Ciao! Any female chamaleon who just found out2B aspie at 40?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi Everyone,
this is Pink_Pepper. I'm new to this site although must say it's very popular.
I translated quite a few material on AS, heard Tony Attwood conferences (yes more than once), I came to know many Aspies but never found anyone with which I had things, features in common...

Unfortunately I have been going to psycotherapy on and off since I was 14. I say unfortunately because my therapies seemed always to go nowhere.
I was diagnosed schizophrenic, Borderline peronality disorder, anxiety disorder.I was also a self injurer. I have been trying to commit suicide three times and I took all sorts of antidepressants, antipsychotics (mainly risperdal) and medications for anxiety and mood swings.
I worked (even as a flight attendent ..some peole are surprised when I tell them...-I ranked 1st in my course mainly because of my English skills but I remember when studying for Alitalia, that I needed to know the smallest details that were usless to others, in order to have a picture of the subject-.)
and I graduated in English Spanish and Italian mediator and translator.
I'm nearly 40 and considered like an adolescent from most people. These days even more because of the life I'm living. I don't work and I seem to have problems to carry a normal, simple structured life. I don't work, my child goes to school up to 4 pm and I can't find myself a structured routine. Even for simple tasks. I've been always consiedered weird by myself and by others but in a way that you can't really tell how and why. I've always felt different, mainly when younger, then i adapted, I try to... when diagnosed BPD I thought It was a relief because the diagnosis partially described me.
(I still have very fragmented personality and I find hard to describe myself).

Last therapist I saw who knows me for quite a while, even though he has no idea of what Aspergers syndrome is, he said It's like I'm autistic, he described me as If I was living in my own bubble and even if I want, I can't see other people. But I'm an emotion sponge, I absorbe every feeling around, mainly anxiety and anger.

I started to look back and realised that the Pink_Pepper I thought I was, it wasn't that realistic.
I had no problems in school and had an exceptional memory. I learned to read at 5, before I learned how to write, I had fun conjugating the most difficult Italian tenses when very small...I was cleverer than most of my peers. These days of reconsidering my life I realised I was lightly bullied in school...
When stressed, I am now (I can't recall of feeling like this before) very sensitive and distressed by sounds and lights, I can't stand cold, I get lost when doing things, I'm there but I seem concentrated and distracted by some important thoughts while actually my mind's "empty"...I have a very short working memory and I can't find motivation to give my life a structure or a "shake".
I am thinking I've always used a mask with people...I can fake I'm not depressed, I can fake I'm social when I don't want to...I hid myself from me and from others for too long...
I feel lost and scared...

Can anyone relate with me?

i know it might not be easy to talk about...ive met people who cut themselves...i really dont understand why...please help me understand...i know its a serious issue.

Ciao ocean,
self injury is a coping mechnism just like many others, but it is disfunctional, wrong of course.
Some would do it too feel alive, some for curiosity. Not my case.
I just needed to cope with bad emotions and I found an unhealthy way :/

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I was also 40 when I got the diagnosis that explained the others I'd collected over the last 34 years, so yes, I can relate. Welcome!

Hi.

I've only recently been diagnosed myself, and can relate to a lot of your story.

Although, the idea that people with Asperger's aren't emotional is a myth. We (generally) feel our own emotions very deeply, and pick up and absorb others emotions. I often pick up other people's negative emotions and it's a big problem. We might not show them in the way which most folk would expect but that doesn't mean we don't feel.

I also didn't realise quite how severely affected I was by things like sound and lights. It stressed me out but I never realised until last year what it was which caused the stress.

I too have a rubbish working memory. Things disappear from my mind in seconds. I rely on notes to myself to get by.

And I can easily fake my way through pretending I'm not depressed. I can fake a social persona. I loved drama at school, I soaked it up. I have various different personas and have very little idea of who I actually am. At my assessment, the doctor asked me to describe myself and I couldn't do it.

I used to self-harm too, although it's been a while. It most often happened during a meltdown. I don't agree that it's wrong - sometimes it's all you can do to cope.

And I am young for my age, in both appearance and likes/dislikes.

Welcome to the forums.

Welcome! Sorry to hear that you've been having a tough time of things. I hope you feel better soon.

I've only been more than a lurker since just after the election and it's good to see women close to my age on here. Welcome, even though I don't feel like I've been here long enough to say that. I used to do some cutting in my 20's, though really it was more of scratching with sharp objects. And there has always been biting myself. And the youthful thing, in my 40's and I joke around that I am 4. I certainly don't act or think like a middle age woman is suppose to. And the working memory problem is also apparently a common aspie thing.

Thank you so very much! I don't feel alone anymore!
I am glad i can see myself in a few of you! I just found out but not diagnosed As pie. I couldn't believe it at first since i translated lot of material in my native language but never suspected I was aapie myself. Also because i always had to do with the male part of aspiness!
I can't express what it means to me not to be someone who came out defected from factory... Or at least I'm in good company.
How do you deal with others judging and looking at you just like you should behave your Age? Or not thinking weird or "why can't you just adjust your life and take care of the house and child? You're unemployed..." I feel so misunderstood? I do try and it drains out my energy. How do you cope?

Than you so very much!
It is all so surreal to me!