lot of them from a woman's perspective of living with a partner who has AS. I can honestly say that I can relate to almost every story. I can pick out pieces of my life, going back years, almost as if my significant other at the time wrote them herself, about me.

So, to start things off. My life is pretty much in shambles right now, or at least that's how it should feel. I can honestly say that I’m a pretty decent guy. I know right from wrong and I do the right thing. I’m a pretty typically person on the outside. I have a great job, working with computers basically (go figure right?). It’s always been a hobby since I was a child. I’ve defiantly obsessed over it my entire life. Which I understand now was and still is a problem. I’ve basically self-taught myself the career I have now, because it’s all I’ve done since I can remember. I have a great solid, awesome job because of it, but was it worth it? I don’t think so. Can you guess where I really struggle at life? Relationships, but before I get into that I just want to give a little backstory.

My childhood was pretty normal. My Mother raised me alone, along with my Grandma. She is the most amazing person I know. My mother would give you her left leg after you just robbed her blind if you needed it. I can’t say how thankful I am to have a Mother in my life that won’t ever give me on me, no matter how hard I try. I am truly blessed. Have I been the best son? I’ve been alright. Could I have spent more time with my mom? 100% yes and I plan to try and start spending more time with her and the rest of my family for that matter. My father split when I was young and I’ve never met the man. Now I’m wondering if he suffered from this as well. Either way it’s a super as*hole move. I may have Asperger’s, I may not care on the inside, I may be a dick. But I still have a pretty good brain and this funny thing called a conscious, thank the lord, that would never let me walk away from a child in my life. No matter how much I want to. I’ve tried, but I can’t sleep….I can’t function knowing that my little boy is somewhere else. With someone I don’t know. What is he doing? Are they teaching him the right things? I’m not saying it’s because I love or miss him.(but I pray that I truly do). I try to show him as much love as I can. More than I’ve shown anyone else in my entire life. Maybe it’s just for the control. I don’t know. But these things bother me all the time that my son is not with me. So I can’t just walk away. I have him on the weekends, pay child support and try to help his mother as much as I can. After all, I ruined her life. It’s the least I can do. As the mother of my child I will forever be in her debt. We were together for 5 years, very toxic, really my fault. Basically everything that I’ve read on these forums and others. She said I didn’t love her, I swore I did. But in all honesty I never spent the time with her, I was more worried about myself and my next hobby. After a few years, she cheated on me. At the time I was furious, how could you do that to us? We have a son together? I provide everything for you guys. Well now I know that I didn’t provide the most crucial things. The things that every normal person wants and needs, love and time. As someone with Asperger’s, these things don’t matter to me. You should know that I love you because I say I do and because I’m here with you. I’m starting to understand that’s not how it works.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my life and trying to relive it know what I know now about AS. I had the typical AS childhood, alone, inside playing by myself. Never really fitting in to anything, hating school and being in any social settings. Bullied here and there. Even going inside the store to pay for gas was a real struggle when I was young. School was miserable and I tried to stay home as much as possible. Basically, any situation that involved me interacting with another person. I’m much better at it now. But that’s only because of trial and error. I’ve been through plenty of embarrassing moments and times because I’ve said the wrong thing, or didn’t know how to react to a certain situation. And it still happens from time to time. But you learn and you fake it for next time. Why? Not because I want to deceive or to hurt anybody. Because I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to be laughed at or made fun. It’s a coping and defense mechanism and its really all I have.

There are really a couple of key childhood memories in my life that I’ve always wondered about but never really understood until now. When I was young I would always ask my mom, am I adopted? I asked this question because even though I was a young kid, I knew that something was just not right. Even with my closest family members I still felt isolated. I would ask her to show me baby pictures to prove that I was hers. I would fantasize that i'm really an alien from outerspace. I just never felt like I fit in, even though I know my family loves me and they have always been there for me. I’m the kid that left the house to be on his own at 18, moved to a city far away and never looked back until a few years ago. Most people want to be with their family, my entire life I dreamed of getting away from them. Which sucks because I do have a great family and once I figure this out a little more….I’m going to try and make it up to them.

One more key memory that I want to share is something that I will never forget. It’s a memory so clear I can watch it like a DVD. I was probably around 10 or 11 years old. My aunt had just died in a terrible car accident. Here we are, sitting in the living room. Everyone is crying, going crazy, etc. Not me, calm, straight face, no tears., I just wanted to go back and play my video games. I will never forget what my mom said, and I take no offense to it. But she said. “Josh, what’s wrong with you? Your aunt just died? Why are you not crying? Why don’t you care?” At the time, I was young sure, kids will be kids maybe right? Well the difference is this. As an example. If you were to tell me right now that my best friend or mother, whoever really, has just died. In my brain, I’m like omg, wtf, omg, wtf right? But how I know that I’m truly different is that in my body, my heart and my soul, nothing happens. My heart does not race, my stomach does not sink, my skin does not crawl, tears do not fall from my eyes. Terrible right? I know, it is. But the simple fact is, emotionally, nothing happens…. it’s just not there. It was missing when I was 10 years old and it’s still missing now.

So let me talk about my biggest problem and probably the same problem that everyone else in my position has. Relationships. I’m going through a terrible breakup now. I’ve been able to walk away from everything in my life up to this point (which I now regret, or try to at least, its hard). But this time, something won’t let me. That something is my 3 year old son. I wish I could say that having a son fixed me. It didn’t, however I do believe it has helped. Love is a funny thing for someone with AS. But can you blame us? How can we really understand something that for us, just does not feel the same as it does for everybody else. I want to tell you that with all 100% certainty I love my son. But do I really love anybody? This is something I’ve really been coming to terms with. I don’t think I’ve every loved anybody in my entire life. If you had asked me a year ago I would tell you the complete opposite. Today however my eyes are open. My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to love my son the way that I know that I should, this does sit heavy on my heart and tears are falling down my face now. It’s just so hard to trust myself or believe anything that I’m actually saying sometimes. Am I just putting on an act? Going through the motions? Have I faked so many emotions that I’m not sure which ones are even real anymore?

As far as relationships go, I’m an as*hole. There is no other way to put it. I wish I could go back to every woman who’s heart I’ve broken over the years and tell them what I know now. Tell them it was not their fault, it was mine. They were all right and I was just too blind to see it. I’ve let so many good, strong women walk out of my life for the stupidest, selfish reasons. I don’t want to be an as*hole, nobody does right? And if you asked me these same questions a year ago I would tell you I’m perfect. There is nobody better than me, my sh*t does not stink, no way Jose! I understand now that I’m probably just feeling that way so I don’t have to feel sad for not fitting in. I mean, you would rather not get picked for the team because you are too good, rather than not good enough right? If you had asked me a year ago, did I truly love the women I was with? I would say yes, I did. I did everything I was supposed to do. I’m a great provider. You will always have everything you need physically, so what’s the problem? Well I think I understand the problem now, or I’m trying. The problem is that I need to love. But wait a minute, this entire time, my entire life….I have been loving….right? Well if you asked any of my past exes, they would most certainly tell you no.

This is my curse. Trapped in a life where I want to do the right things, I want to fit in, I want a family, I want to be normal, I want to love. But the ol’ heart just never warms up. In my head it all sounds great. But when it comes down to it….I just don’t feel the same way inside. You can love me, you can hate me, you can walk away and never talk to me again…. whatever. Whatever is a powerful word for me because it can basically sum up my entire life. Just a big “whatever”, I can live, die, be poor living under a bridge or in a mansion living the good life. But in reality…inside…I still just feel “whatever” nothing really changes. You could put a gun to my head right now, tell me that I have 1 minute to live. I just don’t feel it inside. Nothing happens, nothing changes, no reaction just “whatever”. So then I started thinking, what do I actually feel? The answer I got back was a really, really crappy one. I feel when it’s something that benefits me, self-gratification. Which is terrible, I know. I don’t get excited or feel anything for my brother who is celebrating a long wedding anniversary. I don’t get excited or feel anything when my cousin graduates from college on the right path in life. What I do feel is when I am helping myself. If I just bought a new part for my computer? I’m an excited 10-year-old again, you can’t wipe the smile from my face. And again, reading this, I know it sucks, I know it sounds bad. But I’ll have to take your word for it because I don’t truly feel the same. I know what I should be doing. The problem is, without emotions to guide me, I typically just write it off and forget it. It’s very hard trying to make your way through life when one of your most basic set of skills is missing.

If I could describe what it’s like to have Asperger’s, it’s like being the tin man “If only I had a heart”. I know its missing. I want one. It sounds nice. My entire live i've heard the phrase "you just dont' care. But just because someone has AS does not mean they don’t care. I do care, or I should say I try to care, I truly want to care. Again, it’s hard when the emotion is not there. Emotions guide us as humans in almost every part of our life. Most decisions are made on emotions, or at least they play a big factor. Not having those emotions to guide you is a real problem.

So, do I truly have Aspergers? I don't know. Do I feel like I need to get diagnosed? I'm not sure. I don't know that It would really make a difference for me one way or another. What i do know is that after running so many lives over my short 30 years I can truly say that i'm a broken person, defective, straight from the factory. I do want to make a pledge though, I will never drag another soul down again in an attempt to save my own.

Hey Joshua welcome.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. You're not a broken person. I relate to what you say about not feeling grief--when my grandmother died, I didn't really feel sad or anything. It's like I'm incapable of that kind of deep feeling. I don't think you're a bad person at all--it's good that you're sorry for past mistakes.

Based on what you've written, you're a positively-intentioned, introspective person with a desire for self-knowledge and self-improvement. There's a huge variance in the way people experience (or don't experience) emotions, and you don't sound like a bad person at all.