So after finally accepting that I had something majorly not normal with me besides the social anxiety and depression, I finally remembered my sister's diagnosis of asperges. Me and her were always so similar and when she was diagnosed in highschool I thought it was stupid because she wasn't broken, she was just like me. She just had a harder time. Now looking back I can see it was reversed. She just displayed more obviously but we both have it.
The surprise came when I opened up to my parents. Even at 30 I was terrified of admitting to them that their "normal" child was broken. I had learned to think of autism based on the horrible way they treated my sister in our small town that didn't know what to do with her. But 15 years had changed us all and when I explained why to mom and dad instead of just acceptance I got "me too" and we spent the weekend talking about mom's meltdowns and dad's sensory overstimulation and I now see my childhood in a whole new light. Asperges parents raising asperges children. It's hard to say because my grandparents are dead, but I think it's strong genetically on both sides. One of my cousins was officially diagnosed and looking back both my dad's parents had strong signs.
It makes a lot of sense because I never felt strange or unusual around family. I was normal. It was the rest of the world that was strange and confusing. Because we all shared so many traits, when I told grandma that things were too loud she was happy to give me ear muffs to make me feel better. Because things were often too loud for her too. None of us knew why we were different, but we taught each other how to pass. Dad taught me how to handle stressful situations and how to find the words to explain myself. Mom never stopped mine or sis's stunning, just guided us away from overly obvious ones like chewing my hair.
I'm mostly trying to make sense of my life right now. I felt like my whole life I was trying to build something in the dark with out instructions and suddenly someone turned on the light and told me there were hints if not an actual manual. It's such a relief to now be able to have context for my meltdowns. To know that I'm not just crazy. So much of what I went through growing up and trying to make friends has context now. I hardly know what to do with myself.
I've only recently started poking into actually interacting with communities online. Mostly my interactions have been in a small fandom community. I was never brave enough before and often they were scary or the nature of interaction was obscure to me. But I figure this should hopefully be a safe place. ^^;;
Mostly I just am hoping talking to others with similar experience will help continue to grow my new perspective. I've researched a lot of articles but I've found I really don't care what the non autistic have to say about us. I'm far more interested in the thoughts of those who are or are close to those who are. It's just too hard wading through pages that half the time are horrible things degrading or demonizing or sealing to control and make normal.
I've gotten to the point that I'm very comfortable accepting that normal is never something I'll be or would even want to be. All my close friends and girlfriend know and are accepting and supportive. So now it's just the process of learning and understanding and hopefully finding better solutions to some of my issues with being an adult. Cuz I really fail some times. Also this is prolly disjointed and rambling but I also should be asleep currently and I'm not. Soooo there's that.
Anyway, all of that to say, hi, I'm Sam or Spider and I'm an artist with Asperges but lacking an official diagnosis.
23 Nov 2016, 4:51 am
